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Child Behavior  (Expert Forum)
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5 yr won't stop masturbation
Answered by
Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D. - Child and Adolescent Psychotherapy, Family Therapy, Crisis Intervention
Harvard Vanguard Medical Associates
This forum is for questions and support regarding child behavior issues such: Child Discipline (behavior management), Normal Child Development, Parent-Child Communications, Social Development
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MedHelp Member's Question

5 yr won't stop masturbation

by froggie1439, Jan 03, 2007 12:00AM
Me and my husband are a blended family. He has a daughter who is 5 yrs old and i have a daughter who is 6 yrs old and we have one together on the way. The reason i'm writing this is b/c his 5 yr old (who i claim as mine) has been rocking and humping since she was 9 months old. she does it on blankets, wooden blocks, on the corner of her bed etc. in the beginning we let it go b/c everybody told us it was normal and that she would out grow it. instead of it stopping or slowing down it has gotten worse to the point of major problems in the house. she now rocks on people and we have explained that, that behavior is not apporpiate and now she's changed that to only rocking on people who are sleeping. she's been caught in our bed rocking on her dad, or in her sisters room (they have seperate rooms) rocking on her sister. she explains that she likes rocking on them b/c it feels really good to her and she has to do it when they are sleeping b/c otherwise they would make her stop. we've tried setting limits to when she could do this (at night in her room, even setting a time limit of how long etc.) and as soon as she got "permission" as she see's it, the race was on to see how much she could rock. we set limits and stuck with them, but it's like once she had persmission to do it, she didn't care about the rules. we disciplined when she broke the rules, but she didn't care. as long as she was rocking she was happy. regardless of the punishement. she's gotten up from the table and has informed us that she wants to rock, we've explained that, that wasn't part of the rules about rocking, and she shrugged her shoulders and said she'd only get a spanking but it was worth it. she will rock until she is bleeding down there and i've seen her rocking and crying at the same time saying it hurts but refused to stop. picked her up and tried to distract her and it caused a huge melt down. we've now tried to stop the behavior b/c it's gotten even worse. she now sticks things inside of her and says it feels so good when she does that. we at first didn't think it was sexual b/c we thought she was doing it to comfort herself. but now we are beginning to think that it's sexual. she actually brings herself to an orgasm and will point to her clitorus and say that is the "magic button" that makes her feel really good. we've seen 3 therapist that have told us this is normal. we understand that kids like to explore but when it gets to the point of her holding down her cousin to rock on him (he was 16 months old at the time) and doing it to people when they are sleeping b/c she knows she will get into trouble, something has to stop. i know alot of mother's don't agree with me when i say i want this to stop. some might say it's not sexual but we see do see it that way. she gets constant attention and activities but doesn't seem to stem the rocking. she does it at school and refuses to stop. she doesn't care about the punishement as long as she rocks.



please help us with this
Doctor's Answer

by Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D., Jan 04, 2007 12:00AM
While it is true that some masturbation is normal, the frequency and intensity of your daughter's behavior is certainly not within the norms. You are correct in viewing it as a problem. Can you offer some more information about other aspects of her functioning. For example, how is she doing in her school program? What are her relationships with children like? What is her play life like? What is her usual mood? Is she a generally a 'well behaved' child? Also, is ther any family history of anxiety disorder on her father's or biological mother's sides of the family?
Member Comments (11)

by froggie1439, Jan 04, 2007 12:00AM
To answer some of your questions: In school she is struggling, though she isn't the slowest or most behind child in the class, she is struggling. she doesn't understand why she has to do her work the way her teacher says she does, and so she does it the way she wants to. she also has meltdowns at school when something is difficult. those generally are about 2-3 times a week.  Her relationship with other kids is kinda strained. she does well with kids who are younger then her but has a hard time keeping up with kids her own age.  like yesterday she had 2 frisbee's and one of her school mates had one, she wanted 3 of them and she asked her school mate if she could have it, he said no of course b/c he was playing with it and it caused a huge meltdown to where she tried physically taking it from him, but didn't understand how that was wrong.  Her play life, i'm not sure what you mean by that, but she plays well when she's by herself. she doesn't get along with her step sis as much though they got along great when she was younger. but now that she's older she likes to play things that younger kids like to and for her 6 yr old sister, that's to babyish (as the 6 yr old calls it) they like to play house, with my 5 yr old always being the baby or the dad.  her usual mood is happy and bouncy, though lately we've noticed a streak of rebellion within the last 3 weeks that has tried our patients to no end. she now argues with us even though we've explained over and over and also let her know arguing doesn't work. but she's insisting on bad attention.  normally she is a well behaved child, always trying to please you, but now lately she's going out of her way to get into trouble. things she wouldn't have done before she's now doing.  i'm not sure about anxiety disorders on her biological mom's side. she's always refused to get help, but i know her mom is "off" in some way. her mom claims that the 5 yr olds half sister who is now 11 rocked when she was little but it stopped when she was about 4 yrs old. and they both started when they was babies. we know that when my 5 yr old was a baby the mom kept her in a playpen 90% of the time growing up until she was about 14 months old. she ate there and slept there and played there. when she was 3 yrs old i insisted on getting her tested for preschool b/c i knew something was off with her. we had her tested and they put her in right away. they said she was behind emotionally and socially, she stayed in preschool until she was 5yrs old and then started kindergarten without an IEP program b/c they felt that she didn't need it anymore, though she was low on her testing, it was within limits. i asked more about that and they said that she was in the limits, but at the very bottom of the limits. we fought to keep her in special ed programs b/c we really felt she was going to struggle with kindergarten and all of the distractions and it's started to show now. i know when she was about 3 yrs old until the last 6 months her real mom hardly saw her. we had to fight to let our 5 yr old see her, but i can remember when she was about 20 months old and we had to drop her off at her mom's she would scream bloody murder and didn't want to leave us at all. but when we picked her up she was fine. i figured it was just seperation anxiety. her mom now see's her weekly and my 5 yr old is excited about that, but when she comes back she's rebellious and always trying to start arguements or fights or do things she know she isn't supposed to do.

by froggie1439, Jan 04, 2007 12:00AM
oh and i forgot to add some things, she also seems to lack common sense, like during the summer she was collecting bugs in her bug catcher and tried to pick up a bee, which of course it stung her, she cried and we fixed her owie, then she went right back outside and did it 3 more times over a 10 min period. thankfully she isn't allergic to bee stings, but she still didn't understand that the bees were going to sting her everytime she picked them up. she also asks strange questions like she didn't think it through before she asked it. it snowed here the other day and she was cleaning up her room and asked her dad if she could go swimming in the ditch. he looked at her weird and said are you sure?? she of course pipped up that yes she wanted to go swimming (she knew about it snowing b/c she had been watching it all day, except for the 1/2 hr she was cleaning her room) so he figured he would say yes and then she would remember that it was still snowing, but nope, she opened the door and saw it was snowing so she went to get her clothes and her coat and then put her swimming suit on underneath it, when she got outside she walked to the ditch (yes we let her get that far, hoping she would realize what she was doing) and then when she took off her coat she started crying about how she was cold, and how it was snowing but she wanted to go swimming. we brought her back inside and warmed her up but she wouldn't let it go that it was snowing but she still wanted to go swimming in the ditch. i'm sorry but to us that doesn't make sense. she's also "forgotten" where the trash can in the kitchen is, though it's in the same place it has been for the last 4 yrs. she forgets to go to the bathroom and then has a huge meltdown b/c she's wet. she doesn't like to get dirty unless she is the one to make her dirty. like playing in the mud, but if food drops on her at the table, it's a huge thing. and if she spills water on her, she doesn't like that either, she will cry about it, and doesn't seem to understand taht she can go and change her clothes and she will be dry.

by Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D., Jan 05, 2007 12:00AM
Thank you for the additional information. It helps to pace the masturbation in context. Re: that particular behavior, I imagine that, as a an infant/toddler, she developed a pattern of soothing herself via the masturbation and thhen it developed into a habit pattern. Her cognitive, social and emotional development are all behind where they should be, and a comprehensive evaluation is called for. Re: school, it makes sense to resurrect the 'team' and reignite the special education process for her - the earlier the better. In addition, try to arrange a comprehensive developmental evaluation, including the following disciplines: developmental pediatrician, developmental psychologist, clinical psychologist, speech/language clinician. Such evaluations are usually available at pediatric hospitals. Do you live in an area where you have access to such a hospital?

by froggie1439, Jan 05, 2007 12:00AM
To: Dr. Kennedy
We've tried a couple of times to get her back in the special ed program at her school when we saw that she was struggling with anything that was difficult. but they don't feel that she needs it. they say that she is keeping up with the class, though she is behind, she isn't the slowest kid in the class. I guess another reason why they don't think she needs it, is b/c she IS learning how to spell, though it's still very difficult for her, she might be able to spell one word in a sentence and then work on the other one, but forget what the first one was or what it even said. they said this was normal.



the closest hospital that you described is about 4-5 hrs from us. we live in a small town that only has 200 people. it takes us about 30-45 mins to even get groceries. we are going to go and see a new therapist next sat (the 13th) and this one deals with child play therapy. she is also the 1st therapist to actually consider doing some testing on her to find out where she is in the world. and how my 5 yr old see's reality and how she distinguishes things and puts them in to prospective. we're not sure if we are on the right track, but since this is the 1st therapist that has actually paid attention to what we say and is willing to see what she can do, we're alittle hopeful. we're still not sure about the rocking as she has stated that we need to stop putting focus on it, and if we see her doing it at night in her bed to ignore it, but if she does it other places to discipline as normal.



is there anything that we can do at home, that might help with some of her quirks? especially the twirling one. i'm not sure if i talked about that, but she seems to like to twirl in places. she was waiting for somethign to come out of the microwave the other night and while she was waiting she spun in a circle over and over again. she also does it sometimes in the kitchen when she is spending time with her dad by circling the table over and over when she is talking to him. she does it at stores. we've also noticed a finger flicking thing she does when someone is talking to her. she does it especially if she knows she's done something wrong and we are talking about it to her.

again thank you so much for answering some of my questions. i'm keeping track so i can mention them to the therapist when we see her. hopefully this one is more receptive then the other's that we've dealt with.

by froggie1439, Jan 05, 2007 12:00AM
To: Dr. kennedy
Forgot to mention this also. with our last therapist we tried mentioning aspergers syndrom b/c her peditrician says that she exibits some of the traits. but when we mentioned it she said that it can't be aspergers syndrom b/c she looks people in the eye, which we've been working hard on for the last 2 years.

by WalkersD, Jan 05, 2007 12:00AM
That is a misconception that a person diagnosed with Asperger's or autism can't look people in the eye. My son is 7, diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome. He can make excellent eye contact. Look for an expert with excellent credentials. Good luck.

by Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D., Jan 06, 2007 12:00AM
The last respondent is correct re: eye contact. By itself (as with any individual symptom, really), the fact that your daughter establishes eye contact is not an indication that a diagnosis (such as Asperger's) on the Pervasive Developmental Disorder spectrum is impossible. It is, in fact, quite possible that she displays such a consition. The only wat to determine this is through a comprehensive evaluation.

by jen46342, Jan 15, 2007 12:00AM
I was thinking a form of autism as well, the rocking, the tantrums, the lack of common sense, the knowledge of everyday ongoings but the inability to apply them, (ie, the snow and ditch), the masturbation, the academic concerns....working with individuals with developmental disabilites, I find a huge misconception with people and autism and those who have never experineced it or have had to deal with it in a variety of situations often think that an autistic person is retarded also or should have some sort of inability to be academically on the same page as their peers...not always true although more so than not.....



get her tested by a very well accredited team of experts...the sooner the better so that you can get her the services she needs. If the testing does conclude she is developmentaly delayed or has some other form of a disability, immediately look into your state's Medicaid program for her. If the school is givig you some trouble abouting testing, go to your local social security office and apply for disability for your daughter and they will order tests for her.......saves you the hassel and it will get done quicker!

by 4mygirls5, Jan 26, 2007 12:00AM
I was just wondering how the appt. went with the new dr. I have a 2 and a half year old daughter who does the something simular with masterbation. I really noticed it start when she was just under a year old. Everyone tells me its normal. Have you found out anything new?

by annaegel, Feb 10, 2007 12:00AM
my daughter, now 11 years old, started masterbating on my lap when she was 18 months old.  People told me their kids did the same thing, but only with a blanket or pillow.  My daughters therapist said it is a way to self sooth.  I have noticed she does this more frequently if there is stress in her life.  I had to teach her not to do it when she has friends over and also to do it in private.  I wonder if she rocks on people as a means of dominance?  I think a child therapist may be helpful for her and for you.  They can help you understand what is going on and what appropriate actions you can take.  I gave my daughter permission to do it in private.  I won't not allow her to do it to other people.  I remember as a little girl, I had a friend who rocked on the edge of her bed, in front of us, without any embarresment.  My sisters 5 year old son is constantly masterbating.  Some of it is normal, some of it is extreme and may have other reasons for doing it.
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