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MedHelp Member's Question

Help! I've Become the Drug Police

by CASEY, Jul 17, 2001 12:00AM
My son has been using heroin for about two years. He detoxed about a month ago in the hospital but refused to go to rehab. I am trying to stay out of his business but he is financially dependent on me so I am paranoid about being taken advantage of or inadvertently supporting his habit. He does not live at home and my support of him is only for food and a roof over his head. I find myself hyper vigilant and suspicious. I want to let go and just enjoy him rather than have our whole relationship revolve around whether or not he is using. He might very well be clean but the trust is so eroded that I am having a hard time getting past it. I do attend alanon meetings which are very helpful but I keep getting sucked into this "drug police" state of mind. He is mentally unstable, hence, the support for basics. I need some pearls of wisdom to remind me what our relationship is about. It has got to be more than drugs. How can I start seeing him as a person rather than this objectified addict? Thanks, you have always come through for me in the past.
Member Comments (97)

by Milo, Jul 17, 2001 12:00AM
To: 1021
Hi, I don't know if this will help, but here's what your question brought to my mind...When my parents suspected that I was "popping pills," my mother conveyed their concern to me  but didn't press the issue. I denied it -- I wasn't ready to face and deal with it at the time. But knowing they were aware & concerned made a difference. It made me more conscious of what I was actually doing, & helped me realize I needed to change. The subject hasn't come up again, and we talk about normal, everyday things.

On the other hand, some other folks who suspected the same thing were confrontational about it -- sort of a mini-intervention, if you will. Well, I completely freaked out. Again I denied everything. They tried to pressure me into "confessing," which only made me feel more shamed & defensive. That experience probably helped me realize I needed to clean up my act, but it also alienated me from those people as far as this issue is concerned. I can't imagine ever sharing anything about my problems with them.

There are big differences in your situation and mine -- and I'm not sure myself what "message" someone might take away after reading what I've written. I have no children, so my outlook is limited. I just told it as I experienced it, & I hope it may be helpful in some way. Good luck in handling what I know is a heart-wrenching struggle for you. -- Milo

by CASEY, Jul 17, 2001 12:00AM
To: Milo
Milo, I tend to feel that your parents approach is the one that is best for me and my son. He is filled with guilt and shame and I don't  want to reinforce that feeling. I want him to feel strong enough and empowered to take charge of his life. That is why I feel so badly when I put him in a defensive position. It ruins our relationship and causes him to go underground, not change. Thanks

by The Dude, Jul 17, 2001 12:00AM
To: 1021
You need to remain there for him no matter what.  Money and finances are only material.  This person is your son and will always be that, your son.  Drug Addiction is a disease that affects millions of people.  It doesn't matter that he is dependent on you, if my child were 40 years old, had a house, car, family and a job, but was addicted to heroin; you can bet your ass I'd step in and do something about it.  Just don't subject yourself to any kind of denial, always suspect him of doing drugs, as that will be on your mind till the day you die.  NEVER EVER THINK HE IS CLEAN. Even though he might be and shows signs of being the cleanest person on earth, you will always have to know that he is and will always be an addict, not just your son.

by Milo, Jul 17, 2001 12:00AM
To: 1021
Another thought occurred to me as I read this thread...I think the single most important thing for me to realize during all of this was that my parents would always love me and accept me, be there for me, regardless of any drug problem. This didn't make me think it was OK to continue taking drugs; actually, it made me want to stop, more than anything else. I don't know what the best way is to convey that message to your son, but I think you can do it without approving or supporting a dangerous habit.

In contrast, I unfortunately lost a close friendship with someone who could not deal with my problem. The messages I took away from that experience are not to be open/honest with people; not to trust people easily; and that I could do something "so bad" (even if I harmed only myself) that I would be utterly rejected for it. (I know that these may not be completely rational & objective interpretations of the experience, but those are my feelings.) It sounds like you very much want to keep a good relationship with your son, and I'm sure, whatever has happened, part of him realizes that and is grateful. -- Milo

by J.B. to Brian and Vicky, Jul 17, 2001 12:00AM
To: 1021
You should always keep in mind that you and he are dealing with a disease here.  Like a cancer, the disease will run it's course know matter how vigilant and untrusting you become. Trust in God, my friend! Be strong and take care of yourself.  J.B.

by wren, Jul 18, 2001 12:00AM
I have been a ghost to this site for about two months. I love hydrocodone and am having a hard time dealing with the reasoning behind "you have to quit". Why not continue doing these as long as I like? I WANT to take these pills - why can't I? I guess for starters it is because it is illegal, another reason is because from what I have read, the disease progresses until it is not longer controllable and my life becomes a train wreck. Can anyone comment on what I need to start thinking to help me get clean. I take 1-2 lortabs a day but I am dealing with a lot of anger at the thought of me having to stop - a lot of anger.

Thanks and I have the utmost respect for all of you guys that post on this board.

Wren

by Wizard, Jul 18, 2001 12:00AM
To: Wren,Milo,J.B.,Dude
If you read your own post I think you've answered some of your own questions. Why have you been coming here for two months? Could it be that in the back of your mind you feel the Hydro has taking over you? Sounds like an all to familiar story to me Wren. All of us addicts at one time or another feel we LOVE what were taking, even if it's just for the few warm moments of the "Dragon" kicking into our system......It's the aftermath that we don't like. Of course I used to tell myself I wasn't addicted unless I ran out of my "Dragon". Well I AM, and I DID and I like life a lot better without it personally. You don't HAVE to do anything but I feel that somehow you WANT to do something or you wouldn't have come searching here in the first place. Continue reading our stories and decide if you have to do anything friend. If you decide you do then we are here for you!

Milo,J.B., Dude Good day to you. The above advice was right on the money that you gave to the first poster. I couldn't add a thing except to back up what you said. Wren, I'll be keeping you in my prayers!

Power & Magick 2 U,

Peace & Light on us all,

Wizard

by CASEY, Jul 18, 2001 12:00AM
I am 1021's son. I am in the same boat as Wren. Intellectually, I know heroin is not reasonable but it is the only thing that has freed me from the pain of depression my whole life. If I am only hurting myself, don't I have the right?

Remind me why I need to quit. I am stuck and feel like I am ruined for life. I am only 19 and am now injecting into my neck because my veins are gone. You guys have been there. Help me get it clear. thanks.

by cindi, Jul 18, 2001 12:00AM
To: Wren and 1021's son
You guys can keep on using if you want to...no one can tell you that you need to sotp..not the police, not a judge not your docs...not me...you can keep on using for as long as you can...but...please keep this in mind....using carries consequences.....whether it be legal or physical or any other consequence it happens....1021's son,,you have no veins,,,how old are you?  19?  well, buying the heroine is illegal but I have a funny feeling that death may catch up to you before the cops do...how sad....I know the both of you will not stop using until something has really opened your eyes...I didn't stop shooting myself full of drugs until the hospital where I worked gave me an ultimatum   get help or go to jail.....I "CRAWLED" into that treament center..and i was still not ready to quit....but something happened,,,i don't know what but i suppose it was the fact that i was at the bottom looking up..i had now where to go except up...through either death or recovery...I took recovery.... at 19 your body is so used and abused..if you make it until you are 21 how will your body be then?  what I am about to tell  you is ugly..and I may be overstepping my boundaries here but I don't care....If I get blasted so be it....I have been a nurse for 20 years...I have taken care of several drug overdoses over those years,,,but one in particular has stayed with me....and it has even haunted me at night.  I had a young man,,,your age  maybe a year younger....addicted to heroin...one night he came through ER...he was just about gone...a true Overdose....he pulled through...barely...they had to put him on a ventilator...to breath for him....and catheter to drain his bladder and a special IV they had to literally cut him open to putin because he had no veins....a tube down his throat...into his stomach...and I had the honors of calling his parents....and meeting them at the door...I had to  be there to pick up the pieces after the doc talked to them,,mom, fainted,,,dad was devastated...he nver regained cosciousness for the most part..they ended up doing a trach on him   a permanent hole in his neck hooked up to a machine to help him breath,  a holein his stomach to feed him through and of course the catheter is now permanent...he has no bowel control...he stares into space....virtually in a coma...a special bed so he does not get big open sores all over his body from not being able to get up and do things that a normal young man does,,,this young man will never do anything agin...he will never have sex, get married, raise kids, hug his parents, go to college, get a job,,use a computer...he will never go to a concert or drive a car agin...what a waste....so,  yes,,you can go on using,,,as you say it is your right....or is it?  i have 2 kids...I could not stand to watch them destroy themselves with the dragon....and I would give them the same lecture i give to all kids...I work with kids for a living now...I love people but kids,,,young people like yu with such a future...please don't throw it away,,have you tried conseling for your depression?  anti depressants?   I only hope the both of you....see the light before you see the darkness  please,  forgive me for rambling but this kind of stuff triggers alot of pain for me and I can help just one yong person to not make such grave mistakes..I can close my eyes at night and at least know i tried  love t all    cin

by Wizard, Jul 18, 2001 12:00AM
To: 1021, Wren
How could I possibly follow Cin's post? It says it all from start to finish in a few paragraphs. For God's sake friends, don't do it for any other reason but to LIVE a FULL LONG LIFE for yourselves. Right now the "DRAGON" is your respirator. Sucking what little life forces you have left till it moves on to sucking the happiness and the will to go on that's left. When the "Dragon" has nothing left to feed on and goes in search of more prey, it makes sure it sucks away the heart and dreams of the parents and loved ones of it's last victim.......leaving it's trail of brokeness and sorrow as it roars and gloats on his victory. You see, the "Dragon" never starves because there are so many victims such as yourself just lining up to feed it.....You see, most of us have been there, done that, seen that....we've just got lucky and found a proverbial Knight in shining armor here to help us keep the "Dragon" at bay. As I said to Wren above, if you feel all is well and want to continue then ask yourselves, why you came here in the first place? Really? Deep down inside really? We love you both either way and will be here for the support if you reach for it. God Be with you both and may you each have an Angel on your shoulders...I'll keep you in my prayers.

Power & Magick 2 U both,

Peace and Light on us all,

Wizard

by jennyfla, Jul 18, 2001 12:00AM
To: wren and 1021's son
Wren, i think that you know down in your heart that you are going to have to stop eventually.  I also think that you realize that it is only going to get worse as time goes by, and i think that scares you to death, and you don't like that (hence the anger).  You are angry at the thought that something is going to eventually stand in the way of your using, and you can't deal with that.  It's hard without having the tools to work with, just like anything is hard to fix without the proper tools.  As i hope and i think you know, your life will only continue to get worse and worse before you accept the fact that you need help to get through this.  I hope it is your decision and not one that you are forced into because of problems with the law.  You've taken a very critical step by posting on this forum, please continue to ask these questions, and ask yourself what is it you really want out of your life.  Start to become more knowledge about this evil you are messing around with, you will find that there is an entire different side to the subject of addiction.  Keep coming back to talk to us, we are here for you.



Now, 1021's son.  Please please please find some help for yourself before it is too late.  You are far too young to give up hope, you have so many things out there left to do, and to explore and enjoy!  You need some serious counseling and rehabilitation, and you owe it to yourself to at least take one step towards it, and find out what's it's all about.  If you decide that's not for you, then that's your choice, but at least give it a try, you might be very surprised as to what you will find, maybe a sense of peace that you are not trapped, that you are not alone, that there is hope!  You owe it to your mom at least to look into it, let her help you!  We're hear for you to listen, and it's not as hopeless as you think it is, believe me!

Good luck you two.

Jenny

by skipper, Jul 18, 2001 12:00AM
To: Wren § 1021's son
I went from the age of fourteen to 33 using any opiate i could get

my hands on any way.I've been locked up, shot at, stood before the

judge, & left out in the cold for my "love" of junk. All the years

of heroine & pain killing opiate abuse and i never once gave a thought about what I'ld do if I ever really NEEDED an opiate pain

killer! 'course i never really thought I'ld live past 40. at the

age of 43 im realized it was just one more thing in  my life i'ld

****** up- living past 40. I'm now 50 in constant pain, walking a

razor blade, learning how to strike a ballence. the 2 of you are

probably "in the club" of addiction. Someday you may actually need

an opiate pain killer, what will you do then?

hard learned facts from another old junky who has been there

hope you live to see 50. I hope both of you wise up quick.

life is short, & even shorter for a junky--times running out



kip