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Mental Health (Expert Forum)
I don't know where I am going?
Answered by
Roger Gould, M.D. - Mental Health, Wellness
Questions posted in the Mental Health forum are being answered by Dr. Roger L. Gould, author of the Mastering Stress and Depression program and affiliated with the UCLA. Department of Psychiatry. Topics covered include anger, attention deficit disorder (ADD), bipolar disorder, dementia, electroconvulsive therapy (ECT), learning disabilities, memory, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), panic, personality disorders, phobias, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), schizophrenia, stress, transitions, and work problems.
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I don't know where I am going?
by pattyc, Sep 23, 2002 12:00AM
I am 37 years old and I think my life is falling apart around me and I don't know what to do. I separated from husband a year ago after 15 years of marriage. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. He was a very abusive man and one day I just could no longer take it. I was dying inside, my life was not my own. Everything was based on what he wanted. I never really could express my own feelings. I guess I was lucky because although I wanted children we didn't have any.
I thought how wonderful it would be to have my own life. With my own life came many problems. Besides the fact that I had never been alone before there were problems I guess I didn't anticipate. My husband and I worked together now I needed to find work and my husband is very influential so no one would give me a job in the same industry we were in. Then came the incredible debt that I signed for in my name that my husband decided he was not going to pay for, punishment for my leaving him. People have told me I should go after him for support and this is part of my problem. Because I feel so guilty about leaving I won't ask him for anything and I have let him have everthing we own.
I have no job, no social life in debt up to my eyeballs and yet I am paralyzed about doing something to help myself. Does this make any sense? I went to see a therapist that I had to wait two months on a waiting list to see. She tells me that she really only deals in panic disorders and my problems run much deeper. This throws into a deep depression because I feel my problems are so enormous that even the therapist can't help me get through it. Every day I feel worse. I walk around dazed half the time. Every time I try to do something to get out of this hole I get rejected and stop trying immediately. I don't want to be the victim anymore, yet it is what I am becoming.
I feel like my husband was right I cannot survive without him. I am alone and scared, I cannot provide for myself, desparation is setting in. If I go back to him I'll pay dearly and I will never have the strength to leave again. It took me 15 years this time. I tried to get therapy and the people I can afford can't help me and the people I can't afford of course can. I spoke to my personal doctor who offered to give me Zoloft and Xanax, but I feel how can I take medication when I am not doing the therapy that goes along with it.
Everyday I avoid the problems and they are just becoming bigger and bigger. The future looks bleak for me. The therapist that said she couldn't help me said " you really are in a bind, no matter what you do you'll get hurt. I feel really bad for you it's like you have an 800 pound gorilla in your living room and your still wondering where the fowl smell is coming from."
Any incite would be much appreciated. I am so lost and the shore is just becoming a memory I can never find.
Thank you
I thought how wonderful it would be to have my own life. With my own life came many problems. Besides the fact that I had never been alone before there were problems I guess I didn't anticipate. My husband and I worked together now I needed to find work and my husband is very influential so no one would give me a job in the same industry we were in. Then came the incredible debt that I signed for in my name that my husband decided he was not going to pay for, punishment for my leaving him. People have told me I should go after him for support and this is part of my problem. Because I feel so guilty about leaving I won't ask him for anything and I have let him have everthing we own.
I have no job, no social life in debt up to my eyeballs and yet I am paralyzed about doing something to help myself. Does this make any sense? I went to see a therapist that I had to wait two months on a waiting list to see. She tells me that she really only deals in panic disorders and my problems run much deeper. This throws into a deep depression because I feel my problems are so enormous that even the therapist can't help me get through it. Every day I feel worse. I walk around dazed half the time. Every time I try to do something to get out of this hole I get rejected and stop trying immediately. I don't want to be the victim anymore, yet it is what I am becoming.
I feel like my husband was right I cannot survive without him. I am alone and scared, I cannot provide for myself, desparation is setting in. If I go back to him I'll pay dearly and I will never have the strength to leave again. It took me 15 years this time. I tried to get therapy and the people I can afford can't help me and the people I can't afford of course can. I spoke to my personal doctor who offered to give me Zoloft and Xanax, but I feel how can I take medication when I am not doing the therapy that goes along with it.
Everyday I avoid the problems and they are just becoming bigger and bigger. The future looks bleak for me. The therapist that said she couldn't help me said " you really are in a bind, no matter what you do you'll get hurt. I feel really bad for you it's like you have an 800 pound gorilla in your living room and your still wondering where the fowl smell is coming from."
Any incite would be much appreciated. I am so lost and the shore is just becoming a memory I can never find.
Thank you
Doctor's Answer
by Roger Gould, M.D., Sep 24, 2002 12:00AM
, Sep 24, 2002 12:00AM
This is your time to struggle for and reach your independence. You will need this no matter who you have as a husband. Its not the time to give up.
You are right, you need a good therapist to help you get "unstuck" and start moving forward. I can't solve the financial problem for you, but if you want to get started, you can do that online with the masteringstress.com program. There you will guided in working through the problems, one by one, and taking action. An online therapist will be there to help you. And it is very affordable.
Other than that I suggest you get some help from your natural support group...friends, relatives, someone you trust to talk too.
You are right, you need a good therapist to help you get "unstuck" and start moving forward. I can't solve the financial problem for you, but if you want to get started, you can do that online with the masteringstress.com program. There you will guided in working through the problems, one by one, and taking action. An online therapist will be there to help you. And it is very affordable.
Other than that I suggest you get some help from your natural support group...friends, relatives, someone you trust to talk too.
The doctor is right; this is your time to grow and become your own person, free from your husband's abuse. Times of change are always difficult, but these are the times that make us strong and able to handle the next problem that comes along.
Your problems are not too much for a therapist to handle. The one you approached sounds clueless. Find another one. There are lots of good, competent, sympathetic therapists out there. Don't take the opinion of one bad one as the gospel truth.
For your debt/financial problems, I suggest you contact a credit counseling group. Every city has them, and they are usually free. They can help you consolidate your debt and work out a payment plan that you can afford. They can also help keep creditors off your back if you are late paying.
I don't think you should go back to an abusive husband. You did the right thing by leaving him. No one said it would be easy; the right thing usually isn't. But you had enough strength to leave him, so I believe you have the strength to see this through as well. You just have to believe in yourself and your ability to ride this out. The hard times DO pass.
Keep your chin up!
CeeJay
Glad I could help. =)
About the meds... I see where you're coming from, but I don't believe in a "false feeling of well-being." If you have the feeling of well-being, it can't by definition be false. Feeling it is what makes it real. It's not some sort of illusion or fake-out of yourself. You feel better, and that's the ultimate goal, right? So it's real.
I've been on meds for 6-7 years. Am I dependent on them for my happiness? Probably. But they work, and that's all I care. It doesn't feel like I'm fooling myself or running from deeper issues. I still know what my problems are and I try to deal with them, but having the meds keeps me from overreacting, from feeling completely hopeless and helpless, and from mistreating people who care about me. Meds are not the cure, but they most certainly help, and they give you the strength to work on your issues in other ways. Most are not habit-forming, so yes, you can quit anytime you like, although many of us get attached to feeling better and don't want to lose that. I don't know if I'll ever get off meds; why risk feeling bad again? But many people effectively use them for short-term therapy, and you could too.
You should really find a competent therapist and talk to him/her about your concerns. The encouraging part of this is that you're doing something about how you feel.. talking to people, posting here, looking for answers. That's the first step, so you're already heading in the right direction. I'm confident you can recover from all this stuff in your life. I wish you only the best.
CeeJay
I am going to try to find a therapist. At this time affordability is the problem. The funny thing is that I need the therapy to help me get my life on track, which includes finding a job, yet without work I can't afford the therapy. I am going to see what resources may be available to me. You made me feel like there is a little hope that tomorrow just might be a little brighter. Thank you again.
I would like to make a suggestion if you have not tried this. If you live in or near a large City..go to the Citys' County Hospital or maybe a Teaching Hospital..they usually have Mental Health Clinics. Usually the fees at these Clinics are based on Income or ability to pay..at least it is worth a try to check it out.
Have you tried going to an Abuse Shelter for Women for help. Try the Salvation Army ..maybe they can help you or guide you to some helpful suggestions.
I live in a small city..but I am only 15 miles from a large City. We have what is called Contact...it is a Telephone Service that will listen to your problems..and may even make some suggestions.Look in your phone book or call the Operator.
Try Family Guidance Center ..if one is in your area.Look in the Government Pages in the Phone Book under Mental Health or Health..Human Services..I dont' know how it would be listed but you get my drift.
I wish you a lot of Luck.. I hope this has been helpful and I pray that you can get you life back on track with some professional help..a lot of times we just can't help ourself and need professional assistance at least to get us on the right track..
~GBU~ Have a great day!
bopsy
Let us know how it's going, ok?
CJ
Just remember this is probably the biggest challenge you will ever face, and when you come through the other side, you will find the most incredible sense of strength and power in your own self.
Keep going, no matter what. Don't be frightened of the meds, they will alleviate the terror whilst keeping your head straight. When i was going through a similar situation a few years ago, i never thought I would ever ever come through it. It was the worst time in my life. A friend saw how bad i was becoming and urged me to try meds. The meds helped me to control my emotions, so that I could deal with them at a pace I was able to.
What ever you do.. just remember, ever day is closer to being free of this pain. You will come through it.. the other end of the tunnel is there, u just need to work your way through it. It will take a while.. but you can do it.
love, Peggy
I have been reading through many of these postings and I can really relate to yours. I too was in an abusive relationship that lasted only 5 years (and I thought that was a long time) but I have had a difficult time getting my life back on track and where it was before this relationship.
It started during the last couple years of the relationship when I began having trouble sleeping, anxiety and major depression. I hardly got out of the house much at all except for when it was absolutely necessary. I worked from home so I was in my house most of the time and did not have the desire to do much of anything. I finally ended the relationship and even though I was glad it was finally over, I still struggled getting through it and moving forward with my life. It has been over a year now and I still cannot seem to get my life back on track although I keep on trying. I believe that I got into a rut a couple years ago that has became habit and therefore it is taking me a long time to get out of it. I began to get my life back on track after the relationship ended but I have had many setbacks in the past year since that have caused additional stress and depression making it even harder. But even though it has been a tough road I have made the decision to do whatever it takes to get my life back on track and reach happiness again. For me I believe a lot of my stress and depression results from the fact that I do not get out of the house often enough. I distanced myself from my friends and my family, I kept procrastinating and was just in a depressive state/place in my life.
I can really relate to your comment about "feeling paralyzed about doing something for yourself". I have felt this way so many times and just like you I wonder if it makes any sense. And I think it does go along with how we are feeling. It was a very scary feeling for me having to go back to work (at least in my case going to work for a company again). I had started a business that did well in the beginning but then had major problems that ended up in major court battles. As a result, I got into major debt from the unfortunate things that happened with my business and the stress and depression only increased enormously. I knew I had to do something about it. So I thought that even though it was scary and I didn't really want to, I thought that getting a job might really help in many ways including getting out of the house, interacting with people, increasing my self-confidence and helping me get back into a routine and out of the rut I was in. So although the economy was not that great, I got the first job that I interviewed for after posting for the position on the internet. And I started right away and it was making very good money and working for a great company. I was very excited even though I was also very scared. It was very difficult for me to even get out of bed in the morning to go to work. For me, I have a chronic pain condition that I have had for over 10 years and that is a major concern as my condition impacts my job when I am in great pain or extremely tired all the time from not sleeping and some of the medicines make me tired (depends on the time they are taken).
If you decide to start any medicines just know that medicines work differently for different people. While one med may help someone greatly, it could potentially have the opposite effect on you. So you may need to try different meds before finding the one that works for you.
I wanted to tell you that this position did help me a lot with all the things I mentioned above including getting into a routine again, feeling better about myself and getting me out of the house and focused on something else to take my mind away from negative thoughts. I truly believe that getting out of your house as much as possible will help. Even friends I have known have found themselves in a state of depression when they spend too much time at home for whatever reason (got laid off, illness, etc.). I know for me I must get out of my house more often if I want to get better and seek happiness. There is just too much time to "think" and "analyze" and "assume" when you have too much time alone in your own home and you are not having fun, interacting with people, taking care of yourself, etc.
I wish you the best of luck and I would love to hear from you again and maybe we can chat more and help eachother get better!
Good luck...traci