Freak?

[RMUK]

Hi all, I'll try to keep this brief.

I'm a 23 year old male who, at the moment, and for the past 4-5 years has been completely 'lost'. By lost, I mean - I have had no self motivation, guidance or desire to achieve anything associated with what people would call a 'normal' adulthood.

Jobs, I rarely have them and when I do, I inevitably lose them. I lose interest in the work, or I don't get on with co-workers. I usually feel like they're plotting against me or mocking me when I'm not there. Social paranoia? I have no reason to think they would be doing this - I do the work, I'm a normal looking - basically there's not much for them 'mock', it's just the feeling I have. Or I'll end up missing days and getting fired. The reason? Outside of work, when I'm not forced into social situations, I am a complete weirdo - it may sound funny but that is the only way to accurately describe myself.

Firstly, I haven't much family left - just 2 siblings who I love very much, but would never tell them this because I avoid emotional attachment as much as possible. Why? Fear of losing them? Inability to express emotion? From my own self analysis it seems to be both. I consider myself to be compassionate, which is why I adopted a vegetarian diet some years ago - and I do feel an overwhelming empathy for animals, but I cannot extend this feeling to people.

When I'm unemployed, my life really starts to come apart. I barely eat, and when I do, I eat junk. No hot meals, barely anything healthy. Usually toast and coffee. I have no routine, so my sleep patterns become a complete mess. I end up having mild auditory and visual hallucinations from tiredness on some days. If I'm alone in the house, I'll keep the lights on and run everywhere - I have this horrific paranoid feeling that I'm constantly being watched by some kind of evil presence - I know, even as I write this I find it absurd, but when it happens it really isn't funny.

I have very little human interaction, my friends are few and far between and I see them once every 3-4 months usually. I basically try to avoid people as much as I can. I barely leave my room, let alone the house.

Habitually, I have no dependencies. I smoke about 20 a day and drink a lot of coffee.

There are a lot of other "symptoms", but I wouldn't bore anyone with listing every little thing that is going on in my head. The basic summary is that I'm a no hoper with no sense of direction and an inability to motivate myself. I idolise dead musicians and shut myself off from real world responsibilties. Even though I see and acknowledge these things, I can't change this personality - I've tried, but have now accepted it's the way I am. Some would say I need a good kick to sort myself out, and I'd agree completely - I just don't think it would help at all.

Do these sound like 'symptoms' of anyone who has been disagnosed with a mental illness? I've never been to the doctor apart for some trivial things.

Thanks

[specialmom]

Yes, life could be worse but ya know what . . .it could be a whole lot better too.  Understand that a chemical imbalance is making the idea of taking action seem much harder and overwhelming.  I there is a wait for services, get on that list now.  A psychiatrist is the first place to start and you simply can print off what you've written here for a start as to what to tell them.  They will ask you many questions as well to fine tune your diagnosis and I'm guessing you will have a mixed bag of things.  This is not BAD news------  this is good news because I think you will be able to be treated and feel better.  Then you can see more clearly where you want to go in life.  They most likely will suggest talk therapy with a psychologist as well and this is very helpful.  They can give you coping strategies, help you make plans for improving things in your life, help you with those relationship stumbling blocks, and talk you through when you might get derailed from the goal.  They are like your own private cheering squad ready to help you.  (I speak from experience).  Anyway, you may not be dying of cancer (thank goodness!) but you have a chance to significantly improve your life and be happier.  Good luck------  you deserve happiness!

[RMUK]

Thanks so much for taking the time to read about my plight and for giving an understanding response. You're absolutely right about all of the suggestions you wrote and I'm trying, daily, to get things in order and to get a grip of myself. I'm from the UK, so fortunately there aren't many medical costs involved depending on the type of treatment - but I feel like I'd have a hard time arranging to even see someone who could help me, let alone explain my situation to them. I have to say that spending time on here, reading posts by cancer sufferers and people with other grave illnesses has given me a jolt. Although the state of my mental health isn't too great, I can appreciate that life could be much worse - it seems almost embarassing that I complain about my problem when others are suffering from life threatening illness.

Thanks again

[specialmom]

First, please don't call yourself a freak!  That hurts my feelings for you!  I would say you have a complicated situation going on.  Different things could be occuring-----  social anxiety is real and can be debilitating.  Disassociation from others is real and debilitating.  And these paranoid feelings have me worried.  All could be a chemical imbalance in the brain.  I don't want to "diagnose" you here-----  but do think that a professional is in order.  A psychiatrist first off that can look at these symptoms piece by piece would be so important.  It sounds like you may not have insurance . . .and that is a problem with no work or money to pay for services or medication.  I'm going to make a suggestion and this is a leap of faith on your part that I know what I'm talking about and that you need to do this to join the world again.  Set up a meeting with your siblings.  Tell them all of which is going on in an honest and business like manner.  Then you have two options.  You find a public clinic and see a primary care doctor there expressing all of these symptoms and how you can not function and try to get a referrel to a psychiatrist through their program.  There are not a lot of docs who work the clinic settings-----  but they are out there.  Your second option ----  and I know you will scream NO-----  is to take out a loan from one of your siblings to be used for this medical expense.  Sign a sheet that you will owe this sum back and have it notorized.  Then whether you are working or not, make a payment every month like clockwork.  (working it is a chunk, not working----  it is a small sum).  Of course, the third option is to get a job that has some insurance involved.  I think  you need to do something drastic as this problem will get worse.  For instance, say you have mild schizophrenia . . . that worsens and must be medicated.  Okay-----  enough said.  Good luck and life CAN be better.  

[RMUK]

Was supposed to keep it brief, sorry for the rambling