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Is it possible to stop?
by M, May 18, 2000 12:00AM
I need to talk, or at least get a few things off my chest.
Last year I went the Dr. for a horrible pain in my neck and tingling in my arm. Found out there was a herniated disk. I was given Ultram. I liked it! Then it lost efectiveness and I started getting vicodin, but my Dr. was hesitant about giving to much of that, so he turned me to Darvocet. Well I have been managing for the last year now getting a refill each week. I want to stop, but can not mentally do it. I feel that if the hour that I take a dose passes and no dose is given I start sweating, and getting agitated. now if I am having a great time and I don't see the clock I don't notice. But as soon as I see that my dose hour passed I freak. My Dr. apparently wrote me a script for 120 ultram with a refill of 12! Problem is that my insurance won't let me get more than a 10 day supply at a time that is only 4 pills a day! I found that I can actually fill every 8 days. Well I started to stop slowly. Because I only had 6 pills left a 2 days till my next fill. The first day I managed to only take 2 pills all day. I found that I didn't have the cravings when I woke up. But I think that all the meds that I took the day before were still in me. Then yesterday I had only 4 pills left and I couldn't get more till today. I knew that the 4 pills wouldn't last. I found that I was very angry inside and didn't want to do ANYTHING! I am a stay at home mom of 3 kids. I called my Dr. and knowing that my last darvocet fill was 2 months ago I called to get another one.
Though I am only suppose to take 2 at night for pain, I am taking them during the days just for the energy.
Last night I barely slept and had many nightmares. It took all I had to not get up and take any meds. See, I won't take meds at night because I don't want to sleep through the high.
Yes, I have pain and the meds do help that. But, I am finding that I am taking meds when there is no pain. How can I stop when I know that I have pills waiting for me for a very long time. For some reason I go nuts if I know there was meds out there that I wasn't taking. I can not stand to have good meds just sit in a cabinet and possibly expire. I always tell myself that as soon as this bottle is gone that is IT! But it never is. I always find some way to get more. I am alone in this fight and for personal reasons MUST stay alone! I have only hit up one friend for meds, so no one has caught on. See I played that I was in pain and she offered them too me knowing that I have the herniated disk.
I just needed to talk and get this off my chest. It is killing me by holding it all inside. For some reason after I take a pill I justify it by saying to myself " Now I can clean the house and get things done, so this is in fact helping the family"
Detox is out of the question. It is more of a mental addiction then physical. I went through physical withdrawls many times I am trying to keep doses low enough where those won't be a problem. I am tired of sitting on the toliet shaking and sweating not knowing which end I will be losing things from. Bent over in pain, sweating and not knowing if I am going to pass out there are sit in misery. I do sometimes get the leg cramps when I try to cut back. You know the ones where you feel like you have walked a 100 mile marathon. i don't know why I even asked for the darvocet, I remember the withdrawls from it and they were horrible! I also remember times I think I overdosed where I was getting really tingly and butterflies, then severe agitation where I couldn't sit down and stay still. I know that I had taken more than I should have for the day. I don't want to get into the rut again. But on the other hand I know that there are 96 darvocet (took 2 this morning and 2 yesterdy evening) sitting in my cabinet. And 10 more refills of 120 Ultram out there.
Well, I better stop now. I can go on and on with this subject.
Last year I went the Dr. for a horrible pain in my neck and tingling in my arm. Found out there was a herniated disk. I was given Ultram. I liked it! Then it lost efectiveness and I started getting vicodin, but my Dr. was hesitant about giving to much of that, so he turned me to Darvocet. Well I have been managing for the last year now getting a refill each week. I want to stop, but can not mentally do it. I feel that if the hour that I take a dose passes and no dose is given I start sweating, and getting agitated. now if I am having a great time and I don't see the clock I don't notice. But as soon as I see that my dose hour passed I freak. My Dr. apparently wrote me a script for 120 ultram with a refill of 12! Problem is that my insurance won't let me get more than a 10 day supply at a time that is only 4 pills a day! I found that I can actually fill every 8 days. Well I started to stop slowly. Because I only had 6 pills left a 2 days till my next fill. The first day I managed to only take 2 pills all day. I found that I didn't have the cravings when I woke up. But I think that all the meds that I took the day before were still in me. Then yesterday I had only 4 pills left and I couldn't get more till today. I knew that the 4 pills wouldn't last. I found that I was very angry inside and didn't want to do ANYTHING! I am a stay at home mom of 3 kids. I called my Dr. and knowing that my last darvocet fill was 2 months ago I called to get another one.
Though I am only suppose to take 2 at night for pain, I am taking them during the days just for the energy.
Last night I barely slept and had many nightmares. It took all I had to not get up and take any meds. See, I won't take meds at night because I don't want to sleep through the high.
Yes, I have pain and the meds do help that. But, I am finding that I am taking meds when there is no pain. How can I stop when I know that I have pills waiting for me for a very long time. For some reason I go nuts if I know there was meds out there that I wasn't taking. I can not stand to have good meds just sit in a cabinet and possibly expire. I always tell myself that as soon as this bottle is gone that is IT! But it never is. I always find some way to get more. I am alone in this fight and for personal reasons MUST stay alone! I have only hit up one friend for meds, so no one has caught on. See I played that I was in pain and she offered them too me knowing that I have the herniated disk.
I just needed to talk and get this off my chest. It is killing me by holding it all inside. For some reason after I take a pill I justify it by saying to myself " Now I can clean the house and get things done, so this is in fact helping the family"
Detox is out of the question. It is more of a mental addiction then physical. I went through physical withdrawls many times I am trying to keep doses low enough where those won't be a problem. I am tired of sitting on the toliet shaking and sweating not knowing which end I will be losing things from. Bent over in pain, sweating and not knowing if I am going to pass out there are sit in misery. I do sometimes get the leg cramps when I try to cut back. You know the ones where you feel like you have walked a 100 mile marathon. i don't know why I even asked for the darvocet, I remember the withdrawls from it and they were horrible! I also remember times I think I overdosed where I was getting really tingly and butterflies, then severe agitation where I couldn't sit down and stay still. I know that I had taken more than I should have for the day. I don't want to get into the rut again. But on the other hand I know that there are 96 darvocet (took 2 this morning and 2 yesterdy evening) sitting in my cabinet. And 10 more refills of 120 Ultram out there.
Well, I better stop now. I can go on and on with this subject.
First of all, you must deal with the guilt factor that has kept you bottled up inside. This has no doubt contributed to the stress factors in your life, and it may even be the thing that is keeping you hooked. You're living in your own private wilderness where no one will hear you cry if you're too far deep. I ask you to come to the edge, and peek out.
Through all of this, I want you to remember one thing: Getting addicted to a drug IS a shame. It is not shameful. It happens. Even if you don't feel you can confide in your family because of embarrassment or whatever reason, you need to realize that they are not going to yell at you. The only yelling will be because they want you to get help, and that's because they love you.
You say you want to stop. DO IT. You need will power enough to keep yourself and your mind off the drug. How you do this is up to you. I think you should take a walk, escape to some place where you can think. You need to listen to yourself, and respect yourself. BELIEVE in yourself.
Even though you will go through the physical withdrawal, the mental can be much worse. I used to take karate, and whenever we'd be in an uncomfortable stance where our muscles were tired and on fire and we didn't think we could take much more of it, our instructor would say, "does it hurt?? does it? which hurts more, "THIS" or dropping a bowling ball on your foot. which hurts more?"
so when you're going through the cravings, the cramps, think about the light at the end of the tunnel. Think about the bowling ball. It's all about perspective. You need to keep your conscience in focus and go for it. Think of it as a challenge. I know that you WILL be better off without Ultram. I know that your family will be better off without Ultram. Do you?
Good luck. Believe me, honey. I know you can do it.
Hey M.
If your pain isn't too much too handle then you MUST QUIT. There isn't any question about it. I hate to have to take ANY DRUGS!!! If you take it ONLY because you are addicted then SHAME ON YOU,"IF" you don't take measures to stop. "BUT" if you are in severe pain as I am then you have to decide if there is even a logical way to stop or if it even makes sense to stop.
When it comes to pain relief,medical doctors are about as good as a dog catchers. They are 90% absolutely worse than worthless,they are harmful. They think first about themselves. Then way down the list they might think about your pain. But the cowards and/or uncaring MD's that they are,they think you can live with pain. They think 40 years of living with severe pain is far better than giving you the correct amount of pain meds to ease your pain and live with tolerated pain for 30 years. So at best some may give you just enough pain meds that always keep you just barely NOT able to tolerate your pain. But report looks like they are doing their jobs.
"BUT" 5 years later you have had it with the pain. You have taken enough pain meds to F@CK your spirit,mind and body because you just can't stand one more day of the pain you still have even with the poison pain meds MR MD has counted out to you. What he has done for 5 years is KEPT you in pain and from ENOUGH PAIN RELIEF to truly help. But he still has given you NOT ENOUGH PAIN MEDS to HELP YOU. THE RESULTS? 5 years of poison for NOTHING!!!!!! You still have taken the poison,but not enough to make it worth taking. MD's are worse than PIMPS. MD'S keeps their patients DOWN IN PAIN and gives you just a little taste of pain relief. Very tiny relief. Not nearly enough. If they would have given you enough to be able to cope with your pain,what a world of difference you would feel about life. Maybe hope,motivation,happiness,etc..which GREATLY helps you and everyone around you.
Thats my far better than any advice you will ever hear from 95% of all MD'S. If you are not in alot of pain,get off of it. It really is MUCH MUCH easier than you think ONCE you take the action. Addiction withdrawls aren't fun but they are extremely overrated. I know by direct experience and work in related field. I am in so much pain with these pr!cks as MD'S they are slowly killing me in a very slow undignify way.
They really truly could care less about my pain. If they felt it for one day what I go through everyday,they would be pumping themselves with morphine,percocet or whatever it took to get the pain under control. I hate Doctors for this,Ireally do. There is really no excuse for them.
Steve you are a real PR!CK. Many people commit suicide for MANY different reasons while ADDICTED. You have proven you can't read or understand. High school education it sounds like. You don't think I have been through the worse withdrawls known to MD'S. While I have a number of times. I was always told BY ex-addicts and MD'S I would be going through the worse withdrawls and it would be pure ugly HELL. I was the first time so worry about the withdrawls I was afraid to start it. But I said whatever happens,happens. Let me TELL YOU PUNK. You don't know sh!t. Truely you are a very weak person without knowledge. Just like to hear yourself pretend you know something. Most people STOPPING DRUGS DON'T KILL THEMSELVES WHILE THEY ARE STOPPING THE DRUGS. Almost EVERY one of those who kill themselves do it because they ARE AFRAID or think they can't stop because of BA$TARDS like you who try to scare them. Losers like you are not needed to help people here.
To you M. You can do it. But like I said before,starting the first step to recover is by far the hardest part. Don't listen to Steve try to discourage that all important first step. I am hear to tell you if you set your mind to it you will do it. And again,the withdrawls are super overrated. I am talking from qualified experience. It doesn't matter if Steve doubts it or not. I think he doubts life. He sounds like a sick person who wants you like him,weak. Be strong instead. You'll be better for it. After the withdrawls are over tell me if you think it was as hard as you thought it would be.
I am terrified of accidental overdose and that is the one thing that keeps me from taking too many. To touch on the suicide comment. I believe (and I may be wrong I never claim to be an MD) that people who consider suicide or those that try have a deeper problem other than drugs. I believe that the drugs are a cover up for a situation they do not want to or are not ready to face. Only when they stop the drugs and the withdrawls start the emotions of why they started them in the first place begin to rise and become worse than ever because those feelings are now there with physical