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Mental Health (Expert Forum)
family feuding caused by 31 year old nephew that will not work
Answered by
Roger Gould, M.D. - Mental Health, Wellness
Questions posted in the Mental Health forum are being answered by Dr. Roger L. Gould, author of the Mastering Stress and Depression program and affiliated with the UCLA. Department of Psychiatry. Topics covered include anger, attention deficit disorder (ADD), bipolar disorder, dementia, electroconvulsive therapy (ECT), learning disabilities, memory, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), panic, personality disorders, phobias, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), schizophrenia, stress, transitions, and work problems.
family feuding caused by 31 year old nephew that will not work
by rapper, Dec 07, 2002 12:00AM
My sister and i had an argument due to the fact her son whom is now 31 and has had 5 or 6 jobs and quit all of them because he will not work for $8 or $10 per hr. He hounded my husband for yrs about getting him a job where he works and the pay is over $20 per hr but they were not hiring and had a policy for not hiring relatives which they abolished and did finally hire but it was all done thru eeoc an my position with the company meant nothing for fear of a lawsuit. i did get him a job with the co. at a lower rate and a vendor but it was a foot in the door. he quit after a few wks when he asked for a raise after 2 or 3 wks.He was married and his wife worked 2 or 3 yrs and he did not. she finally got tired of that and divorced him. who would blame her. This is compounded by the nephews mother giving him access to her bank account to purchase vehicles pay bills to include food.tv, phone and dental. This 31 yr old also depends on his grandparents for meals and other favors but gives nothing in return. They are in their 70's and could be shoveling 6 inches of snow in their driveway and he will show up to eat a meal and leave and never offer to help. His mother never corrects him or gives good advice. his mother and dad divorced when he was a child and she gave custody to the dad who is very controlling and do not talk as father and son and play games. the mother we assume has guilt feelings and that is why we believe she treats him like a child vs an adult. This 31 yr old's friends are all of 18 and 19 yrs old that is whom he associates with. What normal 31 yr old depends on his mother, grandparents and blames his relatives for his failures? when he did work he depended on his mother or grandad to call him in the morning to make sure he was awake and the phone had to ring for maybe 30 rings. He did not allow his wife whom worked to make any decisions, turn the thermostat over 55. I hope you have got a brief description of a family matter that has a wedge driven in it because we have all had to walk on pins and needles because he cannot accept constructive criticism or the truth.
Doctor's Answer
by Roger Gould, M.D., Dec 10, 2002 12:00AM
, Dec 10, 2002 12:00AM
I have great sympathy for the situation you described. I'm not sure what questions you are asking so I do not know how to respond to your comments. The young man you described is certainly underdeveloped in terms of his adultness. The explanation you give as to why he is in this state sounds reasonable to me.
It is appropriate to argue with your sister in terms of requiring her to confront her son but she has probably tried that already to no avail. You mentioned he is difficult to talk to so she is for probably just trying to keep contact and hopes that everything will take care of itself.
I recommend that you , your sister, or this young man use the mastering stress program with a link above to begin to sort out this problem and find pragmatic ways to get him moving in the right direction.
It is appropriate to argue with your sister in terms of requiring her to confront her son but she has probably tried that already to no avail. You mentioned he is difficult to talk to so she is for probably just trying to keep contact and hopes that everything will take care of itself.
I recommend that you , your sister, or this young man use the mastering stress program with a link above to begin to sort out this problem and find pragmatic ways to get him moving in the right direction.
