7 year old daughter out of control!

[momofthree1]

I have a 7 year old daughter who is borderline add/adhd. The doctor she is seeing has put her on a medicine called Focalin. She started out at the lowest dose, 5 mg. She is now taking 15 mg. The strange thing is, when she first started taking this medicine, things seemed to be going better. The doctor changed it to 15 mg last month, and it seemed as though it was completely taken away. Instead of the increase helping her, it seemed to all of us that we were back to square one. She saw the doctor again last week. I told her I felt this way about the increase, but she insisted that it was best to keep her on the 15 mg of Focalin for another couple of weeks, then take her back again. She started school on Tuesday of this week. It took her over an hour to complete three small problems for homework. I have to constantly nag her. My husband yells at her, but I do as well. It is so hard not to get mad at her. I have a son that will soon be 3, and a baby due in December. We are at our wit's end! I just want to throw up my hands and give up, but I know this would not be the best for any of us. Are any of you dealing with the same thing? And how do you keep your cool when trying to do things like eat dinner or do homework with the child? Any advice will be greatly appreciated! TIA!

[momofthree1]

Well, when I had her, we lived with my parents. They made me feel bad when it was time for us to move out, and talked me into letting them keep her on church nights so that she can go to church, and they get their grandparent's time. So this is not good for her? I need to find meone to tell them that! They pull the guilt trip on me. As far as the doctor goes, she doesn't listen the way I feel she should. We go back tomorrow. My husband will go with us. I will ask her to change the med. Like I said, Focalin was fine at first. Her first grade teacher bragged on her after she started taking it. It is just not doing the trick anymore. We have been watching our yelling, and I have to admit, it is quieter around here. She has sat down with me for the past two days and gotten her homework done in less than an hour. She has good days and bad days, as we all do. As far as her brother, she is very mean to him. She is constantly pushing, pulling, hitting, or spitting on him! It is hard to tell her how good she is to him when she is doing these things. If we go somewhere, we know she is doing something to him, because he says "Stop it, sissy!" But of course if we don't see it, she says he is just trying to get her in trouble. She does have self esteem issues, and we praise her alot, even when she shouldn't get it, but she is very rude to her brother, and I can't praise her for this, or should I? I am hoping that when this new baby comes, I can make our routine seem to stay the same. Thank you so much again for your advice. Sometimes, it is better to turn to a stranger for help! Off to the library for us!

[portuguese mom]

Barkley is an expert doctor and writer about ADD and ADHD.  You can check out his books at the library.
Sorry about the issues that you are having. Takes alot of patients to manage an ADHD child, even borderline. (1) It appears to me, and I am not an expert, that Focalin is not working. I am surprised that your doctor tried Focalin first given that this medicine is not the first that most doctors try.  Most doctors usually start with Ritalin or Metadate CD.  These medicines have a higher probability of working.  Go to your doctor and ask for Metadate CD (it is smoother than Ritalin in its distribution).  (2) Make sure that you have the right doctor.  If the mom tells the doctor that the medicine is not working, the doctor needs to listen. (3) Kids with ADD and ADHD do not do well with changes in the routine. I am not sure why your daughter is staying at grandparents twice per week.  Her schedule needs to be the same every day.  She should go to bed at 7:30PM every day in the same bed. She should do her homework every day at the same time. ADD kids have a hard time with predicting what comes next and need a stable schedule without surprises. (4) Do not yell at her. Yelling and punishment do not work for these children. Rewards work better. Get a book called SOS Help for Parents by Lynn Clark and follow it. (5) Give her vitamins and Omega 6 fish oil. (6) Plenty of sleep every night (7) Clean diet (no sugar, no processed food, no food with chemicals or dye and no perservatives in her food (8) Help her with the homework. If you can not, hire a tutor (do not yell). Kumon is a great resource, so that she does not fall behind. (9) Be positive. Tell her how great she is and what a good sister she is to her sibling. Reward her for being a good sibling. Good luck.

[momofthree1]

I do feel for you! I would be nuts with all that! She doesn't get up from the table. She just won't pay attention long enough to get it done, and done right. It is hard not to constantly yell at her to get it done. She is constantly doing something to her little brother to make him tell her to stop. She gets plenty of attention from me and her daddy, and the grandparents. In fact, both of my kids go to church on Wednesday and sunday with the grandparents, so they stay all night on those nights. I have threatened to keep her home those nights but my mom says "Why punish us? We didn't do anything?" So it is a fight on that end. As far as Berkeley's method, what is that? I would almost try anything at this point, seeing as how we are having another one in December. I would like to have things at least a little under control by then. Thank you so much for reminding me that no matter what, there is still someone who has it harder than myself. You gave me inspiration, in that you don't seem to give up. Thanks again!

[SueNYC]

Barkley can be summd up with the grandma rule - no dessert until you eat your vegetables.  

[SueNYC]

We went through several meds with my son - and they all failed.  My dughter is on Aderall - which works well for her.  And don't be afraid to speak up - after two weeks you know if it is working or not - I usally know on day one.  Have strength - he went to one of the foremost experts in the country and on a scale of 1 to 10 - he was 11. On some of his executive functioning tests he is in the single digits percentage wise.   We have three kids - all less than a year apart - so I understand the stress thing.  We went to parent training for a year and a half using Berkeley's method and it worked.  My youngest (now 7) ended up with ADHD and Tourettes - and we had to face it all over again (and she never stops talking).  It is like living with two jumping jacks who never seem to sleep.

Even though he was kicked out of public school for being too ADHD (he was a straight A student) but he used to leave the classroom and take walks for himself in NYC among other things.  Now he is at a private school that costs 60K a year (paid for by the state - not us).  We spend hours upon hours doing homework that would take 20 minutes to complete when he is in the mood - and yes we drag his rear end to the table all day long.  We cancelled cable TV (they didn't die) and enrolled them in Kumon ( a Japanese method of instructing kids in math and reading) which added another 1/2 hour to a hour a day on the homework) but surprise surprise - the Asians have this one right - homework before anything else.  If you don't have a Kumon center near you - they sell the workbooks.  Don't give up - drag her back to the table again and again - don't be the 75% of ADHD kids that are having trouble in school - be the 25% that are doing well.  I admit - Monday through Friday our life absolutely, totally ***** - and when they haven't finished their work, Saturday ***** too.   But at least our kids are not a behavioral nightmare and doing poorly in school too - one I could handle - two would throw me over the edge.  In fact, both of my ADHD kids are taking the John Hopkins test this month - unfortunately, it is the hand we were dealt.

The best thing about no TV - it is such a treat to go to grandma's house and watch Hannah Montana.