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Mental Health (Expert Forum)
Talking to a 5 year old about death & dying
Answered by
Roger Gould, M.D. - Mental Health, Wellness
Questions posted in the Mental Health forum are being answered by Dr. Roger L. Gould, author of the Mastering Stress and Depression program and affiliated with the UCLA. Department of Psychiatry. Topics covered include anger, attention deficit disorder (ADD), bipolar disorder, dementia, electroconvulsive therapy (ECT), learning disabilities, memory, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), panic, personality disorders, phobias, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), schizophrenia, stress, transitions, and work problems.
Talking to a 5 year old about death & dying
by mom@homenow, May 11, 2007 12:00AM
Hello, We have had to deal with several deaths recently and I would like to what is appropriate so share with my 5 year old son, who is full of questions. I try to be honest with his direct inquiries but he is asking for more and more detail.
Over the last two years we had to euthanize two dogs, and rather than telling my son (he was 3 & 4 at those times) that the dogs just went away, we did tell him very simply that the dogs were old and that their bodies (kidney, heart) had stopped working, that they’d died and gone to heaven. He wanted that information repeated over and over at the time but did not ask for more explanation.
More recently he has seen photographs of him with my grandmother, whose funeral he attended as he turned two. I have given much the same explanation- she was very old and her body stopped working. He knows that his paternal grandparents died before he was born. He asks us to repeat/discuss this kind of information quite frequently. (maybe monthly?)
This month one of my uncles died and currently an aunt, whom my son knows well, is dying of cancer as well. My son knows this from overhearing talk and because she was in the hospital for months and he drew pictures for her. He is a sensitive, compassionate child. I would like to attend my aunt’s funeral. Should a 5 year old attend a funeral or not? If I go, he will have to go with me. How much should I be sharing about death with a child this age?
My son seems more curious about all this death and dying rather than scared, although he is starting to ask if you have to be old to die. I have reassured my son that he is very young and that his body is in no way ready to quit on him; same for me and his father. He doesn’t have trouble sleeping, and he doesn’t seem obsessed or to be thinking about it all the time. I’d like to know if I should continue answering his questions, even as he becomes more inquisitive and asks for more detail (He’s asked me to explain cancer this week) Sorry if this is disjointed. Thank you.
Over the last two years we had to euthanize two dogs, and rather than telling my son (he was 3 & 4 at those times) that the dogs just went away, we did tell him very simply that the dogs were old and that their bodies (kidney, heart) had stopped working, that they’d died and gone to heaven. He wanted that information repeated over and over at the time but did not ask for more explanation.
More recently he has seen photographs of him with my grandmother, whose funeral he attended as he turned two. I have given much the same explanation- she was very old and her body stopped working. He knows that his paternal grandparents died before he was born. He asks us to repeat/discuss this kind of information quite frequently. (maybe monthly?)
This month one of my uncles died and currently an aunt, whom my son knows well, is dying of cancer as well. My son knows this from overhearing talk and because she was in the hospital for months and he drew pictures for her. He is a sensitive, compassionate child. I would like to attend my aunt’s funeral. Should a 5 year old attend a funeral or not? If I go, he will have to go with me. How much should I be sharing about death with a child this age?
My son seems more curious about all this death and dying rather than scared, although he is starting to ask if you have to be old to die. I have reassured my son that he is very young and that his body is in no way ready to quit on him; same for me and his father. He doesn’t have trouble sleeping, and he doesn’t seem obsessed or to be thinking about it all the time. I’d like to know if I should continue answering his questions, even as he becomes more inquisitive and asks for more detail (He’s asked me to explain cancer this week) Sorry if this is disjointed. Thank you.
Doctor's Answer
by Roger Gould, M.D., May 15, 2007 12:00AM
, May 15, 2007 12:00AM
this is not disjointed, a very cogent and real issue. I think you are doing everything right so far, which is to respond to his questions without scaring him. Once children are curious like this it is better to have an explanation than let them make up their own, which will be much scarier. It's also reassuring that you will listen and respond, showing you are not afraid of the subject. But as much as possible you want to protect him from too much death in his face, so you'll have to think more re the funeral coming up, and how to handle that.
Member Comments (1)
by John Paul II, May 30, 2007 12:00AM
My father died 8 months ago. My wife and I talked to our 5 year old daughter about it in the most natural way. We mention that grandpa was sick and that now he was happy and in a better place wiht God (yes, we are Christians). My daughter when she gets mad tells us that she wants to die. Is it normal for kids to feel like dying or is it that the picture that we painted of death and heaven has become nicer than to suffer her parents asking her to eat her greens and to clean her room.
