I'm a 19 year old male. For starters, I had a happy childhood. The bad news is it's been downhill for the past 5 years. Despite my childhood being memorable and happy, looking back I can recall a few things that might relate. Ever since I can remember (4th grade), I've always had far greater anxiety than the average child in doing class presentations. I also scared easier than other children; in 5th grade on one occasion I called my parents in the middle of the night at a friends sleepover B-day party because I couldn't take the scary film they were watching. Still, up until 8th grade my life was normal and enjoyable. I was a happy, good looking kid who did what kids did - hung out and had fun.

9th grade is where it started to go wrong. For starters, I have always had a pigeon chest; because of this, I recall me being terribly insecure when taking swimming in P.E. In 9th grade, I developed acne. I slowly become more socially anxious. I established close friendships, but the anxiousness persisted. By 10th grade, acne was at its peak, and I withdrew from social life. I took refuge in the computer and movies, however, and led an isolated, though content life, pretty much ignoring my issues.

I went through 11th and 12th grade with a very intense social phobia/anxiety as well. I kept alive by having a cynical, witty sense of humor, but always posessed a negative self-image; all I seemed to really care about was how I looked... After I graduated, I did CC for a year and worked nights. About 6 months later, I moved out, but meanwhile read Buddhist stuff and became a lot better in social contexts. I was friendly, not defensive. Then, a few months after that, I had an intense bad trip, which focused on bewilderment, confusion, paranoia of people I was with, etc. Similar attacks persisted.

I moved back w/parents, scared of the anxiety, and visited a psychiatrist. I'm still going to him (about my 10th visit). We've been working on several things, I've been doing some cognitive self-help (Burns' Feeling Good), and so far I've gotten much better. But, despite this, I still feel quite anxious and feel as if there's some irritractible low-self esteem issue; it's immensely powerful and I see myself as wholly inadequate. When talking with people I feel forced (surviving to look OK), and I feel rejected when I know realistically they aren't doing so. Just today I read about APD, and it's scary how much I seem to relate. The problem is, it seems absolutely hopeless. If this was a general depression, I'd be OK w/the low-self esteem, but imagining this disorder for all my life, never being able to build esteem and love/have friendships; why live?

My question is simply how dubious is APD? Psych hasn't mentioned anything, but I'll bring it up next-time (3 weeks). As of now, I'm severely depressed with the thought of me having APD... Was doing OK, but the thought of feeling like this forever. No can do.

Overall; what do you think? What should I do?