I don't know if this will help but I do understand what you are going through to some extent. My mom died when I was 14, at 16 my father's parental rights were terminated, and I was put into foster care. He died about 8 months later. I lived with a few family members and a non-relative foster family - but no one formed an unconditional love attachment to me - they bluntly told me that I wasn't their child so I shouldn't expect them to love like that. Rejected and abused by my own family, I've been on my own -- without belonging anywhere or to anyone. Lack of love made me an all or nothing person. I've been called "intense". I have no shades of grey.But I don't know how to be normal. I didn't grow up in a normal context. Often, I feel broken. Like I'm a defective human being.