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How do I help my fiance stop smoking pot?

My fiance is on Adderall for ADHD and Humira for Psoriasis.  He does well on both meds but he smokes pot.  I don't and I want him to quit before we get married.  I did some research about negative effects of pot smoking and I discovered several potential health problems for him when pot is combined with his meds.  Pot impairs the immune system and his Humira is suppressing it.  Smoking pot can increase heart rate which his Adderall does as well.  That concerns me.  I have done a lot of reading about ADHD so I can be as supportive and understanding as possible, so I know that drug abuse can be common with ADHD.  On top of that, he's been smoking for ten years.  My question is this:  how do I overcome those obstacles and help him quit smoking while saving sanity on his and my end?  He tried quitting before and he was a nightmare.  It lasted two weeks.  Thanks for your help!
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757137 tn?1347196453
I have spent a good part of my life on Mars, pretty much unaware of what people around me were doing. I went to a party one night - the sort of party with CEO's, and lots of government dignitaries. But it was a party of friends, so everyone was relaxed and not looking over his shoulder. I knew many of the people but they seemed so different on that night - kind of slow-witted, boring and silly.

It was later that I learned everyone had been smoking pot. Well, as you can imagine, that was not a turn-on for me. From that day forward it had zero intrigue.

But I disagree with you about trying to change husbands. And I would get out the cast-iron skillet if my husband tried to change me. It has to do with independence and personal dignity. We must be doing something right - next month we will be married 50 years.
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Avatar universal
First off I can relate 100%, secondly mine did quit, well for the moment. Months pass on a regular bases and it wont cross his mind but if we go out to see friends and someone lights up… so does his craving and curiosity.

I don’t like pot it’s a personal preference but I don’t care of other people smoke pot, EXCEPT him. That is wrong of me to point him out like that, and then I learned to hate pot because of how he acted on it. He become stupid and annoying and he started hanging out with a few people that I believed would only make him worse of a man. Sounds like I am complaining and talking about a punk *** kid, I know but that’s why I hated it. It changed what I thought of him, NOT who he was. Again I had the problem with pot, not him…but he quit because he TRIED to make me happier.

Now he is back to not smoking, medicated yes for other reasons and well has a very addictive personality. His drug of choice was pot, sex, poker, and exercise and now it’s XBOX.  Let’s be real here, you will always fight that battle with him, the one who has to change is you. Don’t think I am negative, please understand. Do you love him? Does he make you happy? What would make you happier? What if he quit smoking but replaced it with something else? How would you deal with that replacement?  

I am a true believer in, “I would rather go to battle with someone I know - fighting against something I knew all too well, than go to war with the unknown.”

Change is something you earn, be supportive and keep telling him how much it bothers you. Sooner than you think he will make that step. Be supportive.
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Avatar universal
That was a horrible comment to leave her.  You're emotional and judgmental, she is merely trying to help her fiance for his sake. If he truly needed the pot, a doctor would have prescribed medicinal marijuana. Since he takes his Adderall more than prescribed this screams 'addiction tendencies' which is more than likely an emotional/mental issue. Shame on you for attacking her for wanting the best for her loved one. Seeking help does not welcome attacks. Anyone who just accepts someone's damaging flaws is only asking for severe heartbreak and she will be sacrificing her life. There are characteristic faults and quirks that are acceptable, not flat out addiction. Finding a compromise in a situation like this is key if someone truly loves the other person.
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757137 tn?1347196453
I don't know what makes you an "expert in marital bliss." You find most people "disgusting." That does't sound like the road to bliss to me.

All marriages are different. no spouses are perfect and all can be annoying at times. Presuming there are no evils involved, you have to accept them as they are. My husband can be a pain in the neck, but he is my pain in the neck, and has been for almost 50 years. We are happily married, but am I an expert in marital bliss? No. The only marriage I understand is mine. You are only 29. I am 82. How did you get so clever in so short a time?

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Avatar universal
also to other commentators in todays society we have taken a really bad idea upon ourselves, which is to accept everyone as they are and never ever hint at improvement etc...

I can say that this idea and perspectives connected with it have caused a very severe social damage to modern society.

Most people are truly disgusting people. If we instead took the approach of caring for each other and pointing out where we can improve - Everyone would be looking at their faults and fixing them and  growing as a result.

But we developed this paralysis for admitting anything being wrong!

  I can tell you this as an expert in Marital bliss: Marriage is not based on you spotting the errors in your spouse and calling them out or seeing their errors and accepting it as them. Marriage is based on you looking at YOUR OWN faults, and working to improve them. While you look at your spouse and see what you can do to give to them!

   This is successful marriage 102.

The idea of 'changing' someone else is strange. People need to change themselves and leave the disaster causing theory of "accept me as I am" where it belongs in the sewer!
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Avatar universal

Hello I have something to add here that has good value.

First I'm married for 4 years, I have 3 young kids, and I've been a smoker mostly for the last 10 years. In the beginning of our marriage I stopped smoking, but as time went by my untreated ADHD was getting aggressive and I found weed to calm it down.

  Now a few years later, I have re-discovered my ADHD, and it being why I feel I need weed so much more than all my long term smoker friends who mostly quit. At the same time I am looking at the negative effects and my wife hates weed as well and wants me to quit.

   So I have been looking at alternatives and life after weed.

   The truth is that I do not want to smoke smoking, but my wife does want me to stop, and I do not like the negative effects like loss of short term memory etc... I find that as many times as I try to quit, I go back. Also my wife, who has never smoked before, decided she doesnt like it - no reason specifically but just she doesnt like it...

   As a result of my wife really wanting me to quit, it makes me want to quit in a way, but in another way the pressure from my wife makes me grab the weed harder...

   It could very well be, that if your fiance finds that weed is good for him, and sees nothing wrong with it he is not going to quit cause you told him to do that. For you its like if we told you to stop using 1 eye or 1 ear, or to do something that seems like a bigger loss then a benefit. Your fiance is not ready to quit, and the more pressure you put the more its weed or me you put, you sabotage his ability to succeed.

  now that doesn't mean to embrace his smoking, but you must be on the same side as him. He has to discover he doesnt want it for himself. This is not something like getting your partner to do something that irriates you, for him its a major change that probably scares him...

With all that being said I am finally about to quit and this makes it happen:
http://www.quit-weed.com/ I actually bought the package for 50 and its worth it. 20 pages into the main document I felt a new perspective about weed that has helped me to look positively at life after weed.

My suggestion therefore is: ease up on your fiance, tell him that you decided its wrong for you to be so adament about something which you know he feels very strongly about. And you want to just be there with him. As times come up with you see the negative effect from the weed, you should gently help him to see the negative. But don't nag, and don't criticize, you will drive him to even more weed smoking.

However tell him that another husband who is quitting can relate to both you and him and I say you should leave him alone about his smoking, but at the same time he should investigate what he is getting and see if there is something else he can use. The quitting weed program must be done by your own desire. It says so in the material - if you want to smoke right now, then go out and smoke! Continue down the path you have gone until today...

good luck

Helpful - 0
757137 tn?1347196453
By the way, pot is't all bad. I tried it once and it certainly calmed my asthma. I didn't stick with it because I don't know how to get hold of it and I don't like the smell anyway.
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757137 tn?1347196453
I haven't read the other replies, so I am answering cold.

Never plan on changing a person. Not only is it virtually impossible, it is also unreasonable. He is who he is, and has a right to be who he is (for better or for worse) and if you don't like him that way, then leave him.
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Avatar universal
you are a nasty person and I hope your fiance leaves you!
after saying that...stop trying to change him or anyone!!!!!! Someone who is on adderrall and humira like people i treat NEED POT 100x more than the average joe. It is not to get high but to control side effects of these "prescribed drugs". If you want to concentrate on eliminating something it should first be the adderrall.  He probably wont want to smoke as much when he is off. If he is reading this, i hope you find someone who accepts you for who you are. There are plenty of woman out there who would support you!!!!!!!!!!
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Avatar universal
To many times in our society we are to understanding. Everybody has a hard time with something and many times we label people and let them do destructive things to themselves and our selves because of that label. In the end smoking pot or doing drugs is harmfull to the person doing it and the people around them. We need to stop telling our selves we need to help them and realize they NEED to help themselves at some point. As an observer you can only do so much and many times loved ones give everything they have and then have nothing because the behavior does not stop. If you plan to marry somebody you must trust that they will do everything they need to do to get better, obviously you are helping them and conserned, they could not ask for better. My question to you is why are you asking for help for him and not him, how come it does not say How can I quit smoking pot? Best of luck. I to am a person who has tried to save somebody from a habit and had to realize eventually they will or they wont decide to be better on there own.
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Avatar universal
I appreciate the comment.  I don't have issues with people who smoke pot; that's a personal choice.  I personally choose not to for various reasons.  I can't agree to marry someone who does.  I can't see having children and telling them not to do it "when Daddy does it".  In his case I also feel that he has drug problems.  I have to keep his Adderall because he takes alot more than the prescribed dosage when he has it himself and he smokes alot of pot.  He wants a better job and has all these life plans but he can't succeed at most of them unless he quits.  He agrees he NEEDS to quit but doesn't WANT to quit.  I have learned to handle his ADHD.  In a many ways it makes him a lot of fun and he is very creative so it really isn't so bad at all.  It just took some time and patience to recognize what was ADHD behavior and what wasn't so I could properly understand him.  The pot is the one thing I can't get past, can compromise on, and can't live with.  It goes or I go.  But I saying it like that starts arguments and doesn't solve anything.  I want to help him.    
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