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memory

by susanlea, Jun 13, 2001 12:00AM
Tags: Addiction
Ok guys I need your help on this one! Most of you now of my ex's addiction to oxy's and now on uncontrolled amounts of methadone. My question is, can these pain killers affect your memory? He thinks he's been giving me over $3500 a month for the past 2 years. Number 1 he wasn't living with me 2 years ago. Number 2 he doesn't make that much, plus has child support of over $1200 a month. I figured out the average he gave me while living here was around $600 a month, plus when he was off work for 3 months because of his addiction, I paid his bills and child support, plus the house, car insurance and everything else. He says we were only together 2 years, we were together almost 6 years! He swears he's given me presents he never gave me.  I really don't know what to make of all this, he's telling me again, his addiction had nothing to do with our problems, that it was all my fault. Gosh, this is getting weirder all the time, he called me the other night asking me to get somethings for him to wire some intakes at his parents house. He already has all this stuff, he moved it to his parents house 6 months ago. I asked him if he wanted to talk to me, he said he had to think about it. He'll  call, but not talk, nothing specific. Came by the other day, said he wanted to see the dog, and just hung around. Am I the one losing it here!? Or have all the drugs over the past 25 years affected the way he thinks? Thanks guys, I really don't understand where he's coming from.....Love Susan
Member Comments (52)

by Wizard, Jun 13, 2001 12:00AM
To: Lea
Susan, drugs would definantly affect ones thinking proccesses, but remember he COULD have selective memory also.when we addicts are using and really hurting we will say and do anything to feed our habit. It is not uncommon to have period blackouts also. If he's under the influence while you are having these conversations anything could be going through his head. Above all, I don't think you are the one losing it. Keeping you in my prayers,

Power & Magick 2 U,

Peace & Light on us all,

Wizard

by susanlea, Jun 13, 2001 12:00AM
To: wizard
Thank you Wiz. Sometimes I do feel like it's me losing it. It's been just about 3 months since he left. The boys and I are ok it just feels strange after all these years. I found out a couple of weeks ago he was using oxy's along with the methadone. I also heard that he was no closer to weaning off the methadone than he was 3 months ago, of course he denies everything. Funny thing is the nurse at his Dr.s office told me. I don't know why he feels he needs to lie to me. I almost get the feeling he went away to try and get himself together. He left just about everything he owns here, and has made no attempt to get it. He has been calling lately every couple of days are so. He's worried I'm going to run off and get married. I don't know why he's so worried about that. I'm 43 and I'm not even dating anyone, I need time before I would see anyone else. He just seems a little paranoid about things. And his favorite thing to say is "I don't know". I have never seen anyone in such a state of confusion. When we met he was just doing drugs once in awhile recreationally, maybe once amonth. I just can't figure out how all this happened. He was such a great man. I pray he will be alright. I pray he will not die. I pray that he'll get it together. Time will tell.....Love Susan

by Wizard, Jun 13, 2001 12:00AM
To: Lea
Susan, I really feel bad about the situation you have. Being on the outside looking in I probably have a different perspective than you do because I have no emotional attachment. Have you confronted him with your knowledge? You KNOW addicts that are using can be the most convincing liars. I just would hate to see you fall for it again after you said you were starting to miss him less and less. ( I hope I have the right story here) If he was really making the effort to detox and I mean by getting in a program for real then I would feel better about you trying to salvage the relationship, but it appears that he is just hanging on as long as you enable him too. I hope you don't think me cold, I'm just trying to be realistic. Doesn't mean I'm right, just my opinion Susan. I pray for you and your family daily and will continue to pray that you can see through the fog if there is any. You must do what's right for you and the children. Above all things THE CHILDREN! That IS the most important thing. Again MY opinion. May Gods Peace be with you Susan. You are in my heart and prayers.

You ARE alright for sure! :-)

Power & Magick 2 U,

luv,

Wiz

by J.B. to Brian and Vicky, Jun 13, 2001 12:00AM
To: Lea
The key part of your post is that he blames you for everything. That's manipulation to the N'th degree. We addicts are not good con men, we are marvelous! If and when you get fed up with all of his "crazy making", talk to someone in ALANON.



I've met some of these people and they scare the Hell out of me! They have a way of cutting an addict to the bone and exposing them to reality(and improving the memory)bigtime. J.B.

by susanlea, Jun 13, 2001 12:00AM
To: Jb § Wiz
You both are right! I should know better after all the lies, the verbal and emotional abuse, the stealing of my pain meds. I don't believe he's hanging on to me because he cares, I believe it's because he literaly has no one else. Unfortunately, I have a tendency to forgive. JB, thank you. I am in Al-anon, I have learned a great deal, but can always learn more. I just want to believe him. After detox last year I really believed it would be ok. He was only in 5 days, 6 weeks of meetings. After relapsing, he blew his sponser and the meetings off. He refuses any help. He wants no sponser, no meetings no rehab. He says he can do this on his own. Too bad his Dr. keeps giving him methadone every week. I have heard that addicts try several times to get off of the stuff. Then relapse. Until they really want to quit. But his memory really bothers me. He gets everything mixed up, time, place and content. Sometimes it's alittle freaky because he seems to really believe what he says. Thanks guys, Love Susan

by cindi, Jun 13, 2001 12:00AM
To: Lea
AWW Susan,  I feel so bad for you and your situation...however I do agree with both JB and Wizard....about your ex being under the influence and not thinking straight, the selective hearing etc....and of course the famous I'll turn everything around and put the blame of someone else..and they both are right about us addicts being marvelous cons.....and manipulators...when I was sponsoring people and I knew they were not being honest I used to tell them, "you can't con a con....my grandpa used to go to AA and take my gramma  and he would tell everyone there he did not have the problem,,,my gramma did      I liked what Wiz said about enabling....please hon,,,,you are torturing yourself...talk to someone  go to alanon.....you are in my prayers and thoughts     love to all   cindi

by Milo, Jun 13, 2001 12:00AM
To: lea
Lea, you've already gotten better advice than I could ever give. Stay strong, and listen to what your heart tells you. Not the romantic heart, but the heart of wisdom and self-knowledge.  I don't want to try to tell you what the right answer is -- but I have confidence that 1) you already know the answer, and 2) you'll be wise & firm in making the choices you face. May you find peace in your life soon -- Milo

by Thomas, Jun 13, 2001 12:00AM
To: lea
Hi lea, my good friend,

You know, we've talked about all this in one form or another before. If you were on oxy and an "uncontrolled quantity of methadone," what kind of shape would you expect your mind to be in? I don't know how else to say it. This man is on self-destruct. The only question is, is he going to have company while he progresively deteriorates and destroys everything in his life? Don't fall for this guys lame excuses to "see the dog." Give me a break. If life means anything at all to you, save yourself, please. Lock him out of your life FOREVER. In the final outcome, he doesn't really care if he continues to know you or not, and I think you know that.



Love,





Thomas

by Kerrie, Jun 14, 2001 12:00AM
To: Lea
Hi Lea,

   I know I can't add anyhting more than what's been said. But this sounds so much like my daughter. She manipulates me with promises all the time. But I'm getting strongerand wiser thanks to my friends here. She can be an angel when she wants something.She tells me everything I want to hear. But the bottom line is ,she's sick and she's lying. I want her to go to AA or some kind of help program. But she hasn't made a move yet since she saw her probation officer and got out of that problem.

   I can't shut her out of my life Lea,but I'm learning to say no. Now I tell her" don't tell me, show me".

   Forgiving him is right Lea. Like Jesus said " Seven times seventy". But that doesn't mean take him back and let him hurt you and use you. He's sick. But he needs to do something about it and untill he does, the lies will keep coming. I know what you mean about him believing his own stories. My daughter does that. Then she can't remember the things she says and does. I'm in belief that is conveniant amnesia a lot of the time.

   Stay strong and keep him out of your life. You've come a long way. You can do it.

     Your in my prayers,

        Kerrie

by susanlea, Jun 14, 2001 12:00AM
To: Milo, J.B.,Wizard,Thomas, Cindi § Kerri
I guess I just needed to hear it from someone else. I know I hold on to the idea that things could work out, he'll get help; he'll get straight. I know unless he works a program, he never will. I really appreciate each and everyone of you, for your support and honesty. My kids and I have been doing well, life has taken on new meaning. I can sit in the back yard, watch the kids, the dogs, and nature and actually notice everything around me, how great it is. For 2 years my life was so wrapped up with his addiction and his actions, I don't think I ever really saw what was happening at the time. I don't have any problems sleeping, eating, working. In fact my production at work has really increased. I'm in telecommunications sales for a major cable co. and WOW! I'm making all kinds of money since he left. My focus has been on my job, not so much him. My children are much happier. People tell me I look much happier and healthier. I didn't realize how my health was suffering while I was obsessing about his life. I will be ok, I think I'm strong enough to do this. I have told him in the past, no program, no rehab, no sponser, no relationship. I don't want to mislead you, he has never said a word to me about getting back together, he just calls, and comes by infrequently. I know I need to get him to come get all his things, so I can finally have closure. It feels like maybe he just went away for awhile, to get his act together as he says, then come back, after making me feel like it was all my fault. I think he wants me to ask him to come back. No way! I just want him to get off this kick, about worrying I'm going to marry someone and ruin my life. First you have to meet someone you like, before that could happen. I hope I don't sound conceited when I say this but I'm nowhere near ugly as he says. I'm 43 but book 33. I'm 5'9 125lbs, toned, long blond hair, I've beem told I look a little like a young Morgan Fairchilde. But he views me as being old and ugley, unapealing, and I believed in for awhile. I has no self esteem left. I'm financially good. I have a nice home on an acre. I have a nice car, I'm doing very well for a single mom. He lives with his mom and dad, no real money. I gave him a fairly new vehicle. He looks like he's 5o, out of shape, long, long hair which he's losing and turning gray. He's now alittle over weight. He has very bad skin. He is a little scary looking at first. He's part Asian, part black. He looks like a heavy metal musican. We look like night and day. But he was a great man, he used to be kind to me and my kids. I really thought we would have a life together. I really loved him. But addiction has it's way of ruining everybodies lives. Thanks again for listening to my obsessions, and my Only If's. I don't mean to sound self-pitying or a victim. I realize I did this to myself. He had no power over me, except what I gave him. You guys will keep me right........Thanks for being my friends....Susan

by J.B. to Brian and Vicky, Jun 14, 2001 12:00AM
To: Lea
I'm sorry about my Alanon advice. I didn't know you have already been seeking their help. Stay on course the best you can during these trying times. I just want to let you know that my wife never gave up on me, though we went our separate ways several times. I was a class act ******* for the better part of our marriage but have changed my ways. Deep down, I always knew that I was the "bad guy"...and it showed! Today I am trying to make amends by being good, which was my promise to her. I think that she has forgiven me for my past sins...but her memory is uncanny! Whatever happens is God's will, not your's if you believe in the 12 step programs. Just do what's best for you first and the rest will fall into line eventually, by God!



I wish that I could be more helpful but my liver is giving me fits today and I can't stay focused.  J.B.







by cindi, Jun 14, 2001 12:00AM
To: Lea
Hi Hon,,,,I am so very sorry for all you are going through...love... a very difficult and painful thing sometimes...and very sad as well..Like Jb said above  what happens is God's will....it is very hard sometimes to turn our lives and will over to the care of God..as you know him....I have no words of wisdom,  no great words of comfort but, I do however have words for you from one woman to another,  one that is so deeply in love with a man that it scares me at times....I can honestly though tell you what I would do to protect my self and my children,,,my kids especially.....just because you deeply love this man   you are under no obligation to subject yourself to his addiction,,,the verbal abuse, the manipulation and lies etc....one day hon, you will realize this,,,and you will, through the grace of God be able to severe all ties with this guy,,,,this takes time,,,,when a relationship ends, we must mourn it like a death....grieve for it and then get on with life....cut him off,   no contact, none at all...but this will all happen in time,,when you no longer can take the pain, etc...I think I have talked to you before about the grieving process and it is applicable to raltionships as wel...My thoughts and prayers are with you     love to all      cindi

by Thomas, Jun 14, 2001 12:00AM
To: lea
don't wait for him to come get his things. Box'em up and have them shipped to his parent's house. Get rid of this flea for good!





all the best,



Thomas

by Kerrie, Jun 15, 2001 12:00AM
To: Lea
Hi Lea. Nice to hear you sounding more positive. Hey you sound beautiful. The fact that he aint to purty just shows it's the beauty on the inside you see. Keep looking. The right man is out there. But like J.B. and Cindi said ,God is important and my life  was going nowhere without Him. Make Him Mr. Perfect because  He is the only perfection there is. But you know that already. But He can put someone in your life that will be good to and for you and your children. But I believe the 12 step program J.B. mentioned will make you strong in many ways. First, give yourself a chance to heal from this relationship. Mr Right is out there and from your description of yourself I don't think you have to worry about it. But it's your inner beauty that I can tell you have that's the best. Hang in there. Your in my prayers.

    God Bless,

        Kerrie  (PS) I would describe myself but I know too much laughter can cause pain !!!!

by Milo, Jun 15, 2001 12:00AM
To: Kerrie § lea
"Too much laughter can cause pain" ...Kerrie, you are a hoot! Thanks for a much-needed laugh this A.M. (And I'm sure what you say about yourself isn't really true!)

lea -- Above all, don't let anybody's lies or judgments distort your sense of who you really are, physically, emotionally, or otherwise. As they say, "consider the source." No one who would constantly tell someone else how ugly/fat/undesirable/etc. they are is worth listening to anyway! Stay strong. Blessings -- Milo

by Kerrie