I'm am so, so sorry. You're heart must be breaking...literally. I can only imagine. I hope you are able to find lots of support and comfort thru family and friends at this time. I wish there was something to be done to ease the pain. Hang in there as best you can.
I can totally relate. I had so many relatives, friends and colleagues getting pregnant around the times we were trying. It was so hard to be supportive. I wanted to be, but I was so hurt and frustrated over my own situation that it was very hard to appreciate their joys. At times I couldn't even bring myself to go to babyshowers. It was just too much, even though deep down I knew I should be there for support. For the most part, people were pretty understanding. I still had those few who pegged me as a very selfish person. Then I just felt guilty and hated that about myself.
You are in my thoughts and prayers. Without a doubt I will be sending you lots of prayers and baby dust!!! I know you will feel very much like you are on a roller coaster ride, but hang in there. Take it one day at a time and remember not to put too much pressure on your self. I had to agonize over months of ttc as well so I can definitely relate. With my last two pregnancies I was very fortunate to have a proactive OBGYN. Because it was taking us a long time ttc, she intervened and sent us to a Reproductive Endocrinologist as soon as we gave her the green light. With some fertility support we were able to conceive quicker and monitor the embryos very early on.
Big (((Hugs))) to you too!!! I'm so sorry you have the dread of December coming along with the due date. I know how hard it is. I've been there myself:( I will share with you that though the due date milestone is one of the hardest, once it comes, you will feel a sense of calming. You'll prove to yourself that you too can survive it. If you can bring yourself to do it, try something special that day like releasing balloons or something to honor your baby.
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