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Sexuality & Relationships  (Expert Forum)
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28 and No libido
Answered by
Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D. - Sexuality, family, Sexual Identity
This forum is for questions and support regarding relationship issues such as: Abstinence, Arousal Problems, Birth Control, Cohabitation, Commitment, Communication, Couples Counseling, Desire /Lack of Desire, Sexual Technique.
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MedHelp Member's Question

28 and No libido

by slowtogo, May 16, 2007 12:00AM
I am 28 and I have no urge for sex or desire for it. I have to force my self to have sex with my beautiful wife even though I would rather not. I just have no erge. I have always felt that my desire for sex was lower than other guys around me. I maybe have ther erge once a month. I noticed a decrease aroung 22and it has slowly progressed. I had several testosterone checks done and I am normal for testosterone levels. My father was divorced three time because of the same problem. I do not want this ruin my marriage. I have been taking propecia since I was 22 and I know that can have some effect. I stopped taking the propecia and started taking 50mg DHEA, yohimbe, Maca and L-arginine, about two weeks ago but nothing is helping. I am only 28 but I feel like I the sexual drive of a 50 year old and my wife thinks that I am bored of her. PLease help.
Doctor's Answer

by Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., May 17, 2007 12:00AM
Well, you have tried the first things i would have suggested'so let me ask a few rather sensitive questions_

When you DO get excited what is the stimulus? Is it your wife being nude, being touched by her, watching another woman' watching on on sexy movie, pornography, imagining sex with a man, thinking about a specific fantasy such as S and M or on on three-way- or??

I think the answer to these probes is significant. After all,you are able to get sexually interested some of the time. I want you to carefullly observe the direct antecedents of your arousal. Whatever they are, they  might tell you a bit more about what triggers your desire and give you something to try and increase as foreplay or fantasy.
The other thing I might suggest is going to any endocrinologist and seeing if there is anything interfering with your body's testosterone uptake. Your testosterone levels may be normal but your ability to use your hormones  may be inhibited.
Finally, i would check all medications. Are you taking anything for diabetes or depression? Are you depressed in general? If so, tell your doctor because these conditions will interfer with arousal.
  One more thing; you don't have to be aroused to please your partner with your hands or mouth. Don't neglect her needs even if they are not your own.  Make love to her so she knows you care about her even if it is not directly stimulating to you.
Member Comments (4)

by onroute, May 17, 2007 12:00AM
You need to be honest with her and how you feel.  We are taking counselling together and the counsellor says to be open and honest and the will give a healthy relationship.  Go to councelling if need be but dont let this ruin your relationship.  You are not like your dad and you will never be like him especially if you dont think like him and you deal with this problem.  I am sure your wife wants to work this out as much as you do. And this is not oyour  fault.  It is  your body.  Nothing else.  I am not  a doc but sounds like you are struggling physically.  If need be see a psychologist once or twice as it drains the emotions and the mind.  The cost is worth a marriage, would you agree?  I guess I seem forceful on this cause I have wasted my life not doing anything about anything and yrs went by until a breakdown came...and I wouldnt want that on my best friend.

Also I am taking paxil and so is my daughter and it has engerized her sex life 100%.  She was getting despondant about that very thing.  I only have been on paxil for 4 days so I dont know how that works for me.  Paxil works on depression and anxiety plus other things.  Look it up on the anxiety section here on the web.  YOU WILL OVERCOME!

by swirlingcoffee, May 25, 2007 12:00AM
To: slowtogo
I feel your pain, I hit the same problem at 34, at which point I was engaged (married now 2 years).  The range of problems it causes is enormous - my wife feels unloved and unwanted, which makes her colder towards me, which makes me even less interested.  I wonder if it's just me (as opposed to the dynamic in the relationship), and that hits my confidence hard.  And now there's one less passion in life, a passion we're naturally supposed to have, and that makes me feel abnormal.

I'm admitting this just for your information, I'm not proud of it and I do not recommend it.  However, it was getting so bad that if she made bedroom eyes the anxiety would rush in and I'd shrivel like I was in a cold pool.  Kissing caused waves of anxiety to race through my gut.  If I made it to sex, I could last long enough for her, but never ejaculate.  2 years of that, frequency of sex probably averages about 1 time every 2-3 months.  I was dying of fear on our wedding night, fortunately that one worked out.

We talked, I got therapy, etc.  I finally slipped (well, let's be honest, made a conscious decision) and slept with a woman I met with whom I had an instant, deep, and intense mutual attraction.  It was amazing.  Good news - I know it's not me.  Bad news, it's me.  Even more bad news, I demonstrated an awful lack of integrity to myself.

Seek help, get on this, be aggressive in working it out and include your wife.  You'll probably have to be more honest than you're comfortable with (how can I tell my wife she's not my type physically?  And why didn't I know that sooner), but it's better than cheapening yourself and hurting someone you love.

by DanTheGojiMan, May 25, 2007 12:00AM
To: I've tried it and it worked
Just try it once you'll see, I didn't belevie in it also but know I do. Make sure you get the right one. You could find it at

www.specops.freelife.com

Goji and Great Sex

You're Never Too Old For Great Sex
If you watch primetime TV dramas or listen to lyrics of current pop songs, you might think that sex is only for younger adults. This simply isn’t true. Sexual feelings and desires are with us throughout our entire lives. In fact, according to the Mayo Foundation for Medical Research and Education, most people still have sexual fantasies and desires well into their 80s and 90s.



In 1999, an important AARP (American Association For Retired Persons) study asked mature Americans:
"Is a satisfying sexual relationship important to your quality of your life?"

Percentage of respondents answering YES:



AGE MEN WOMEN



45-59 74% 66%



60-74 61% 48%



75 years and older 50% 44%



Source: AARP/Modern Maturity Sexuality Study, Washington, DC, 1999




Unlike past generations, few of us today are willing or ready to give up feeling active and alive just because we are growing older. As we progress inevitably from youth into middle age and beyond, we want to partake – for as long as possible – in those pleasurable activities that keep us feeling young. That includes enjoying intimate relationships.

A healthy sexual relationship can benefit every aspect of your life, including your physical health and self-esteem. And although sex in your middle or later years may be a bit different from the way it was in your twenties, it can be every bit as enjoyable and fulfilling. All that’s required is an understanding of the normal changes that are taking place in your body and your partner’s body. These changes can affect your ability to have and enjoy sex and, if not addressed, they can result in difficulties with arousal or performance (sexual dysfunction). Results from a national survey of people aged 18 to 59 years reported in the Journal of the American Medical Association indicate that sexual dysfunction is common among both women (43 percent) and men (31 percent).

What Drives Your Sex Drive? Your libido (sex drive) is regulated by the hormone testosterone. Although classified as a male hormone, testosterone is produced by both men and women. As you age, your body produces less testosterone. The result? Your interest in sex may diminish significantly.



Revive Your Sex Drive

The noted herbalist Ron Teeguarden reports that in Chinese studies, goji was shown to markedly increase testosterone levels in the blood, increasing libido in test subjects.




Coping With Change
Men and women experience different changes in their bodies as they age.

Women
Testosterone is not the only hormone that affects your desire for sex and sexual pleasure. As you approach menopause, you may experience a drop in levels of the female hormones estrogen and progesterone. This causes vaginal tissues to become thinner, drier, and less flexible, which can make sexual activity uncomfortable or even painful. Longer foreplay and the use of water-based lubricants can help, and having intercourse regularly actually helps maintain lubrication and elasticity.

Changing hormone levels can also cause you to have problems sleeping, and can result in heavy, irregular, or lengthy menstrual periods. You may find yourself feeling too tired or ill to enjoy sex.

Emotional factors can also affect your desire for sex. The Association of Reproductive Professionals informs us that at least 50 percent of problems with sexual desire have to do with relationships. For example, partners may have problems communicating with one another about their feelings in general, or their sexual needs. They may have boring sexual routines, or may no longer feel sexually attracted to each other. Feeling drained or stressed about your life situation — your job, finances, children — and other factors can also cause you to lose interest in sex.

Your body image is also important. If you feel that things like gray hair or wrinkles make you less attractive or desirable to your sexual partner, then you may find yourself looking to avoid sex.

Men
As you age, it might take you longer to achieve an erection. Your erections may be less firm and may not last as long. After climax, it may take longer before an erection is again possible. Some men may find they need more foreplay.

As men get older, erectile dysfunction (ED) becomes more common. Also referred to as impotence, ED is the loss of ability to have and sustain an erection firm enough for sexual intercourse.

According to the National Institute on Aging, by age 65, about 15 to 25 percent of men have this problem at least one out of every four times they are having sex. This may happen in men with heart disease, high blood pressure, or diabetes — either because of the disease or the medicines used to treat it.

Freedom from stress and distraction are required elements for male arousal and sexual performance. If you are overly stressed with worries about how you will perform, it can trigger impotence. Ample reserves of stamina and endurance are also necessary for a stress-free sexual experience.



Goji Fights Fatigue, Boosts Stamina

An animal study showed that goji’s master molecule polysaccharides induced a remarkable increase in exercise tolerance and stamina, and helped to eliminate fatigue.




Beating Health-Related Sexual Dysfunction
Illness, disability, and medications can affect your ability to have and enjoy sex. But, even the most serious health problems don’t have to stop you from having a satisfying sex life.

Arthritis
Joint pain can make sexual contact uncomfortable. Exercise, rest, warm baths, and changing the position or timing of sexual activity can be helpful.



Goji Activates Arthritis-Fighting Enzyme