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Child Behavior (Expert Forum)
Adopted 8 Year old Boy from Romania constantly talking back and being negative.
Answered by
Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D. - Child and Adolescent Psychotherapy, Family Therapy, Crisis Intervention
Harvard Vanguard Medical Associates
This forum is for questions and support regarding child behavior issues such: Child Discipline (behavior management), Normal Child Development, Parent-Child Communications, Social Development
Adopted 8 Year old Boy from Romania constantly talking back and being negative.
by Tired Dads..., Mar 12, 2007 12:00AM
My partner and I adopted a little boy from Romania six years ago when he was two. He is very bright, VERY active (moving constantly from one thing to the next) and VERY disagreeable 80% of the time. The past six years have been filled with loving moments of bonding - he loves to snuggle and watch movies, play ball, etc. but we are constantly fighting uphill on his negative treatment of us as parents. He is a sensitive child that knows right from wrong; however, lately we can do nothing right. He has always been extremely strong-willed. Tantrums have now been replaced with a constant barrage of negativism that seems to come from nothing. We can say something as simple as "would you please pickup the pillow you threw on the ground?" His response is immediately "You do it!". EVERYTHING generally out of his mouth when it involves us is in one way or another negative. "Sky is Blue..." "No it's not..." "You threw the ball wrong" "You never let me watch my TV program" (Yeah right!) "You don't love me," etc. etc. This behavior is now starting to eat at both of us and becoming disruptive. We have tried timeouts, positive reinforcement exercises, etc. all to no avail. It hurts because we really try to make him happy without spoiling him. Is this just normal childhood behavior or could his constant need to be in motion and spilling of negativity toward his parents (not others) be a sign of something more complex due to his abandonment at birth? Others tell us we are great parents…I’m beginning to wonder….Help!
Doctor's Answer
by Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D., Mar 13, 2007 12:00AM
, Mar 13, 2007 12:00AM
While we parents can certainly make mistakes, it's quite unlikely that your son's behavior is a result of your errors. His behavior is not within the norms for a child his age, though it really is a matter of degree more than anything else. In other words, any of his specific behaviors are typical of children his age. It's the extent to which he goes that places the behavior outside the norms. Several things deserve consideration. First, the behavior can be a manifestation of a fundamentally willful, oppositional temperament. You indicate, though, that outside the home that side of his disposition is not evident. It is also possible that he is displaying the early signs of a mood disorder and his negativity reflects that. However, if outside the home his mood appears to be normal, the prospect of a mood disorder diminishes. Third, and this is most likely, his behavior toward you in a general way is a manifestation of his history. That is, in the first two years the foundation of one's personality is established. It's very much like the foundation of a house. If a house is constructed on a weak foundation it's likely to be less-than-stable, prone to shifting under stress. Children almost always act their worst with their parents. In that sense, your situation mirrors that of almost all parents. We wonder why our children behave so much better at school, at relatives,with neighbors than they do with us. Well, children's closest relationships, for good or bad, are with parents. Thus, there is an emotional component to parent/child relationships that is not a component of other relationships children have. Be sure to set clear, reasonable limits about the behavior you expect from your son, and discipline him when he does not meet those expectations. Use of time out is a very reliable way to shape behavior. If he's rude to you, time him out; don't simply talk to him about the behavior. If he fails to follow your directions after a reasonable time (e.g., after one repetition of the direction), time him out. He will behave better when he experiences that it is in his vested interest to behave better.
Member Comments (2)
by Tired Dads..., Mar 13, 2007 12:00AM
Thank you for comments. They were well received. One area that I neglected to mention is also his constant need to physically "hang" on me/us while talking in a very young childish manner. Sometimes his expressions don't make sense; sometimes they are concerning such as "I want to put my poopoo on your leg". When we try and get him not to hang on us he becomes extremely agitated. If he was just giving us a hug, kiss, etc. these expressions would be normal and always well received but they take on a much more disturbing form that always ends with him getting mad (no matter how long he hangs on us). This constant need to hang and anger all at the same time is really eating away at the fiber of our family. I have tried time outs over and over again to no avail. Is this simply symptomatic of the same issues you addressed previously? Thanks again for your help.
