Question Title: Spoiled Rotten

what is the best response I could give to my one year old daughter when she throws what I call a tantrum? For instance the other day we we're outside and when I insisted that she come in she kicked and bucked and screamed like I was cutting out her liver for a good 5 minutes. In a way, I kinda admire her resistance to authority, but for God's sake shouldn't she be a little less independent at this age?
She spends a great deal of time with her grandparents who spoil her rotten. If she wants to play in the toilet they let her. I'm all for an anti-authoritarian approach, but come on.
So what is the best recourse in this situation? when she kicks and bucks should I lay her on the ground and let her go at it? Walk away, hold her? I don't know what is really age and tempermant appropriate.
Thanks........

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Dear Heather,

As children learn to walk, and thus become more mobile, they encounter more and more situations when the 'real world' interferes with their wishes and desires. In short, they can't always have what they want. This at times results in frustration and anger, and at a very young age it is quite easy for children to be overwhelmed by these feelings and to dissolve in to the kind of tantrum you described in your note. This is a necessary part of development - people's wants and needs are sometimes going to be denied, and everyone needs to learn 'how to take no for an answer'. Your daughter's frustration tolerance will improve as she develops - it's one of the developmental tasks of the pre-school years. Parents (and parent surrogates, like her grandparents) help in this process by setting reasonable limits and adhering to them, even in the face of the child's opposition, anger, frustration, etc. Tantrums are best managed by basically ignoring them, if possible. Sometimes it's necessary to move the child to a safe and quiet place, but holding or restrant during tantrums is not necessary unless the child is hurting herself or others.
Re: grandparents, they have the luxury of 'spoiling' their grandchildren if they see them only occasionally. But when grandparents serve literally as surrogate parents, they are acting in your place and don't serve your daughter well by failing to set reasonable limits and by failing to say 'No' when it is the sensible thing to do. When parents or parent surrogates do not set reasonable limits, they unwittingly convey to the child that 'you can have what you want when you want it'. This, of course, is not a way to learn about the real world and makes it much more difficult for the child to learn how to manage a normal degree of frustration and anger that can accompany denial of wishes.

This information is provided for purposes of general medical education. Please consult your health care providers for diagnostic and treatment options that pertain to your specific medical condition or situation.

*Keyword: tantrums, limit setting

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