About Me: Female, 23, Burlington, ON, member since Nov 2007
I have been suffering with anxiety bascially my entire life. Since I was 8 years old to be exact. I dont exactly remember being "diagnosed" since I was so young but I do remember some parts. I remember the first ever therapy session I went to back in 98'. This is when I
[More] was diagnosed with OCD and had many fears. (Germs, touching strange objects, throwing up ect) I never had rituals though, so I was diagnosed with a milder form of the disorder. I remember having a red folder that I would put a sticker on everytime I conquered a fear. 8 months into it, my therapist relocated and assured that I was fine and would be better taking anti depressants. So I started taking Luvox at age 8. I was pretty much a normal kid from then on until I was about 12 and just started middle school. The beginning of seventh grade was great. New friends, new school ect. In the middle of the school year around November I think? things went downhill. I dont remember much all I remember is going through a 6 month depression mode. I didnt eat, I didnt sleep, I lost wieght, I missed 6 months of school and things just werent good. I went to my family doctor and he referred me to another therapist. The new therapist assessed me and said what I pretty much had was Depression. I saw him on a regular basis, talking about my thoughts, feelings ect. Him being able to also perscribe medication put me on the drug Risperidol in addition to the Luvox. I ended up being taken off the Risperidol because it was making me gain wieght. By eigth grade eveything was great. It was my graduating year and going off to high school. I will ALWAYS remember my first panic attack. It was in eight grade science class and we were about to watch a movie about light and how it travels. My teacher had warned anybody in the class if they had epilepsy to walk out now because the lights and flashing could trigger a siezure. I got immidetly scared. I started having these thoughs (What if I had epilepsy and I didnt know it? Would I have a siezure in class?) Then all of a sudden I felt like I was breathing through a straw. My chest got hot and it felt tight, my heart was pounding and I was sweating. I was prettty sure I was having a heart attack. I asked to leave class and went to the office and called my mom to ask to come home because I wasnt feeling well. When I got home I explained to her how I was feeling and I went to my family doctor. He checked my heart, my breathing ect and said everything was fine. I had just had a panic attack. I had a social worker that helped me through grades 7 & 8. She helped ALOT. Grade 9 was a amazing year, I had new friends plus the old ones I still had and it went on without any trouble. Grade 10 I went through another stint like the one I had in grade 7. But it was so minor. Pretty much high school went great until my senior year. Grade 12. I remember that summer before the school year started I was really depressed, had increasing panic attacks and was anxious all the time. I just wanted to spend time in my room: my comfort zone. The first day of school I was a wreck but as soon as I saw my friends I felt confortable and went along with the rest of the day. I missed alot of school allll through high school. That was becasue of my number one fear: Vomiting. If I felt sick in the morning (which was allll in my mind) I would avoid school in order to not get sick AT school. Most days I missed were cuz of high anxiety and panic attacks, but other then that I attended. By Febuary things turned ugly. I was starting to get bullied by my FRIENDS. Ive always been bullied my whole life and I never took it personally, but when my friends began doing it, it was horrible. They would say I was spoiled because my parents bought me things, or say "Why dont you have a job?" which I would explain to them that I couldnt stay in a job because of my anxiety and my underlying fear of failure.( I did have two previous jobs....that didnt last long.) They also made fun of my appearance. I have a huge overbite so that was the main focus. Then things got worse. I was being pushed into the ice. I got a chunk of ice thrown at me and left a huge gash on the side of my head. My girlfriends NEVER stood up for me, which was ironic seeing as they were the closest friends ive EVER had. I think the breaking point came when one of my guy friends threw my purse down the hall and everything fell out. I was sick and tired of this and finally went to my parents. Who ofcourse looking out for me went to the principal and told the names of the people bullying me. One of them who had done this on previous accounts had been expelled. And I got blamed from EVERYONE for his expulsion. The others got suspended. They hated me from then on. Although now everything is patched up: with the exception of the one "I" got expelled. I ended up dropping out of high school at the near end. Around April. Its one of my biggest regrets to this day. Whenever I think of those people I think of how much I miss them even though they werent good people. Well that blew over and never heard from those people again. The summer after dropping out my anxiety got SOOOOO bad. I went to my family doctor and he told me that my current medication that I have been on since 98' (it was 2008 at this point by the way) was no longer working. I was a adult and I outgrew it. So I was slowly weaned off the Luvox and introduced the new anti - depressant Cipralex (Lexapro) to my system. WORST FEW MONTHS OF MY LIFE. When I first started the new medication, after the previous medication was out of my system I was a wreck. I was having suicidal thoughts (NOT ACTIONS -- I NEVER intended to kill myself) and these thoughts scared me to death. I went to the doctors the next day and I was told it was a side effect of the new medication starting to work. I was kept on close watch. Going to my family doctor every day for 3 days to monitor my feelings and eventually they went away. Leaving my house became a struggle becasue I was in fear I would have a panic attack while in public. I was referred to another therapist who diagnosed me with Panic Disorder associated with Agoraphobia. To this day I still dont ingage in activities I used to. I dont have any new friends besides the ones I had in high school. I find it depressing sometimes that I cant do things normally without the fear of a panic attack. I also have a fear of diseases. Like I have one and nobody knows. (Cancer, heart disease, ect) and I fear death (like everyother human out there) I have stupid things I do like when someone says (out of anger) I hope you die! Then I think what if....Did they jinx me? am I gunna die? Or if I accidently mess up a word like besides and spell it besidies thenn ill think its a sign im gunna die.Or if I get a pain in my stomach I automatically think "stomach cancer, colon cancer ect" Its kinda like a OCD ritrual in a way. I have a boyfriend now and have for 5 months and he doesnt get it most of the time. That I have this disorder and its hard to understand. I do believe I will grow out of it as I was told by the doctor at age 21 It would die down. I will live with it the rest of my life, its inevintable. But aslong as I keep positive (which is hard to do sometimes) and keep the medication up Ill be able to control it.
Side notes: In eight grade my parents took me to the hospital because it got so bad. I was saying I wanted to die and was having horrible panic attacks.
My worst fear came to life 2 months ago. I got the stomach flu and my body wasent absorbing my medication which led to self mutilation. (It a form of seritonin release making the person feel better) The scars on my legs are still being worked on.
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