Mar 02, 2009
I didn't know that you could have a general journal. I'm grateful for this because I usually elongate my jibberish in non-related trackers. I must admit I feel a bit bad for my computer. I recently started writing (I hate saying that or that I'm writing in a journal or diary, for reason, it makes me feel stupid) but I've been using this website to keep track of what's been going on instead. I would file my documents and sort them by each month so I can monitor things. It's helpful when I need something physical to give to my doctors, therapists, psychiatrists, etc. I can't show them this website, and I doubt they have the time to check it. It's kind of petty and personal - basically a waste of their time. Which is fine by me. I totally understand. Even though I keep everything open to the public, it's not their responsibility to check up on me.
I'm so happy I found this website. Even though my life has been frequently unbearable, there are some savory moments. Like when I finally quit high school to go to university at 16. Or when I moved to Harrisburg, got a job, and went to school full time. I was proud of myself, but things always mess it up. Right now, the best thing I've got is trying to lose weight. The Weight Watchers coaches assure me that I'm doing great. Even they aren't aware that I'm Bipolar, depressed, and stressed, they still motivate me. And that's what people need - it shouldn't be a surprise when someone is kind. I really think it's a shame that so many things have been distorted that people are taken aback by them. Kindness is equivalent to being crazy. Shyness is equivalent to being stuck up. It's hard to make friends when you're shy and they think that you think you're better than them. I've made friends who have told me that they were scared of me at first because I was so quiet they thought I didn't like them. Or they thought I was snobby because again, I was shy. I can't help it. I've always been painfully shy.
I wish it were easier to make friends. I'm not in the position to make any friends right now, but I still wish it were easier. At my age, people don't want to make friends. They want to date and if you aren't interested, they move along. It's frustrating when there is unrequited love. You want to love them back, but you just can't. One time I thought this guy wanted to be my friend and I was excited. But it turned out he wanted to date and I just didn't feel that way about him. He invited me to a part-ay and said it was for me because he missed me (I was on break from school in Virginia, so I returned 2 1/2 hours back to Shippensburg/my home town). He told me he was in love with me, etc. And I felt horrible. He cried and then he got aggressive and I couldn't escape. He raped me and when his roommate, who I sort of knew but not in depth, came to find me and asked if I was okay. He took one look at my face and told me he was sorry. What made it worse was that my friend Mike, who I had invited along, text messaged me while I was being assaulted, jokingly asked, "Are you being raped?" What made it worse was that my roommates from school despised me and told me that (the one in particular) she had never been so disrespected in her life. She treated my family disgustingly. Abby told them that whatever I did, whether it was wrong or not, I meant no harm and that I shouldn't be treated the way she was treating me - especially not R and D because they showed unconditional kindness. Her name was Stephanie and the other two were Sedra (she was Pakistani) and Neily (Stephanie and Neily were both white).
This was just another case of ostracization from doing nothing wrong. She said I disrespected her because I left them by themselves at the party, but they were talking to people, getting drunk and were obviously comfortable. Stephanie was just being mean. She said she was the only who had the balls to say something to me and when I asked Neily and Sedra if they felt the same way, they looked away with shame and couldn't answer me. Stephanie was dominating them. Years later, Sedra messaged me and asked me how I was doing. She was being very nice and I told myself, "she is a good person, but why the hell would she think I would want to talk to her after what she did to me?" No one ever apologized. When I had to drive them back to school (most uncomfortable situation ever), they actually went to the counselor and told her they couldn't live with me and that I should be kicked out because I was an awful person. I too saw the counselor and that's how I found out what they did. I told her I was taking medical leave and she gave me the go ahead. I never went back. This has happened to me a lot of times.
Even if I told them I was raped, Stephanie wouldn't have cared - she would have stuck by her words of me being disrespectful. When it was time to head back, Abby insisted they did not deserve my transportation. She said that they had to take care of themselves after the way they treated me. I was very sad but when they started to harass and belittle Abby and R and D, I was so angry. I told Stephanie she had no right to treat people who didn't do anything to them except be incredibly courteous. The reason I mentioned Stephanie and Neily being white and Sedra being Pakistani is because, (I know this sounds racist) Asians seem to relate better to each other because of the cultural upbringings. Technically Sedra wasn't Asian, but she was from South Asia. Asians seem to be a lot less petty than white girls. I'm sorry if this is offensive, but in my experience, this is not a theory, it's a fact. Just like how Koreans hate everyone because everyone screwed them over.
My apartment is a mess. Ed is a very bad cat. Though she is less afraid and definitely more comfortable with her surrounds, she's a little snot ball. She loves wreaking havoc. I think as she gets older she will maybe let me pet her, but I'm positive she isn't the type of kitty that wants to be held. I wish I only had Echo Bunny. She loves me unconditionally and Nico loves me, too. But I'm just not a dog person and I feel like she isn't getting enough attention. I try to spend time with her and take her to see people because she absolutely LOVES people. But I just don't think it's enough for her. I think she'd be happier in another home. But with a-holes dumping animals in the wild, the animal population is out of control and it's impossible to find a shelter that has room for them.
I've been somewhat productive. I've started tearing apart my cords and I'm going to force myself through the dread of organizing them. It's just so tedious and frustrating. I'm trying to find the right boxes to wrap the long ones in to keep them hidden and less tangled. It's the mania - I start with excessive motivation to do things but I can't finish them. I wish I was more productive. I used to be able to multi-task like crazy. You wouldn't believe how amazingly fast I was. Nowadays I have very strong will power to do everything at once. I mean I put things off like taking the trash out, so the piles of garbage bags sit outside until there are a lot. They're heavy but I try to carry all of them at one time. The thing that makes it hard is that I have to go down really old and not very sturdy escape stairs, go behind a scary alley, and use all my tiny might into the disposal. Since the apartment is rented through D's company, the trash is taken care of by CVR's back disposal. But it's really hard trying to throw them in there. I'm too short and the trash is usually too heavy for me to throw it up there. There have been times where they have been too much for me to handle, so I just set them there and hope someone swings them into the dump. The same thing applies to groceries. I have to carry as many as possible. I'm not like Hulk, but I have a lot more strength and a lot of determination that makes me stronger to do these things. Don't judge me as stubborn. Even though it's true, the things I know - I'm extremely sensitive and it hurts my feelings. I hate being called names even if it's out of fun. I told Alex he is only allowed to call me Mato (his nickname for me). He would jokingly call me things like "stink" and it really hurt my feelings. Actually, he's probably called me by my real name a maximum of ten times for the seven years I've known them. When he does, it's when I'm not listening and he's trying to be serious.
He calls me Mato because my brothers told him that when I was younger I was obsessed with tomatoes but I couldn't say it, so I said Mato. I think they probably made this up, but whatever. I like being Mato. It's one thing I can add to the list of things that I know about myself.
Alex upset me because I know he's frustrated for his feelings about his ex-girlfriend (skank) and his feelings for me. He said that it's hard for him to feel love towards someone when you're not supposed to. I told him you can't control the feelings you have for someone. He shouldn't wait for Sasha to make up her mind while screwing other guys and then when she's finally rejected, come running back to Alex as a safety measure. He should just be happy and not make himself miserable when he has the chance of being loved by the person he actually loves, too - me. He was cuddling me in bed and he was twitchy because he was conflicted with his feelings for me. He wanted more but then he said that he would be the same if he were laying with Sasha (the twitching because he does that when he wants to be affectionate). Being depressed already, I just laid in bed silently crying while he fell asleep. I don't know how much I can deal with this anymore. I told Alex that I just want to be his friend and I only want him to do what makes him happy. I wasn't lying, but it doesn't mean that the truth doesn't hurt. I'm afraid I'm going to be broken hearted and alone for the rest of my life. It's not that I need or want a boyfriend. I need the confirmation that I'm worth something.
Today I look hideous. Being Asian, I already have tiny eyes, but since I have been crying so much, they're swollen. I don't have tear ducts anymore - I have severe dry eye syndrome and what that boils down to is that I can't produce tears. To fix this, they either put me on special eye medication, but once you go on it, you can't go back. The other solution is surgery to insert fake tear ducts. I know it sounds contradictory, with me crying and not being able to produce tears. But what happens is that I am able to cry, but I cry so much, that I basically drain the natural tears.
I'm having a lot of emotional, mental, and physical problems. R always says I'll get over it and is a jerk about taking care of myself. Sometimes D tells me I better get it fixed, but most of the time he tells me I complain too much. My response? I say that when all of this turns incurable and devastating, they are going to feel like junk because they didn't believe me - and they totally deserve that. I am a medical enigma. Although I'm dying faster than a normal person on a day to day basis, I go back and forth with numerous doctors and they can't figure out why I'm deteriorating when everything seems healthy. They are baffled with what to do when there are no signs of trouble, except things keep getting worse for no reason. I recently had my eyes checked, and of course, they are rapidly getting worse, which is abnormal. They just don't understand. But maybe being blind in my twenties won't be so bad. I don't know. Trying to take care of myself is actually more stressful than not. I get more hell from R and D if I try to soothe whatever is killing me. But it's even more stressful going to a professional and them telling me they don't understand what's wrong. Honestly, I have no energy to try anymore. I can only worry or be apathetic.