At my wits end with my 9 y/o (ADHD/ODD) JUST VENTING!!

[wildflower77]

First of all, my 9 y/o daughter, Nikki, was diagnosed in kindergarten with ADHD and recently diagnosed with ODD as well.  She is on Daytrana 20 mg and has been for about 3 years now.  

She has always gotten straight A's until this year (4th grade) and her attitude has gotten MUCH worse.  She has always had a problem keeping her room clean - and I mean clean, like I find rotting food under her bed and dresser and the carpet smells so bad it needs to be ripped out, not clean as in neat and tidy.  She doesn't do neat and tidy either, but I can understand that because of her ADHD.  

Just a little bit ago, her friend from next door called.  While Nikki was on the phone with her friend I told her she is not going anywhere or doing anything until her room is clean and she loses her attitude with me.  The next thing I know, Nikki's friend walks in the door.  I had to send her home and Nikki comes out of the room saying "thanks a lot mom!" like it's my damn fault!!  I am about to lose my temper with her.  I have tried holding back about as much as I can, but she's not even trying to get along with me.

[wildflower77]

Her psychiatrist has increased her dose to 30mg, we just haven't started it yet.  We're going to do that on Christmas break so that we can monitor her ourselves before sending her off to school with the higher dose.  I do plan on talking to her teacher and counselor about setting up an IEP, it's just finding the time to do it as I work full time.  I know it's a priority.  Also, I do her math homework with her every night and have realized her problem is not that she doesn't understand, it's that she still seems to think she's smarter than everyone else and can do things her own way.  Problem with her way is it's usually the wrong way.  Her teacher makes the whole class write down examples of the math problems and she is supposed to keep them to refer to when doing her homework.  She doesn't seem to think she needs them and leaves them at school all the time.  Same with her spelling words.  She's not used to having to actually study because before now it all came naturally.  I've talked to her about it and tried to explain that this year is different and she has more responsibilities, but it goes in one ear and out the other.  I'm not giving up, though.  Thanks!!

[Sandman2]

    I agree with everything Specialmom has said.  I am a little worried about school.  You said that, She has always gotten straight A's until this year (4th grade)".  The curriculum gets tougher in 4th grade - especially math.  You can't afford to let her fall behind in math because it will affect her the rest of her school career.  Get her extra help.  
   Also if she has been of the same dose of Daytrana for 3 years, it is very possible that it is no longer as effective as it once was due to her size increase.  Do let her doctor know your concerns!





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[wildflower77]

LOL no I don't think you're crazy.  The scheduled "cleaning time" sounds like it could work as long as something doesn't interfere with our schedule.  Our weekends are pretty busy.  I usually don't like to leave the house on the weekends until it's clean and everything is put away anyway.  That way when we come home everyone can relax and do what they wish.  As far as the negative discipline, we stopped doing that a long time ago at the advice of her counselor.  The stuff does have to be earned back, however.  I'm not just going to give it back to her.  I consider her earning it back part of the positive reinforcement.  Thanks for the advice, I will keep all of it in mind.

[specialmom]

Sounds stressful . . . okay  . . . first, I'd take the punishment part away. That is a negative form of trying to teach her and help her learn about responsibility.  I'd switch it to posative reinforcement instead.  I'd make it a ROUTINE that once a week on say Saturday morning that it is room cleaning day.  You help her in the begining.  I know it sounds like you've tried and I'm sure you have . . . but I would just start with the baby step of a written schedule of time on Saturdays and the first thing after breakfast is room cleaning (or whenever).  I'd have it be the same with any siblings.  Change sheets, shovel out the junk, put things in their place, dust and vacuum.  Once a week, rain or shine-----  the kids do this.  As she has difficulty with it, you help her even though you rotate to the kids rooms so they don't think she is getting special treatment.  I think for kids like your daughter (and my son . . .okay, and me) routines really help.  Even though it will get bad in between-----  once a week it gets a good cleaning.  As far as your first post about food under the bed-----  set up a FIRM rule that no food or drink is allowed in the bedrooms (besides a glass of water).  Really, no food should need to be eaten in a bedroom anyway.  We have that rule----  no food or drink is allowed upstairs at all (besides, like I said water).  

So then I would do a reward chart.  I know she has add and odd-----  but most kids like posative reinforcement.  She can earn a special outing with you or to watch a video with you of her choice, whatever.  Something that she gets to pick as an outing.  

Some people by nature are super messy.  (I was a therapist for almost 20 years)----  it causes great stress in a person.   I had people come to me and during the course of therapy they would talk about how they couldn't clean up after themselves.  I've decided that disorder or not, some people are born this way.   What seemed to help the most for those in my care was that routine.  "Every sunday afternoon for 3 hours I will clean.  I'll do the bathrooms, I'll put away the accumulated stuff, I'll mop the floor", etc.  But if they counted on that period of time for scheduled cleaning-----  they were more apt to do it.  

Lastly, what about every single night say 15 minutes before you start the bedtime stuff----  everyone plays the pick up game.  See what they can put away for 15 minutes.  Play music, blow a whistle, time it and kind of make it fun.  

Do you think I'm crazy?  I swear, it is the little things that can help.  Anyway, I wish you luck.

[wildflower77]

No, she doesn't really have any OCD tendencies except for nail biting, but I think that's the ADHD.  Her father and I both have helped her clean her room and I've even gone as far as making her a list that she is to follow step-by-step.  It's clean one day and within 24 hours it's destroyed again.  I have reminders everywhere to put things in their place, stay focused, don't make excuses, etc..  We have cleaned out her toys to bare minimum and she always find some way to make a huge mess.  Then she refuses to clean it up.  I have also taken away several toys including her Gameboy which I've had for several months and she has not been able to earn back.

[specialmom]

It is really hard, I know.  I have an idea.  As her room is overwhelming to you-----  it probably feels that way to her as well.  What about doing one of two things . . . have a really chipper attitude yourself and say "today is the day we are going to fix up your room!!"  And then you work on it WITH her.  Probably gross and no, you didn't make the mess.  But the help you provide can keep her on track to getting it done.  The other idea is the same thing basically but you supervise by saying I will stay with you and give you some verbal help through it.  

I just think that it can be so overwhelming and visually difficult that she might get stuck.  Does your daughter have any ocd issues, by the way?  
Good luck!