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Mental Health (Expert Forum)
how to cope
Answered by
Roger Gould, M.D. - Mental Health, Wellness
Questions posted in the Mental Health forum are being answered by Dr. Roger L. Gould, author of the Mastering Stress and Depression program and affiliated with the UCLA. Department of Psychiatry. Topics covered include anger, attention deficit disorder (ADD), bipolar disorder, dementia, electroconvulsive therapy (ECT), learning disabilities, memory, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), panic, personality disorders, phobias, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), schizophrenia, stress, transitions, and work problems.
how to cope
by smurf, Apr 04, 2002 12:00AM
Today is the 5th anniversary of my daughters death. She was born premature. I have not been able to get pregnant again. -Lots of chronic medical problems. One of which is infertility. I've tried treatment no luck and to stressful. Trouble is I can't seem to get past it. It complicated by the fact I had an abortion 18 years ago due to a rape. now I feel like I killed my chance at a family. I have been hopitalized twice for treatment of depression and I see myself spiraling that way again.
I can't eat.I've lost weight. but mostly I feel so empty. I don't want to do anything. I feel like such a burden to my family and husband becasue of my other med. problems. and I feel like a failure as a wife. The hurt hasn't lessened as time has passed. i feel the same today as I did 5 years ago. I have s pshyciatrist, I am on Zoloft. I don't know what else to do to try and cope. I am so tired of feeling like this. How can I get over my grief/guilt.
I can't eat.I've lost weight. but mostly I feel so empty. I don't want to do anything. I feel like such a burden to my family and husband becasue of my other med. problems. and I feel like a failure as a wife. The hurt hasn't lessened as time has passed. i feel the same today as I did 5 years ago. I have s pshyciatrist, I am on Zoloft. I don't know what else to do to try and cope. I am so tired of feeling like this. How can I get over my grief/guilt.
Doctor's Answer
by Roger Gould, M.D., Apr 05, 2002 12:00AM
, Apr 05, 2002 12:00AM
Its a complicated answer, but let me try a simple version. People get over their grief only when they really accept the loss on the deepest level. You seemed to be caught on a deep level, but not quite all the way. That is, I detect that you are living with regret as if that was the last chance to have a successful life...so you are still lingering in some kind of confused hope/regret space. When you fully accept the loss, you are released to make your current like work better than it is because you acknowledge life in its fullest mystery and complexity, and know, on a deep level, that you must go on, and that you can make your life work.
Work with your psychiatrist on that..If you want a boost, go to my masteringstress program( link above) and start working to make your life work.
Work with your psychiatrist on that..If you want a boost, go to my masteringstress program( link above) and start working to make your life work.
I truly understand the feeling like an inadequate wife, and the failure in general that you feel. I too feel that way alot. I wish I could say I know how you feel about the loss of your child, but I can't. I mean I know what it felt to me to lose a child and I can share that with you, but your situation is diffrent from mine and everyone grieves diffrently so I will not pretend to know how you feel becuaser I cannot possibly.
I still mourn my little girl as if she died yesterday. People ask me how many kids I have and I tell them 4 even though 3 are living. Yes I was very blessed to have the children that I have so again cannot relate, but it took me many years to get pregnant with my 3 boys and it was heartache the whole way, wondering if I would carry to term. If the same thing that happened to my daughter would happen to them/me.
I am so sorry for your loss, but please do know that you are not alone. First and formost I have Jesus in my life to help me cope and I too have a therapist and med. dr. You can never forget a child living or deceased, but you can remember them as they were. Wither you had 2 sec. or 2 decades with them. You can still remember them. I talk to my little girl everyday in my prayers and that helps. I also write poetry about/to her. Maybe not for anyone else to see, but for me. It's a release of emotion for me. Maybe it would help you. It doesnt have to rhyme or match. Just write what you feel. I guarentee that you will feel some sort of relief.
I will pray for you whoever you are that your heart may be consoled with the love of God. And that he may put you at peace with you despair. There is a verse in the bible that says " I can do all things through Christ who lives in me". You know that very verse got me through a whole lot. Maybe it will help you. Maybe you are not a religious person, I dont know, I just know what has helped me. And at times of deep despair such as yours, I grabbed at anything, and Jesus is what I ended up with. I hope I have not offened you. Please take care and know that you are in my prayers and thought of.
Sincerely,
Smokeater
it. reviews should be done with your doctor more regularly until you feel releif and normalcy (yeah, what is that?). my heart goes out to you, and I wish you the best, as I too, have experience with loss and deal with depression. We are still in an age where antidepressants are constantly being improved. I am 31 years old, and have not tried to get pregnant, but I long to very much so. My fear is that I shall never have the joy in knowing what it is like, and i wonder if my abortion is a cause. DO NOT GIVE UP; I don't have the cure, or the answers, but I too, like many others out there care and wish you the best. My prayers are with you. ( I thought the reply from the previous person was so touching; I was intimidated to write a reply after something that heartfelt and sensitive. Good luck!
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Feel free to email me and let me know how you are or if you just want someone to listen. Hope you have a wonderful day, and God Bless!
Smokeater
God would never punish his children in that way, any more than I would do that to my own children. That put it in better perspective. I will always have remorse, but he suggested to me that I should take care of those I do have and love them as best I can. Not perfect, as best I can. Over the years, I have been able to believe that there is a better place beyond, and it has helped me in dealing with the loss of loved ones, none of us are meant to be here forever, and some less than others, and that is just the way of it. Acceptance is a difficult thing, because we have very human emotions of grief and loss. I think at this point, you have to find the one most important thing to deal with, and that is your depression, because until that is under control, you won't be able to see these other issues in a more realistic light. Be persistent with your doctors about appropriate medications, do what you can to let your body heal, and your heart and soul along with it. It will take time, but it is possible. Maybe not the life you always wanted, but certainly better than it is today. When you are physically able, you might want to consider joining a support group for grieving parents. you are not alone, as you can see. Don't be afraid to pray, and don't be afraid to ask for help.