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Status: jacktar09

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About Me: Male, 60, Thorold, ON, member since Oct 2009

-UPDATE AND MORE !!! A survivor of childhood abuse - sexual incest- physical abuse and emotional abuse ( and thru a new memory gained) possible cult programing ! - - I've undergone 4 years of therapy - THOUGHT I WAS WELL ON THE WAY TO RECOVERY - WRONG !!!!!! - Have f ... [More] eelings of loss- confusion - isolation even In a crowed - cant cope - crying all the time then HUGE RAGE - total uncontrollable - know its happening but cant stop it - hearing words that don't sound like me - IS THIS - DID or paranoia. ??? Also I am having problems recalling things I did during a specific 10 year period of my married life have come back with a vengence - a 5 hour melt down - and the realisation that I was abused again as an adult by the same diynamics that happened to me first time - my total loss of adult control stems from my "NEED to continue the abuse - this led to deninal and burying of the memories it DISTROYED our 30 year relationship and even most details of the past 30 years are un-clear jumbled and only relate to feelings and no specific dates and time and places. Even now I am begin to notice that most of my 50 odd years are really not there. They exist because of "things" that people have told me, not because I remember most of it - what I now know and remember is most of the bad times - and not many of the good times. I am taking some charge of this by having a hearing at a victims tribunial - I get a chance to tell all to people who don't judge me only the facts of things I beleive happened - then they rendr a verdict - depending on that - it may or may not save my marriage - only GOd knows for sure. in the PAST -
Work was my bubble, my refuge, my sense of self - when I lost a job I had worked my way up in for 15 years - everything crashed - it all became a daymair - I latched on to a new job after about a year and it was all consuming - I thought I was doing all the right things in my marriage but I was almost "not there" work was my new bubble. Does anyone else know how I feel and more importiantly why - how do I face what I did,and what I don't know ? Now the new Job loss - take it with the help of faith , and my sister who encourages me ( even now that she is in Panama) and my wife Jan whom i deeply love - - ONE DAY AT A TIME - ONE THING AT A TIME - JIUST WISH I HAD MORE POSITIVE MEMMORIES. ! [Less]

Interests: Anxiety, Depression, dissasociation, TIME, feeling, cult groups - programing, DID/MPD, emotional health, Relationships

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