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Sexuality & Relationships (Expert Forum)
Unusual masturbation - can't orgasm any other way
Answered by
Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D. - Sexuality, family, Sexual Identity
This forum is for questions and support regarding relationship issues such as: Abstinence, Arousal Problems, Birth Control, Cohabitation, Commitment, Communication, Couples Counseling, Desire /Lack of Desire, Sexual Technique.
Unusual masturbation - can't orgasm any other way
by laowai, Dec 03, 2006 12:00AM
I'm a 24 year old male, and I have had both orgasms and ejaculations, but never at the same time. For as long as I can remember, I've masturbated by pressing a pillow agianst my non-erect penis, and this has always resulted in ejaculation, but not erection (the pressure prevents erection). In fact, if I get an erection and want to masturbate, I have to wait for the erection to go away before I begin. I used to think this was unusual, but not neccesarily bad, until I started having sexual encounters. I found that I couldn't ejaculate from hand sex, oral sex, or even intercourse, perhaps because all of these are coupled with erection. These things also don't seem to bring me very much pleasure, at least not as much as it seems they ought to. I never lose myself to sensation the way I do when I am masturbating. Is there something wrong with me? Have I been conditioning myself my entire life to ejaculate the wrong way? Is it too late to change things now? What can my girlfriend and I do?
Doctor's Answer
by Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., Dec 03, 2006 12:00AM
, Dec 03, 2006 12:00AM
well, yes, you have been conditioning yourself for a long time and you will have to change your whole response system- which isn't easy but it's not impossible. Tantric masters have learned a different variation on what you are talking about- they have erections and orgasm without having ejaculation. This means you are not the only person in the world who has been able to make erection and ejaculation separate.
This is so long a learned habit however, that I would advise you going to a sex therapist. They may have seen other cases like yours and can tell you some ways to retrain your body and your mind. You have learned to supress erection in order to have ejaculation, now you have to couple the two. You will also have to learn to enjoy the sensations of intercourse as much as you have enjoyed the sensations of masturbation. I have actually seen that phenomenon not infrequently. One way to approach that is to supress masturbation for awhile and only give yourself release if you can do it during intercourse. If that is too hard on you try to masturbate until you are very close, almost to the point of ejaculation and then stop and see if you can transfer that feeling while you are erect- and then when you having sex. In other words, the theory is to get excited and see if you can transfer that new excitement to erection and intercourse.
I think this can be done- but again, I would defiitely say that a regime that can be monitored and approved by a sex therapist is your best choice. I am sure you can improve this situation but I would add one thought: there are many ways to have sexual enjoyment. You and your partner don't have to do any one way. If you can give her enjoyment during intercourse, and you like to have an orgasm another way, I don't see anything wrong in that. The point is to give and get pleasure and intimacy and there are a number of ways people do that. Nothing is forbidden unless it hurts yourself or others. While you are trying to change this remember to enjoy the journey- the closeness of you two, collaborating on this sexual project and not losing sight that the really important thing is each other- not the way you come to orgasm.
This is so long a learned habit however, that I would advise you going to a sex therapist. They may have seen other cases like yours and can tell you some ways to retrain your body and your mind. You have learned to supress erection in order to have ejaculation, now you have to couple the two. You will also have to learn to enjoy the sensations of intercourse as much as you have enjoyed the sensations of masturbation. I have actually seen that phenomenon not infrequently. One way to approach that is to supress masturbation for awhile and only give yourself release if you can do it during intercourse. If that is too hard on you try to masturbate until you are very close, almost to the point of ejaculation and then stop and see if you can transfer that feeling while you are erect- and then when you having sex. In other words, the theory is to get excited and see if you can transfer that new excitement to erection and intercourse.
I think this can be done- but again, I would defiitely say that a regime that can be monitored and approved by a sex therapist is your best choice. I am sure you can improve this situation but I would add one thought: there are many ways to have sexual enjoyment. You and your partner don't have to do any one way. If you can give her enjoyment during intercourse, and you like to have an orgasm another way, I don't see anything wrong in that. The point is to give and get pleasure and intimacy and there are a number of ways people do that. Nothing is forbidden unless it hurts yourself or others. While you are trying to change this remember to enjoy the journey- the closeness of you two, collaborating on this sexual project and not losing sight that the really important thing is each other- not the way you come to orgasm.
Member Comments (1)
by sheens, Oct 06, 2008 12:07AM
A related discussion, Problems ejaculating during sex was started.
