Emily,

I was on here looking for some anxiety information and read your post.  Im not from an abusive family, therefore cannot understand exactly what you've been through, but number one, you need to know that your father is a sick man, MEN do not behave like this especially a father, also your uncles are sick men.  You are not a sick unhealthy woman, just  someone who has been extremely hurt and abused.  It is not your fault what happened and not your fault it has continued just untill 2 yrs ago.  If its happened for so long, it almost seems normal. We look up to our parents and its hard for some to understand that we will do what they tell us to, why not?  They are the only ones who we have known all our life! Who we were born to trust.   I hope God can forgive your father for his sickness and cruelty to human life.  He is an EVIL MAN  First off you created another "one" to help you handle the pain, and that other one is the part of you that is angry at YOU and taking it out on your own body because somewhere inside of you, you feel you could have prevented this.  The bleach is a cleansing form, your trying to clean yourself out of all the harm that was done to you.

In order for you to heal mentally, you need to understand your not a dirty person, your not a guilty person, your not a bad or evil person,  your not tainted.  Your a VICTIM, and you need to understand this first.  SEcondly, your far beyond taking  care of this yourself, you need to get on medication to help you through this.  You need a support group to talk to, you need to surround yourself with healthy positive individuals, your husband is a bad man to threaten you knowing what you have been through.  Sometiems we go after bad things when  bad is all we have known.  Without a supportive spouse, healing will be  very diffucult.  You are an asset to your children, be there for them and get the medical help you need, seek a psychiatrist and get on meds quickly.  From there life will look up, I promise.  Write letters to your father on paper telling him how angry you are at him adn what he did to you, save them in a journal, this will help you release alot of pain.  Good luck!!!

Ok, so you want to keep your kids, but do you want to hurt them?
At least do this:  go into a psychologist and also see a psychiatrist.  Do it on the sly if you have to, but do it, PLEASE!!! At least you can get outpatient treatment this way.  Keep it up for about a couple of months before you get bored or give up.  Also, I HIGHLY recommend an incest survivors support group.  You need to get this out of your system.  Just telling your husband and posting is not enough.  You need to discuss this with other survivors and you need to heal.  You are a SURVIVOR of your father's madness and I feel that you will outwit this "alter" or whatever and survive that as well.  You can do it.  You will survive.  The first step is therapy and finding strength in yourself.  After therapy, I recommend a short vacation.  You need some time to relax and treat yourself for a job well done.  Seems to me that this alter wants to remind you of your past.  Come to terms with it through therapy instead.  You are repressing too much:  cry when you need to.  talk when you need to.  If necessary, you may email me as well.  I have a friend who survived an incest situation.  Here is my email:  ***@****.  Best of luck.

Kang

It must be difficult experiencing the traumatic events that you describe. Introducing foreign objects and substances into your vagina and bladder can be medically dangerous. I urge you to seek psychiatric help as soon as posssible. Your condition can be improved by a combination of psychotherapy and medications.

To MW, my husband knows about what my father did, the fact that he served time in prison, but still I have the feeling that he doesn't believe me.  I wish that he did.  I do love him, and he's a good man.  It's just difficult to understand and live with someone that has multiple personality disorder, and borderline personality disorder, among other things.  It's just really hard on him I guess.  He's stuck by me plenty of times, and I am glad that he had never left me.  I am always so scared that he will.  Sometimes I think I would rather leave him than have him leave me.  And I think this for no apparent reason, other than my intense fear of abandonment.  I'm glad that your husband has come around.  People don't understand that when your depressed you need support, not criticism, or rejection.

To MW, thanks for your reply to my message.  My husband doesn't understand anything at all about any of my diagnosis.  Currently he doesn't want to.  I just don't want to lose my children.  They are the best thing that ever happened to me.  I love them dearly.  I am currently in therapy and am on lots of medications.  It was really neat to hear from you.  Thank you for replying.  I always feel totally alone.

Your very welcome.  In a way I can relate to that too.  I suffer from depression, and my husband felt that I was feeling sorry for myself and didn't want me to go on medication until I nearly had a breakdown.  I got some info from my Dr. and gave it to him and he has really come around.  Does your husband know about the incidents with your father?

My goodness honey.  I can in no way relate to your situation because I only suffer from depression from no known reason.  I do have a minor in psychology though.  I really think that you should re-admit yourself to the hospital.  "the other" could be putting you and your children in danger.  Are you in therapy or are you taking any kind of medications for this?  I will check back tomorrow.  Be careful.  You are acknowledging the problem and that is a good sign.  :) Does your husband understand your diagnoses?  He should not be threatening you with things like that.  That would only discourage you from seeking help.  I admire you for seeking though.