Do you remember the little boy on the tricycle and when asked, "What are you waiting for?" he said, "I don't know, something amazing!!!"  Don't quote me, but that's how it feels like my life is.  What did I do today?  This is what I wrote in my "tracking" note book because I have been getting annoyed with trying to maintain everything and check off which medications I took, why I take them, etc.  So I simplified it and I felt accomplished because instead of not having anything crossed, checked, or marked according to whatever site conveniently provided these charts, I had found satisfaction in even my menial tasks.  Those minuscule moments are what help me keep going.  I may be mindless 99% of the time, but I suppose that's good enough for now.  As for today, I didn't do anything.  I went to re-piece my new vacuum, but I noticed on my way into the kitchen, there were strange black lumps on the floor.  I thought it was dog hair until I picked it up and realized it was kind of like a synthetic Brillo.  What does this mean, you wonder?  ED.  

She deters the good things that I manage to incorporate into my life with great struggle and yet I keep her around.  I've always been the type of person who can't say no to anything, even if it means I get the short end of the stick.  It's happened so many times, you'd think I would know better.  But I don't.  Or I do but I just let it slide.  I've become institutionalized.  I believe strength comes from every second your mind takes the initiative and you go on autopilot unwillingly.  Sometimes I recognize this in myself, but most of the time I deny it.  I feel weak and confused.  And right now I feel lonely.  It feels like the days I need someone, they're avoiding me.  Or the days I want to be left alone, I'm not.  Time passes too slowly when you want it to go faster, etc.  

Tomorrow I hope I'll find the energy to find the filter.  If not, what I was dreading *having to return it* then back to Wal-Mart it goes.  It's not a really big deal, but it's just such a pain.  It was a pain carrying it out to my car, up the stairs into my apartment, and putting it together.  Because no easy setup is ever easy enough for me.  For some reason, I always get the piece of **** out of the decent pile.  Now I'm going to have to repackage it, find the receipt, drive it back, drag it back inside, hopefully find another one available, wait in line, blah, blah, blah.  ;;sigh.

I'm lonely.  

Stupid cat.

I guess I'm back sooner than I thought.  I've had a lot of disappointments in my life, most of them small but repetitive.  The big ones were anticipated after experiencing all of the smaller ones.  

I'm an honest girl.  I'm comfortable with myself.  I have issues but beyond that, I'm the black sheep of my family, and they know that.  Abby used to call me Kevin because she said I was a man in disguise.  I told her I was reincarnated from a tree.  I could give a rap-cay less about the environment today.  Don't get me wrong, I believe in Eco-friendly products and projects.  However, I don't want to hear you tell me we're killing the environment while you're smoking a cigarette.  

But I digress.

Back to being a man in disguise.  I was a tomboy and that's carried up until the present.  It ties in with being honest and comfortable, and I suppose my issues.  For example, I can hock a loogie/spit like a master.  Sometimes I can gleek, too.  It's just not a lady like thing to do.  I also belch - not burp.  I'm an independent person and if someone feels embarrassed to be around me, that's on them.  I'm not going to judge them, but they can walk away easily if they so desired.  

Despite being a tomboy, I still hold morals, mantras, and etiquette.  Surprisingly, I'm a painfully shy person, but once I warm up to you, it's like a manic mood swing.  I'm a completely different person.  I'm very affectionate and physical.  I will give you hugs and kisses and push you, etc.  I wrestled with my friends and we used to beat each other up because it was fun.  I can understand that not everyone would find this kind of activity very fun, and I respect that.  I usually keep my distance and let the other person speak up.  The way I can drink shots and chug beer should be illegal.  I'm feminine, though.  I don't dress myself to the nines on a daily basis because I'm comfortable with my androgynous but unique style.  Even though I may dawn some basics (I hate fashion today, it's so freaking ugly), I have my own "flair" (if you must) and let's not lie, having big boobs (for my size - they're not ginormous) and a decent face helps out a bit, too.  

If you claim you're not a hypocrite, you're being a hypocrite.  Everyone is, has been, will be, etc.  It's inevitable, but it's not always a bad thing.  Some things are "easier said than done" and if you're giving advice, you're coming from a different perspective.  Anyway.  Everyone can be something, but some people are some things.  Take Abby for example.  There is no word to describe Abby.  You could search the entire dictionary and wouldn't find a thing.  So, Abby is an Abby.  This is my personalized dictionary.  People are unique, eh?  Well why not use them as adjectives?  

Anyway.  None of this is related.  Absolutely none of it.  Just felt like sitting down and posting.  I had something in mind but I forgot.  I have about a five second memory span.  

Peace out, yo.

Exactly what it says.  My vacuum broke and I had a mental shut down.  I don't know what to do and I stopped taking my Adderall because OCD cleaning is my life - I just want to sleep.  The weather is nice out and it depresses me even more because I want to go outside but I keep crying about my vacuum.  I know this may sound stupid, to be so broken up about a lame vacuum cleaner.  It's like losing a best friend ... or something extremely important to you, whether someone else may think it's silly or not.  I mean we all have special things that no one else could possibly care about.  

Of the material things I would rescue from a fire, if I had the time, I would only take Mr. Green.  Of course I would try to get my animals, even if it means chasing Ed out the door and never seeing her again (scaredy cat).  I don't mind being burglarized because who is really going to find value in a stuffed alligator pillow?  Sure, there are things I kind of like and wish that people wouldn't take, but they're all replaceable and really have little meaning.  For example, someone stole my favorite pen when I was in group and I had a panic attack.  Seems stupid, but that's how it is.  

So, as Vonnegut and Dwyan Hoover would say, "so it goes".  

My friend Matt used to make fun of me because when I was frustrated, I would always hit the same keys ... every single time.  I'm going to make this short.  I'm cranky but more apathetic and since I'm apathetic, I'm tired.  I had what was a good day turned into a lame one.  I have all these people telling me I look, sound, seem different ... in a good way.  That I seem better and then I get it in my head that maybe they're right.  Why?  Because I can't make a decision for my life.  Anyway.  So I think I'm happy and I feel uncomfortable and actually scared because it's an unfamiliar feeling.  It's not happiness.  I'm just ... STILL MANIC.  I don't want to get into it.  I'd rather smash my head against the wall.  That's all I feel like doing right now.  Smashing myself against stuff.  UGHHHHHHHHH.  

I AMMMMM FRRRUUUSSSTTRRRAAATTTEEDDDDD!!!!