Advice.

[jk082288]

I’m tired of being tired. I sick of being scared. When I take an ADHD stimulant medication, the anxiety is reduced, for an hour, maybe two. Is the anxiety really gone? I’m still grinding my tongue on my bottom teeth. I’m probably just focused on non useful tasks. The tasks include: obsessive internet surfing, looking for home businesses (which I honestly believe will work, and may, but with an unusually high confidence. This is due to, in my opinion, a false sense of confidence, or; the lowering of whatever makes me cautious. Without a stimulant (amphetamine), I am depressed. I am strong willed, but even after 5 months of not taking anything, I still had anxiety and depression. This being said however, not the same anxiety that I experience with Adder all. Kind of, but not. Again, however; the anxiety I face without anything is still not a “normal” human, or “me” type of feeling. Period. It just isn’t. I realize it’s most likely whatever symptoms depression and anxiety are described as. This depression/anxiety has been worsened due to choices INCLUDING and not limited to the described ADHD medications. I say it like that because I felt as ****** without the medications as I did with them. Also as described, without anything, I feel A DIFFERENT FEELING OF ******. In other terms, I feel different symptoms of depression and anxiousness. The symptoms experienced without foreign substances are not the normal human feelings. I realize my body is or may be trying to adjust and get back to a homeostasis state. Can it (my body/brain) not adjust? Antidepressants DO NOT WORK. They don’t. Period. I am to the point where I take the ADHD stimulants, (VYVANSE - 70 mgX1 or 2, or 3 during the day) and/or Amphetamine salts 30mg. This is obvious signs of drug addiction/dependency/abuse. I know. Again - Without ADHD medications or antidepressants I still feel as terrible as I do while taking the ADHD medications.
I understand this seems like I am being impossible, but I really cannot help but express what I have been feeling and thinking for the past who knows how long. Everything I say is completely true.

“What people often underestimate is the complexity of drug addiction.”

[theotterone]

Antidepressants, unlike stimulant medication, can take 6-8 weeks to build in your system enough to see a difference.  I have been on antidepressants/anti-anxiety medications since I was 16 (I am 34 now).  I have also gone through many medication changes and found out with a blood test that I high metabolize antidepressants.  This means I have to be on a controlled release version or I just burn up the medication.  Just recently I was diagnosed ADD and started Adderall (adderrall).  My anxiety too has gone down.  Not totally away but it is much better now that I can slow my brain down.  

It is ok if you have to be on medications to manage your symptoms.  Many of us still hold the view that if there is a mental condition, we can "think or reason" our way out of it.  

The reality is there is a physical imbalance with the chemicals in the brain.  I compare it to being gestational diabetic.  When I was pregnant with my daughters, the pregnancy hormones interfered with my ability to produce insulin.  Because of this, I had excess glucose in my system I couldn't convert to my body.  The girls could at about 5 months gestation and grew very large.  I had to give myself shots of insulin with both and watch my blood sugar and diet.  I couldn't "think or reason" it gone.  It helped that I was also responsible for another person's health through my own body, so it was easier to accept.

Once I had gone through this, I realized my brain has a problem producing chemicals that "normal" people have within normal levels.   If I need medical help to assist in controlling the symptoms of depression/anxiety/ADD, and if they help me control my reactions, then it is not so much as an addiction as supplementing my body chemistry with something it needs.  

What you said is YOUR truth, and I am not saying it is invalid in any way.  I do want to encourage you to keep trying.  It takes time to get the right medications and dosages to get you where you want to be.  Medication is not the only answer, but it can help with behavioral therapy.  I am having a hard time with the fact my focus is better, but my skills and ability to have some sort of control over my ADD symptoms is novice at best.  

I do know that working with a psychiatrist who I have gotten to know for the last decade and have a great and honest relationship with has helped greatly.  He listens and takes my concerns into consideration and makes me a partner in my medication management.  You can get there, there are things that will work even if they are not "traditional".  My doctor has recommended things to complement my medication, like meditation, not just relying on the medication itself to do it all.

If I can be of any help with what I have experienced, please feel free to contact me.  I have been where you are and while I will not claim to know how YOU feel exactly, I can empathize and sympathize.