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Child Behavior (Expert Forum)
5 year old boy has raging tantrums
Answered by
Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D. - Child and Adolescent Psychotherapy, Family Therapy, Crisis Intervention
Harvard Vanguard Medical Associates
This forum is for questions and support regarding child behavior issues such: Child Discipline (behavior management), Normal Child Development, Parent-Child Communications, Social Development
5 year old boy has raging tantrums
by heartfelt2463, Jul 09, 2007 12:00AM
My son is 5 years old and has always been a very spirited child. He is very outgoing and energetic and has a lot of friends. Most of the time he is very polite and a pleasure to be around. However, lately he has been having raging fits when he doesn't get his way about something~sometimes even the most mundane things. When he is done with the tantrum, he is extremely loving and apologetic and he says he can't control himself. My husband and I have very lovingly sat down with him afterward and try to explain that this behavior is not acceptable and WILL NOT get him what he wants (and we stand firm!). We have taken things away from him, not allowed him to go outside to play with friends, etc. to try to curb his behavior. But to no avail. Also, as soon as he starts his meltdown, he is sent to a timeout which he usually has to be dragged to because he is usually on the floor flailing about. He only has these fits around us at home-never in public or at school. He does not hurt himself or anybody else during these fits of rage, but I am beginning to worry that he is headed for trouble. Could this be a symptom of ADHD? He has always been very high energy, but I never considered ADHD. I'm really hoping that this is just a phase. Also, it probably doesn't help if I lose it while he is exploding does it? Sometimes I start to crack and scream back at him. Please advise.
Doctor's Answer
by Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D., Jul 11, 2007 12:00AM
, Jul 11, 2007 12:00AM
You are right - it's not going to help if you lose emotional control when he is doing the same thing. This does not sound like something you need to be alarmed about, but respond to it in a systematic way. By that I mean this: let him know that he will have a 15-minute time out every time he reacts this way. Don't start the time out until he has regained a calm state. The time out is necessary because such tantrums are now at the point at which they are developmentally outside the norm (as they would not be, for example, in a two-year-old). This behavior is not associated with ADHD.
In this case, I think it is important that you pointed out that your son's "meltdowns" occur in one setting, and one setting only: home. Home, of course, is not the only setting in which things (be they mundane or signiicant in the child's mind)do not go his way 100% of the time. Unless these outbursts are occurring across settings (e.g., school, social, home, athletics), yours son's characterization of the episodes as "out of control", does not truly apply.
Children tend to "do what works", from their limited perspective. If your son's goal is to secure your attention, for example, his behavior is, indeed, "working". If his goal, however, is to avoid "time outs" or other behavioral deterrant, it is not.
Before you begin any behavior change type of program, it is a good idea to sit down and discuss it (as more of an announcement and question/answer period than a negotiation). Ask him if he has any ideas for how you can help him change his behavior at home (if the ideas are reasonable - incorporate them!). Then tell him your ideas for helping him regain control of his behavior, and explain the plan. Be sure to emphasize that you are confident in his ability to manage these outbursts, and that you will do everything in your power to see that he acheives it.
One excellent way to extinguish an unwanted behavior, is to eliminate the reinforcer. If the reinforcer is attention, for example, elminating as much of the "attention" aspect of the punishment process may net you some suprisingly pleasant results. For example, rather than "dragging him to time out" the next time he engages in "fit throwing", try simply walking out of the room. Announce to your child that you will be (outdoors, for example), and that when he has pulled himself together, he can re-join the family.
A second possibility would be to consider setting up a reward system. For every tantrum-free day, for example, put a sticker star up on a chart on the refrigerator. Make a big deal at the end of the day for him to go place the sticker on the chart. When he has earned, say, 10 stars, set up a reward. In his case, my guess is that the best "reward" would be an activity with mom and dad (picnic in the park, playing a few board games of his choice, bike riding outing with parents).
I wish you the best of luck in helping your son to apply the "control" he has at school and in social settings to the home setting, as well.