In Germany we say: What will not kill you, makes you stronger.

The disease already made your mom stronger, you say she is in good spirits - good for her! And you will make it through this as well. If you need professional help with this by all means seek it - no need to be embarassed!

And as you know: It's harder for a parent to lose a child. That is why my mom is now having a harder time than I have. We live 5000 miles apart. She was here all December to take care of me post-op but had to go back. She keeps saying she cannot bear the thought of losing her child before she goes...she is 70. So I feel definitely more sorry for my family than for myself.

HI, I'm so sorry for your anguish. I've been reading your posts over the past few weeks and can't help but notice the tremendous amount of guilt you seem to carry, along with the paralyzing fear you're expressing. There is no doubt in my mind that your mom is a wonderful lady, you've written so much about her. She is however, only human. I think you hit the nail on the head when you mentioned you might be afraid of your own mortality. Could it be that you are worried about how you will cope after her eventual death (from whatever cause, in however many years)? You mentioned that you are the baby of the family. It can be especially devastating to the youngest in the family to deal with the possible death of their mom. Regardless of your age, I'm willing to bet your mom (like other moms) continues to comfort you in many ways. It's hard thinking about that comfort zone being removed from our lives. A mother, like no other, gives us that feeling of being safe and protected. To realize that part may be gone is very frightening, and also makes you realize that you yourself are vulnerable. Diagnoses like this can be so devastating to a family because it makes EVERYONE face their biggest fears. You will face them, however, and you WILL deal with them. This fear and anger are a part of the process. You are going to be alright. You will find your strength. Don't waste time with guilt or "what if's", a mom always know when their child loves them. It's hard to accept that there are no hard core answers, no black and white stats that fit everyone. Your comfort zone is being threatened, but sometimes paths that lead us outside of that zone form new strenths and relationships, along with renewed insight. We're here for you, take a deep breath, and just know that this is the beginning of a new path, a new relationship between you and your mom, and the beginning of a new strength for you.  God bless,
Robin

I love my mom more than anyone else in this world.  I always knew it, but now Im really feeling it.  She has done so incredibly much and sacrificed for so many years for the family.  She truly is a wonderful mother and an amazing woman.  Its just so painful that she has to go through this and the one time she really needs help, I cannot do a thing to make this thing go away.

My mom isnt a celebrity and we didnt grow up in a rich family.  She had a tough childhood because her parents were always fighting and werent together.  She herself has a wonderful marriage and made sure that we kids had a happy childhood and everything we needed. Growing up I never once doubted her love for me and that, perhaps, is one of the greatest gifts you can give your children. Its great that Im going to a support group because I clearly need help dealing with all of this.  All of us kids are out of the house and my dad is retired.  I wanted them to enjoy these years for themselves.  None of us in the family is good enough to even lick my moms feet.  Please.  We need her.  There are so many things for her to look forward to over the next several years.  I desperately want her around.  I'm the baby of the family and I love her.

I'm sorry about your mom, the best thing to do is for her and of all you is to enjoy life as much as possible, make every day a party, you never know what will happen, she could die from something else.  I don't believe things happen for a reason, it's all random and we just have to try and deal with whatever comes as best as we can. Just be there for her and try to get her the best care possible, doing research and asking lots of questions is good.
One of my friends had ovarian and uterine cancer and she has survived almost five years now when doctors told her she wouldn't so you never know what will happen. If she hasn't had the surgery
yet, try to go to the best surgeon in your area, this can make a difference.

I calculate over and over because I cant handle uncertainty.  Even if the stats were excellent, I would still be terrified.  All of our lives will never be the same and that is scary too.  But who do I think I am to be so concerned with how this impacts me?  My mom is the one going through it, yet she is in very good spirits.  She isnt asking "Why me", she isnt yelling out in anger and throwing things, she isnt sitting around feeling sorry for herself.  I am in awe at her emotional strength.

Lets take ovarian cancer out of the equation.  The fact is, my mom is aging and she is 75...in 5 years she will be 80....even with ovca out of the equation, who knows how fast she will age in the next few years.  I guess in the back of my mind Im reminded of my own mortality.

The surgeon, NOT the chemo doc, did say that women with this disease have a 50% chance of living over 5 years.  He said the MEDIAN survival is 5 years....meaning 50% live greater than 5 years and 50% live less than 5 years...but I think this is all regardless of Stage.

If this is how I feel about a parent, then I cannot even begin to fathom how a parent feels and worries about a child.

Hi.  I have a copy of her pathology report and yes it was a bit scary to read.  But it doesnt say what is still left.

They refer to whats left as specs or spots.  That must be small right?  I mean if they were relatively bigger they would say some nodules are left.  Or am I wrong?

Oh, forgot. In regards to the 2% left and the chemo treatment. It's not so much about how much is left than it is about the size of what's left. If there are 10 little nodules left smaller than 1 cm, that would be better than one inoperable tumor of a larger size, because it is easier for the chemo agents to penetrate/saturate smaller size tumors or lesions, and it is therefore more effective.

You would have to check with the surgeon to find out what the 2% is like that he left in. It might be that he got it all and that the 2% is just small particle floating around. Your mom can also request a copy of the pathology report. It might be a little scary to read...mine was, anyway...but it gives you a better idea of what they did.

Milashka....that person responded to the chemo then it came back 3 months later...NOW what do they do?  More chemo?  But there has to be a limit as to how much chemo they can give someone since it kills good cells too.  That has to be disappointing to say the least.

Curls...I am feeling so damn guilty.  I tell my mom I love her and Im spending more time with her now.  The thing is why did this happen to HER?  SHE was not the one who needed the wakeup call....its the rest of the family that took each other for granted. She NEVER took any of us for granted. Its so heartbreaking.  Of all of us in the family, SHE is the one who deserves to live to a ripe old age.  Her mother lived to her mid 80s and her father made it to 100!  I want my mom to have many more happy and healthy years.

Im also selfish.  I want her here for ME.  Just having her around, even if she isnt talking, is just very comforting to me.  Thats one way moms are so special.

The doctor said 50% go into remission.  She then said that of that 50% about 40% of them have recurrences...multiply 50% by 40% that equals 20%.  So you subtract that 20% from the original 50% and you get 30% - it is that 30% that live long term - long term, Im assuming, being 5 years or more.  But again the doc said dont just look at those numbers.  Right now my mom is doing fine so hold on to that.

But its tough.  My mom is looking so tired.  I wish I could give her some of my physical strength to battle this.

Also with all that cancer they removed, cant they really analyze it and figure out exactly what would kill it?  If only it were that simple.

Okay, we might drive everybody else crazy with our numbers, but I got a different calculation...Here it goes.

70-80% of the women respond well to chemo and go in remission. Even the lady in the chemosuite was in remission for three months.

Out of the 70-80% that respond, 60% have recurrences. When it recurs nobody can say...three months...two years...three years.

My doctor said (again, stage 3C, optimal surgery) 50% chance it will recur within 5 years, 50% that I will be in remission for more than 5 years. Thing is, he says that to everyone, it seems, even the woman that did not have a good surgery with a tumor behind the pancreas, and who has additional health risks. Which makes me think that the coin toss is just that...they don't know either.

Not sure if I mentioned this before. My dad had colon cancer at age 51. It was very bad and he had a 5% chance to live 6 months. Now, THAT is a dismal statistic. He is now a 19 year survivor and will turn 71 in May. And without any life changes...among other things, still smokes 2 packs a day.

And to throw that in: my previous dog had cancer at age 4 and they were unable to remove it all...she was given 6-8 months. She lived another 10 years and died of old age. My vet still says that was amazing.

Just to show you that noone ever knows.

You know, guilty can be a sign of depression.  I didn't think I was hearing that, but there is long term depression, but also short term from loss, and right now you are facing losses of security...  Depression can be treated, even short term.

There's likely a more specific question underlying your go over the numbers...  Try and see where it goes...  Even if you had the best answers would the question stop?

Thinking out loud here.  
Cheri

We might as well talk on the phone LOL

Yes, the lady is receiving more chemo, just three months after the first round of 6. Bummer. I think she is on Abraxine and something else, a trial. She was funny and in great spirits and will keep her hair...she was happy about that. She said the re-diagnosis was not as bad as the first time around and that it was easier to deal with it, knowing what to expect with the treatments etc.

How small the spots are, you will need to ask the surgeon.

You're asking why did this happen to her? I'm asking, why did this happen to me? And why did Dana Reeve of ALL people in the world die of lung cancer this week? She was only 44 and has a 13 year old boy who is now an orphan.

Nobody "deserves" to die, yet, we all have to go one day. And nobody wants to lose their mom.

"But is getting 98% out considered a good start?"  You've asked this question many times.  That leads me to believe there is a question behind the question that your aren't asking and that's why the answers aren't satisfying you.  

One possiblity is that you are asking how you can handle the real risk that this will take your mom from you.  I might be way off, but start looking...and see what shows up?
Cheri

Concerned, as you said, there is no rhyme or reason as to who beats this and who does not. Try not to get hung up on the numbers. You will never find the definite answer in those numbers or in stories of people that made it or didn't make it. You will need to wait for the future to find out. It sucks to have to live with that uncertainty, but that's the way it is. Try to make the best of it.

Where did you get the 30% statistic? Didn't the doctor say 50/50?

You might remember, I have the same situation, with a 100% surgery. Not to disappoint you, but I just had a chemo treatment yesterday and talked to the woman next to me. She had 100% of the cancer removed and responded well to chemotherapy, with the tumor marker dropping from over 1000 to below 10. But the cancer was back 3 months later.

I see a lot of recurrences in the chemosuite, but keep in mind, these are the 50% that recur. The 50% in remission are NOT on in the chemosuite and NOT actively involved on this forum (there might be exceptions). The "good" half is out there living their life.

Best of luck to your mom. Keep your head up and believe in the treatment.

Yes, you are babbling.  We have already been through this part, about 98% being a very good surgical result.

But is getting 98% out considered a good start?  Or do they virtually have to get ALL the visible cancer out for the best prognosis?  Is it easier for the chemo to kill the remaining 2% as opposed to someone who has more than 2% remaining?  OR if a person responds well to chemo, then it doesnt really matter if its 2% or 10% thats left?

Im babbling.

In my observations, there are three factors that affect "survival."  The first is a good surgery, with as much of the cancer as possible being removed.  The second is a good response to the treatment regimen, which might be chemotherapy, radiation therapy, or even hormonal therapy.  In the cases of cancers where surgery is not an option (like lymphomas, for example), the treatment response is the first factor.

However, the last factor is as important as the first two, and this one I call 'attitude.'  I have known people who should have survived their cancers who simply gave up and died of their disease.  I have also known people who refused to quit, who fought the disease with every means they could obtain,  and often beat the odds presented by their doctors.  Even these "fighters"  who could not find a cure and eventually died from their cancers lived better lives during their last years than the ones who let themselves wither and die.