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Maternal & Child Community
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Bad child getting worse.....
by nygrl72, Mar 05, 2003 12:00AM
My daughter was the most perfect behaved infant. She was also fine until the age of 2. She is now 3 1/2 and getting worse every day. She beats up children in her day care (punches, kicks & hits). At home she is mean to her 6 pound toy poodle. She throws her cat and beat on her regularly. When she is told to stop she refuses. When she is sent to time out she get up. When I spank her, she cries & continues with the same bad behavior. In the past I have been on drugs to deal with her (zoloft, wellbutrin, the list goes on). She has problems and I need help. Her father is not part of her life and never has been. Currently he is deployed with the U S Army, in Iraq. When we go out to the mall or grocery store I have to just walk out. She wants everything. I'm on a limited income and can not afford every Barney tape they've ever made!!!! Please help.. Debra from NC
it be mentally, emotionally or chemically. Definitely get her some medical help. When children are angry or sad about things
they have a hard time expressing there feelings. Especially if they are afraid. How is her relationship with other people such as family members, friends, neighbors, etc, etc? You have tackled the first obstacle and that was to realize that your child has a problem. Keep and open mind and some good common sense. She isn't a bad child, she's growing up.
I wish you the best and commend you for seeking help for you and your child.
Katieann
I have seen a news documentary (might have been 60 Minutes) about children with very violent misbehavior--to the point of one little boy (4 yrs old) pulling a knife on his mother. They did a documentary about it because this seems to be an increasing phenomenon, and the parents and other (normal) siblings were just about at their wits' end looking for help. Some of these kids responded positively to a very structured, routine, predictable environment, where discipline and consequences were regularly and consistently enforced. The parents all commented on how incredibly time consuming and draining it was for them to establish that sort of environment at first, but that they started to notice some improvement after that. Maybe there's a specialist in your area who has experience with this.
You have good instincts as a mother--if you feel someone's diagnosis is missing the mark, go get another opinion. Also, you might consider keeping the pets out of her way or temporarily with a friend until her behavior becomes less violent. Good luck and I hope you're able to find some help and support.
I worked a great deal and did not spend much 'quality' time with her -- that means undivided attention to her, listening, caring about her openly, not just sitting in the same room watching TV of course. She behaved so badly sometimes, despite timeouts and me sometimes breaking down and stomping out to cry somewhere lest I harm her in my frustrated rage, that I seriously thought she was just severely emotionally screwed up due to her father and I's breakup (though it was kind and gentle compared to most) and I even wondered if I should let him raise her, I had such a hard time.
But when I arranged my schedule to have regular time to spend with her every night, things changed. Not right away of course. But she literally 'blossomed' under my attention. Granted, time with me became a hinge for behavior, but I made a point not to 'keep me from her' for more than say 15 minutes, 30 at the most on a weekend, as I had a feeling that was the main thing needed. That turned out to be the only thing that really motivated her to stop acting out so much. When she stopped feeling frantic about not having me and enraged about it as well, when she could depend on me being 'there for her' and not just physically, she really did improve.
I might mention one other thing. I was an emotional mess when her primary behavior problems began, and a wimp about dealing with it, as I had such massive job stress and financial worries and emotional after-effects from my marriage that frankly, I just did feel UP TO the job of dealing with her. I'm convinced in retrospect that she was taking on and acting out a lot of stuff for me.
Forcing myself to sleep regularly, eat well and regularly, spend at least a little time on myself every day, and discipline myself to a positive outlook (that takes real work, 100 times a day), not only had a major effect on her, but on me as well. She improved, but I did too. Now I look back and see that I overreacted as much as she did and probably helped create that cycle. Since then, I think we met in the middle somewhere.
Now she is six. She is what I'd figure is a typical six year old, behavior-wise. She has learned to be demanding of my time if I don't voluntarily share it, as I get involved in programming and space out the world. She's generally smart and creative and happy and doesn't have any more issues in school or with other kids than other children her age do. And at home, we have a really loving relationship I feel wonderfully glad for.
I don't know that my experience is of any value to you. But it's been my observation that it's impossible for any person to have a healthy relationship with another person if they are not healthy themselves in that area--whether a child, a mate, a boss, anybody. Toddlers are probably the biggest strain on a woman there is (short of hosting a war in her living room), and the fact is, they DO require resources of energy, emotional flexibility, immense patience, and more.
I think if you put a serious focus on improving your own personal health, you will have a lot more strength of mind and heart from which to make good decisions about your child.
I hope whoever posted that about ritalin doesn't have any kids. Sheesh.
PJ