Tybear,
Oh, I do know you are just thinking of the sadness today, I hope you are better now, although I know it will always be tough.  I think I wrote this before, but my friend told me that loss, of any type, is like walking around with a 70 lb pack on your back.  It never goes away, and it is always there, you just get stronger so the pack begins to feel lighter and you learn to adjust.  Isn't that true?  You've had such grief and hardship and all these unknowns at such a young age, coping with it will be an emotional process.
A 3 year old boy, I love that age!  They are just so innocent and like little sponges, learning every day.  And they think Mama is the all knowing!  (wait til they develop an attitude!)  
Sometimes I am so overwhelmed with three kids, I look at my friends with one kid and am envious of their lives.  They do so much travel, and focus so one on one it is like the time and attention that I can never devote to my kids.  Now that I have a 1 year old, I feel like my 5 year old is neglected, because the 7 year old demands attention, as does the baby, and that middle child gets left out.  
I'm convinced it is mother's guilt that we all feel, nothing seems quite right and we are always trying so hard and feeling like we are falling short.  My friends with one child say I'm so lucky to have three, and I know I am. But I say often that they are so lucky to have one, and they know they are too.  So, that is that.
I doubt my words help, I just want you to know that your feelings have to be so very normal, dealing with shock and loss.  Part of the grief cycle is shock, denial, anger and the road to acceptance is long.
You've had a lot to grieve and I think you are doing stellar, and you are helping all the women that are also struggling, so I hope that fills your soul up, knowing you are comforting others who are coming through some of the same hardships.
I have to run, I will not be online much after I recover, I'm feeling better post-op and so I see my busy life returning, and being online was never part of that.  If I could shower during the day, that was an accomplishment.  So soon I'll disappear, but I'll be thinking of all these great women here!
By the way, I think it is CRIMINAL that a birthmom could change her mind after one year in Canada, that is disgusting to me, I think it is wrong at all levels, and is very harmful for a child to be loved and bonded with a family, then just ripped out because birthMom changes her mind. No way!  If I lived there, I think I would lobby against it to change that law.  (What I love about Canada is their promotion of breastfeeding and not circumcising, we are backwards in the states about those issues!)
Regarding adoption . . .In the states, each state has their own laws, some have a 3 day period for the BirthMom to change her mind, the most I've heard of is 2 weeks.  The big sticking point here is consent from the father, that is the only thing that I've heard disrupting an adoption, consent was given by the wrong father, so the real father (established through DNA testing) says he never gave up his rights, and never received notice of the adoption, etc.  But that is very very rare. If I were to adopt, I'd make sure a paternity test was done and consent was given properly, and then there would be no looking back, that baby would be ours without question.
Maybe one day for you?  You never know. I'm sure you are grieving the loss of that choice as much as anything else.  Maybe you would choose to only have one child, but to have that choice taken away from you as it was, is heartbreaking.  
Enjoy your little boy, they grow up so fast.  You are doing really well with all you've been handed so early in life. You are SOOOOOO young yet!  Keep up the positive attitude, and be as healthy as you can be, and take one day at a time.
One good thing about my cancer scare (not knowing if I had it or not) is that I've become as fit as I've ever been, and although I do drink coffee, I don't drink sodas, and try not to have preservatives in foods, and I eat SOOO healthy.  I figure that is one thing I can control, and I refuse to contribute to any bad health I may face down the road, so I hope you feel the same incentive, to eat very healthy, exercise as you are able to, and keep your thoughts as positive and forward focused as possible.
Goodbye for now.

Becky,

I'm so sorry you are going through such a rough time, I can't imagine what it would be like.

I had my left ovary removed, have endo and now one of the side effects of chemo is loss (hopefully not permanent) of fertility - I'm trying to keep positive but it gets me down at times as I'm 29 not in a relationship and seems like I will never been in one at this stage!!!  All I want is children and keep seeing pregnant women everywhere - I'm finding it all very distressing and I still have hope - I'm really sorry for your situation.

Hope you are okay, and I'm thinking of you - wish I could offer more words of wisdom!

Wow, things are alot different here in Canada. Adoption can take about 5-7yrs and you'll probably get a child that has medical problems. Unfortunately, most of these poor kids have some sort of illness, either mentally or physically. I'll be honest - I'm not too sure if I could handle it. (not right now, anyways) I also don't like that the birth Mother has legal rights to the child for a year afterwards (I think it's a year?) Could you even imagine falling in love with a baby only to have it taken away? International adoption? I ran into a woman at the park literally two days ago who had two adopted kids. The boy was from the Ukraine and cost $40,000 and the girl was from Moscow and was $60,000. Yikes! Truthfully, I'm not even really thinking about that stuff yet, I'm just trying to get through what's infront of me. Maybe one day, it will happen - just won't be any day soon. Thanks again for all your kind words... they really have helped me. My son is 3yrs old, Grateful, but also loves Spiderman, which is funny because he's never actually seen it! He really loves Go Diego Go! and the Backyardigans - I know more kids songs than I care to admit! His imagination is unbelievable sometimes - I can only imagine it gets better from here. (maybe with the exception of puberty!)
Becky

I was initially diagnosed with fibroids and was told that I would be having a full hyster because judging by the size of my stomach distention it was really advanced. That initial diagnosis was changed 15 minutes later after the scan discovered the cyst. That 15 minutes was the most painful overwhelmingly undescribably awful moment of my entire life - and god knows I havn't had the best of lives. It was as if someone had walked in through the side door with a sledge hammer and hit me over the head. I remember getting up from the chair and falling back into again as the room swam.

After the diagnosis went from defo hyster to maybe hyster it was still 6 weeks of awful wait. Couln;t bare to see babies in the street and pregnant woman - they were everywhere taunting me it felt. I couldn't make my husband understand that not having anymore children - to me - was as bad as a cancer diagnosis, or at least was playing on my mind as much.

When I spoke to the surgeon after the op he said there was a chance my remaining partial ovary was sent into shock we wont know for a year. Every night I wake up thinking I am having hot flashes and I end up crying in terror.

My situation pails in significance to yours because this is your reality. There are no maybe's for you this is it. I can not even begin to comprehend your pain for as I say, 15 minutes was like a horrible dream.

My heart goes out to you Becky - you know this. I would do anything to make this go away for you. We are having a fate today in my village and I didnt have enough time to organise a fund raising event because I am only just walking. I got hysterical because I felt like I was somehow letting YOU down. We have all had a taster of what you are going through but you live the whole damn reality of cancer with all its cruel effects.

All I can do is feel your pain and anger .... and I do

Anna x

Hi, my name is Leigha. I have been looking from afar on this site for almost a year. I am 22, with one ovary, and so afraid I wont have any children. Ive been married 1.5 years. Talk of adoption, my mom is currently fostering 4 children. I would like to say, if you go through the state, there are adoptions that dont cost anything but love. I would like to think that my mom will be keeping the kids considering their circumstances. So, if you want more children, there are many places to contact about free foster to adopt programs. Also, my mom has high blood pressure, she has diabetes, and has had two strokes. She still got children. The only thing that matters is that you have enough love and can provide for those children. God loves you, and all you need to do is pray. Good luck to you hun, and most definately GOD BLESS!
<3

I hope tomorrow will be a better day for you Becky.  

When I've been in deep grief and had those similar feelings of loss, I try to remember that my life is not interconnected with anyone elses.  Then I could be happy for others, even if sad for myself.  My brother had two healthy children while I tried for five years with three miscarriages, to have children, and never could during that period.  I knew when going to (and hosting one) of their baby showers, that their having a baby wasn't the reason I wasn't having one, you know what I mean?  My getting pregnant or not had nothing to do with their situation.  I could be truly happy for them, even if I did sit in bed and cry that night, and you know what, I was truly happy for them.  And everyone I saw having babies, so rest assured you'll be fine at baby showers, celebrating their happiness, even if it sparks sadness about what you've lost.  

There are also others who don't have a child at all who have dealt with loss of fertility, and here you have one wonderful son.  So there are always people who have less, who have more, but we all struggle.

You must not live in the states?  Adoption here is relatively easy, especially if you are willing to have a child who is of a minority ethnicity or medically fragile (usually minor things they will grow out of).  Health of the adoptive Mother is really not much of an issue or there would be no placements for these children, there is such a need for foster and permanent homes.  This actually used to be part of my line of work, so I was in the system and saw it firsthand.  International adoption is much more expensive, but something you can save for.  My friend has Lupus and kids of her own, but still adopted a girl from India and they are adopting a girl from China soon.  Oh my, there are such possibilities, including my cousin who adopted the sweetest little perfect girl because her Mom knew someone through a website (much like this) whose teen daughter was pregnant.  They paid nothing for that adoption.  You never know what the future holds, don't lose total hope of extending your family, it is amazing the twists and turns and miracles that our lives take.
  
In any event, I know you are not thinking about tomorrow, you are not thinking about adopting, you are just grieving a very real loss today when selling these baby items.  So just grieve, and get through this, and I don't know if the pain will ever leave you, but you will make it through.  I am sure you feel the same as every woman in your situation.  

I can see you have a lot of friends on this site, to carry you through the tough days like today, you are a lucky girl to be so loved.  And this is just online!  I can imagine it is tenfold in "real" life.

Have fun with your son tonight, I don't know his age, but know that I'm recovering from surgery and I'm having such fun laying in bed and reading with my 7 year old boy.  Right now it is King Kong, and soon it will be Superman.  Oh my!  If your son is around this age, you know what that is like, loads of fun because their imaginations are just wild!

I do hope you are feeling better and will have a good day tomorrow.

Thank you all for your kind responses. I would love to think that adoption would be a possibility for me, but the reality is, it's just far too expensive. I have a very good friend who has gone through the process because of fertility troubles, and without trying to be mean, blatently told me I probably wouldn't be able to adopt anyways because of my cancer. I'm sure she's right - it's not like you get "cured" after chemo... you all know how it is. This is just one of my bad times. I really hope that one day soon, I too will be able to see all that I have instead of all I didn't get to have - I guess I just really need to mourn this first. I'm petrified to go to my first baby shower after all this - Thank goodness there won't be any in my near future!
Becky

My heart goes out to yo Becky. I am 43 years old getting my left ovary removed a month from today I have a tumor in it, I also have fibroids on my uterus, I feel I am getting up in age to have a child[I never had any kids]- before I went to this gynocologist I saw 3 other gynocologist they wanted to give me a hysterectomy [I bled 34 days I had a chocolate cyst on my uterus that broke] but this one doc said my uterus looks normal size as long as the tumors do not keep growing I should be okay and so far don't need a hysterectomy , he took a biopsy of my uterus to see if it was cancer - I NEVER felt such pain ! Thank God I didnot have uterine cancer, he said I should be okay but woman who have fibroids have a harder time getting pregnant he said he may take photos of the fibroids during the operation. Long story short I have been buying baby items for years hoping someday I would have a child, now I feel most likely it will never happen, relatives and friends say to me your excepting the fact you most likely will not have kids right?  I get sick.
I had a garage sale sold alot of the baby items but kept a few things- just incase,I feel I am missing out on the most wonderful experience of my life. Do you think someday you would consider foter children or adoption? If so keep a few things that you feel you may need just incase. God bless you!
Angelwings21

Tybear...
I was in your place about 25 years ago.  Mourning our loss of fertility isn't something that can be wrapped up and packed away very quickly.  There are still times when I find myself wondering "what would it have been like" when I hear about pregnancies, deliveries.  I don't think I'll ever forget what I felt like the day I heard my doc tell me the results of our fertility studies.  

I can tell you that, if you find yourself being led toward adoption as a way of becoming a parent, it's an amazing experience in itself.  My husband and I became a family with our sons through adoption.  Even during the occasional "what would it have been like" times, I wouldn't trade them for anything.  I know that its an individual decision, and would never push anyone into it.  I will tell you that it takes more than genetics to be a Mom or Dad.  
peace,
Anne

Yes I agree with grateful, adoption is an option.  You have to close the chapter of natural childbirth of that, sadly, you have no option.  But further children?  Yes, you can go there.

Lots of love to you,

xxUrsulaxx

Hi Tybear, it breaks my heart that you are so sad.  I am like Scout, I've had to really mourn the loss of my fertility, and I don't have your situation which is so very drastic.  I think you have to just mourn, and just go through the emotions to come out on the other side.  I hope your future will hold more children, if you want more.  I was adopted and had a wonderful life, I'd say I'm the apple of my parent's eye.  I feel special and always have.  Who knows what the future holds, but for now I think you just need to cry, you've been through so much.  But you've made it too, and your son's Mommy is here to love him and raise him and that is the biggest blessing of all.  
I know my friend had a situation very similar to yours.  She actually started crying at my baby shower, and it was really hard on me, because I had trouble being happy then, when she was so sad.  Eventually she told me that she learned to feel lucky with what she DID have, and she started wanting only what she had and not what might have been.
I hope I'm not saying anything to offend you Becky, I know I'm not in the same situation as you, but I am old enough to have suffered some real hardships that I'm not comfortable talking about here, but I've had my share.  It is interesting, as I age I see that everyone has their cross to bear, and usually it isn't evident when looking at them.  So this is a big one, and it is yours to bear, and you are doing so well with it all, from what I've seen.  
And sometimes you just need to cry.  
I wish the best for you.  You can sell the baby stuff and if a baby comes in to your life in the future, through adoption, you can have fun buying new gear.  You are very young yet, and you have a whole life in front of you!  Anything can happen, I hope it is all good for you!

Becky, you are a strong woman who has gone through a terrible life changing event.  I cannot even imagine the pain and sadness you are experiencing - I have not had any children yet, but as far as I know, still can.

You have been a source of strenght and wisdom for so many women here (including myself), now it is your turn to hear some comforting words.

I agree with scoutshadow's comments about closing a chapter in your life, and commend you on taking the action.

Try and smile and keep a positive prospective on your new life.  Hug you son every day and remind him of how much you love him. Always remember that you are a survivor!
Take care, Dana.

I happened to pop in to see how everyone is doing, and I saw your post.  It definitely hit close to home.  Although my circumstances were very different, I can relate to the feelings you are having.  I was blessed with four children, and some may think that four is more than enough, but it is the finality of the situation that is difficult to deal with.  When I knew surgery was going to stop me from having any more children, I just wanted to get rid of everything...the crib, strollers, changing table, clothes, etc..I didn't want to be reminded of what I couldn't have.  My husband, however, snapped me out of it in his own way.  He said he didn't want to get rid of anything yet, most especially the crib.  I couldn't understand why he would want to hold on to these "useless" things.  After time went by, though, I realized what he had done for me.  He did not want me to lose those memories to bitterness or sorrow.  Those items represented such wonderfully happy times, and each child was such a blessing to our family, and I began to realize how fortunate I really am...a husband who loves me, beautiful children, good (better now) health, etc...at that point, I knew I was ready to move on.  I still cried when I gave most of my baby items away, but it was not so much out of pain, as it was out of letting go of the past.  Don't rush to get rid of everything...you will know when the time is right.

Hey Becky on selling my third kids stuff off I cried and cried.  It was an end to that era of my life.

But of course you are different.  I had a choice - you didn't.
The pain of selling everything must be worse.

Good for you for taking this initiative and going ahead and selling.  You are closing a chapter in your life and looking ahead to another.

Take care and hope you make lots of money.