Mar 15, 2009
Abby got into a mood during the movie. I was really annoyed because she and The Other weren't paying attention. I don't know how to go about their relationship. She completely disowns people who really haven't done any harm to her. In fact, all of her ex-boyfriends were starry-eyed by her. Some couldn't handle her, some did, etc. But in the end she always blames everyone else. It's never her fault.
For example, Dan. Dan is a pretty decent guy and I know that he loved Abby very, very much. But what does she do? She goes to Mexico, California, and Italy with some other guy and while she was seeing Dan, apparently she would frequent here and see The Other. While she said she wanted space to think about their future, I had a dream of her arrival and what I believe really happened. She didn't take a break from Dan - she destroyed him, hates him now even though he never, ever did anything wrong to her, and cheated behind his back. She makes these people disillusioned into thinking she is their world. Then she breaks their hearts and moves on to another victim. Even though she and I know how much Dan really cared about her and how much he had done for her, she still blasphemies his name. I never liked Dan, but he certainly does not deserve that. I wish I could reach out to him and tell him I'm sorry.
A lot of her ex-boyfriends had a lot in common with me. Abby is a conformist. Her identity crisis is similar to mine, but on a different level. She will never know herself because she has never taken the time to accept her reality. Instead, she fills her life with boys and whatever that boy has to offer. There was a guy named Ryan and he was into punk, so therefore Abby was. Dan was into spinning, thus Abby was as well. She will never know who she is, and that's part of life - trying to figure out as much as you can before you die.
I on the other hand struggle with my reality and am trying to deal with the things that have never been dealt with for the last 23 years. I was never a kid. I had no childhood, and it's frustrating that I have to take on the responsibility of maintaining the fact that my brain is basically effing with me. Not only that, but the troubles that come with age, gender, race specifically, income, long term goals; the future. How do you do that? How are you supposed to take care of what hasn't been taken care of for 23 years plus the "normality" of being 23?
Everyday is discouraging. I'm a very sensitive person. You wake up and ask yourself what the day is going to be like - I, being disassociated with myself take the apathetic approach. I expect nothing good or really bad; what happens, happens. Sometimes I anticipate the dread of the mundane, but my days consist of the fluctuation of catatonia to stay "sane" and all the disorders I have rolled into one. I'm very tired. Very, very tired. I don't like where I am, but my options are limited.
Honestly, I don't want to have anything to do with anyone. Do not take this as a sign of suicide, but I've never been a materialistic person. Sure I had fun hobbies which consisted of seeking out and collecting antiques, like typewriters, sun glasses, trinkets, especially ones that involved elephants, owls, birds, etc. But I'm trying to separate myself from these things. I spend less and less time being involved in basically anything. The computer annoys me ... I feel like everything has been exploited. People ***** themselves out on personal websites, whether it's with photo shop photos in the bathroom, blogs that you explicitly know people will read and it will make them feel like poo, or dating sites. I'm not going to lie and say I haven't had my taste of this superficial world. I've tinkered with a lot of stuff, but it just gets boring and out of hand.
I don't like people. It would be easier for me to write a list of things I do like rather than what I dislike. The list would be short. For as much as my heart reaches out to (seriously) everyone, I'm not sure if it's a characteristic flaw of being a "good person" or sympathy for how pathetic life and people really are. I really am trying to make the necessary adjustments to function in society. Even with everything I'm dealing with, it's harder because I just want to be left alone. My dream? My short term dream would be living in a very small apartment with Echo. I would want some movies and the internet because people refuse to use real terms of interaction. Maybe a few trinkets. As I've mentioned before, the only thing I would try to save in a disaster, if possible, would be Mr. Green. The list gets shorter as I get older. I care more about people but am more disgusted by them with age. I don't get it.
Me: I've always been depressed. Right now I'm in a manic episode that has lasted way beyond its limits and I don't know when it will end. I don't like it and it's apparent to those around me. "How are you today? What's wrong? You seem ... down or tired ... or something, I don't know." I don't know what to say. I guess I'm tired, physically and mentally. I'm always down, but I don't think there is ever going to be a word that really describes what I'm not feeling. I don't feel anymore. I'm just ... here.
I think my essence left my body a long time ago. I died a long time ago and now my body wants to physically disappear because it deserves it for all the stuff I've put it through. We can exist in other realms that do not require physical materialism. I am not talking about the afterlife. We live through memories of other people. We never really die. I am done with this world. I've done my job and I'm not afraid to die. Nothing scares me anymore. I'm not sure anything really ever scared me. I am taken by surprise when someone sneaks up from behind me, but it is a reaction rather than a feeling. If someone fakes you out, most likely you'll respond with whatever you would normally do if they actually did it. Our minds are easily tampered with. You think something is going to hurt, but when you think about it, it didn't really hurt - you're just conditioned to say "ow" when you bump into something or fall.
Sunday ... I'm tired. What do I want to do? Just talk to J. I need a friend. I'm lonely. It's odd, but I don't want to have anything to do with Alex anymore. He's a great friend and he tries to support me the best he can. But he will never understand. He has a life outside of me and he's lived it just fine. People can live without me. I am easily replaceable and I am easy to replace someone else until my purpose has been served. People with a mental illness don't really live life. You can't exactly function in society. Most of us don't have jobs or the ability to finish anything. It's not that we don't want to, or that it's a total effect of the **** economy - we just can't.
Did you know that rolling your tongue is genetic? No matter how hard you try, if it isn't within your gene pool, you will never be able to accomplish it. I can roll my tongue but I know people who can't. Us "tongue rollers" are in another world than the "non-tongue rollers". I need someone to take care of me because I don't know how to do it. This is why I don't want to physically exist anymore. I'm losing this war against my body. I'm fighting deterioration and it's getting old. I can only be apathetic for so long. Iono. I want to lie down and feel bad for myself. But then I also want to lie down and hope that I can sleep as well as wake up tomorrow. I'm so conflicted.