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Mental Health (Expert Forum)
Bipolar? or just a mess?
Answered by
Roger Gould, M.D. - Mental Health, Wellness
Questions posted in the Mental Health forum are being answered by Dr. Roger L. Gould, author of the Mastering Stress and Depression program and affiliated with the UCLA. Department of Psychiatry. Topics covered include anger, attention deficit disorder (ADD), bipolar disorder, dementia, electroconvulsive therapy (ECT), learning disabilities, memory, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), panic, personality disorders, phobias, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), schizophrenia, stress, transitions, and work problems.
Bipolar? or just a mess?
by SillyMe, Jul 10, 2003 12:00AM
I am wondering if I really have bi-polar disorder. I can look back and clearly see episodes of mania as well as depression, so at the surface even I would agree I have it. But as I look closer at my life over the past 15 or so years, I wonder if the ‘symptoms’ exhibited were really caused by circumstances and events. For instance, the second depression I can recall (I was 14 at the time) happened at the same time a good friend of my brother’s died – we were all close to him and his family and it shook us up (The first depression I can recall experiencing was when I was 12 and all I did was lay around and read or sleep).
As a young adult I was in an emotionally and sexually abusive relationship for several years, he even raped me and once ran a knife over me as we were having sex. I never reported him or sought counseling and have never brought it up to anyone and sometimes it haunts my thoughts, popping out of nowhere. During that time I would alter between mania and depression with not much if any ‘normal’ time between – but I don’t know if it was because of the stress and abuse I was trying to deal with or because of the disease. I was diagnosed in 95 with major depression and that was changed in spring of 96 to bi-polar with suicidal ideations after a manic episode where I cut up my arm and wound up in the hospital. Since then I have had several depressive episodes, some more severe than others and only one manic episode that I suspect was induced by paxil (my p-doc put me on it to try after a hospitalization for a suicide attempt). I have had periods of hypomania.
Right now I don’t know what’s going on with me. I know I am stressed from work and home life (my mom had a stroke last December – she is doing very well, but not quite herself) I am so angry all the time, yelling at people and having to bite my tongue so I don’t say something to get fired or start a huge fight at home. I’ve had to actually sit on my hands and count in my head during meetings at work to keep from getting up and walking out or saying how stupid they all are and I don’t need to be there. I am not sleeping well, am rarely hungry. I have tons of thoughts racing around my head all the time. I am aware of and try to discourage some distorted thinking, especially the thought that someone is always watching me with a camera in the heater registers in the ceiling. I know this is not true, but the thought is often there. I used to hear a voice in my head, they put me on an anti-psychotic med for a few months and that stopped it. Sometimes I just want to be dead for a little while. I cut sometimes–makes me feel better for a little bit. I don’t know what to think. I take Neurontin and Ativan. My doc gave me Trazodone, but my hair started falling out like when I took Depakote, so I won’t take it anymore. I just want to give up – I’m so tired of shrinks, therapists and pills, but I have a 4 year old and honestly she’s the only thing keeping me going.
As a young adult I was in an emotionally and sexually abusive relationship for several years, he even raped me and once ran a knife over me as we were having sex. I never reported him or sought counseling and have never brought it up to anyone and sometimes it haunts my thoughts, popping out of nowhere. During that time I would alter between mania and depression with not much if any ‘normal’ time between – but I don’t know if it was because of the stress and abuse I was trying to deal with or because of the disease. I was diagnosed in 95 with major depression and that was changed in spring of 96 to bi-polar with suicidal ideations after a manic episode where I cut up my arm and wound up in the hospital. Since then I have had several depressive episodes, some more severe than others and only one manic episode that I suspect was induced by paxil (my p-doc put me on it to try after a hospitalization for a suicide attempt). I have had periods of hypomania.
Right now I don’t know what’s going on with me. I know I am stressed from work and home life (my mom had a stroke last December – she is doing very well, but not quite herself) I am so angry all the time, yelling at people and having to bite my tongue so I don’t say something to get fired or start a huge fight at home. I’ve had to actually sit on my hands and count in my head during meetings at work to keep from getting up and walking out or saying how stupid they all are and I don’t need to be there. I am not sleeping well, am rarely hungry. I have tons of thoughts racing around my head all the time. I am aware of and try to discourage some distorted thinking, especially the thought that someone is always watching me with a camera in the heater registers in the ceiling. I know this is not true, but the thought is often there. I used to hear a voice in my head, they put me on an anti-psychotic med for a few months and that stopped it. Sometimes I just want to be dead for a little while. I cut sometimes–makes me feel better for a little bit. I don’t know what to think. I take Neurontin and Ativan. My doc gave me Trazodone, but my hair started falling out like when I took Depakote, so I won’t take it anymore. I just want to give up – I’m so tired of shrinks, therapists and pills, but I have a 4 year old and honestly she’s the only thing keeping me going.
Doctor's Answer
by Roger Gould, M.D., Jul 11, 2003 12:00AM
, Jul 11, 2003 12:00AM
You are understandably tired of all these shrinks and therapist but they are still what you need...especially the therapist. make sure you have some who you can talk to and trust and who has a way of making you think about life with perspective and understanding, not just talk about symptoms or immediate crises. That is what you are missing now, from what you are saying here, and that is what can get you back on a good and hopeful track.
i know it is disheartening to go through so much only to end up at one brick wall after another. nobody wants to go through starting and stopping meds b/c they don't work or they have side-effects. but you need to take special care b/c you do have the cutting issues going on.
i went through alot before i finally found myself on medication that helped me. i think i tried everything under the sun and i just couldn't seem to get any kind of stabilization of my mood (mostly very dark depression). finally i tried something for long enough and it started to work and i feel normal for the first time in my life!
you are not alone, stay with a therapist and keep looking around for more boards for bipolar patients, i am sure there must be more out there that you could find by doing a search!
good luck,
amber
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