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How to deal with it.
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How to deal with it.

Hello.
My name is Tilly and I am 14 years old.
In December 2012, I was told I have Asperger's syndrome.
It isn't the most severe case in the world, but I do have my problems.  I have to sit at the end of the table, can't use a knife unless it is vital to actually pick up some food, I can't have too much stuff around me, can't wear vests, find it hard to concentrate in lessons when too many people are talking, get stressed out when things don't go my way, have to keep my things in certain places and can't have any of my food touching on my plate. I am extremely good at picking up languages and new vocabulary and am lucky to be able to play the piano extremely well. But I also find it so hard to socialize. I luckily have quite a few BEST friends, and lots of people who I am friendly with, but quite a lot of people hate me. I find it hard to talk to people I don't really know. I find adults more friendly than other teenagers, and I prefer spending my time with those who are younger than me,(it ranges from 5 - 12). I find it so much easier to speak to them and they seem to understand me more, and know what I mean. Adults don't understand me as much, but I would rather talk to them than children of my own age group. I have an extremely close relationship with my cat, and I feel that he is the only person who I love and loves me. I would rather spend the evening, cuddling my cat and watching TV, than spending an evening with my friends for example.
People think it is weird how much I enjoy spending time with my cat and that he is like my best friend. I know it sounds stupid, but please carry on reading.
I don't get on with my mother, and we rarely see eye to eye, and she thinks I am rather odd for not liking things a neurotypical teenager would like. All my friends have had boyfriends and kissed a boy etc, and I'm constantly teased for being "frigid".
Because of all this, I have started to become depressed. I am a freak, fat, ugly and really quite dumb. All my friends seem so much cooler, prettier, more intelligent, although my parents tell me I'm exceptionally bright, I'm terrible at sport and really weird. I started to cut to make myself saner. I get so stressed out in lessons because I honestly cannot cope or concentrate that I have to leave, and cut myself with my compass in the toilets because it almost brings me back to Earth. I have considered suicide many a time, so many different ways. I have tried to puke up my guts of all the food I eat, but it so far hasn't helped.
I can't tell my mum or dad about how I feel or about my cutting, because they think that stuff is absolutely ridiculous and they would kill me. I don't want to tell a friend, because they all think I'm weird as it is.
My parents think that giving me my diagnosis has made me accept myself for being different, but it hasn't. I always felt like I was different and weird. But now I know, I feel so much worse about myself. Because that means there is something wrong with me. It makes me feel like a freak :(
I am so ashamed in what I have and how I feel, and I really need help. Where can I get help? It can't be something that my parents will find about, or the school, but I was wondering are there any websites that could help me, or any techniques I could use to feel better about it?
Thank you so much for any help, it is so much appreciated.
Tilly
6 Comments Post a Comment
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Avatar_m_tn
   Hi Tilly,  I wanted to get back to you so you would not think that you are being ignored.  This will take some work and I am reaching out to some others that I know for their expertise.
    Just a couple of quick thoughts for right now.
I taught 8th grade for years and you are about the right age for that.  I am wondering if that is the grade you are in?  One reason for asking is that the counselors at the school would know you.  If you are in high school, you are pretty much  unknown to them, because you would be so new.  And that gets to where you said the school can't know.  I don't quite understand.  I know that the counselors at my old school would have gone out of their way to provide some help for you.  But maybe you are not lucky enough to have that kind of support?  So I am wondering about your reasoning for the school not knowing?
    And I do know from (once again) years of working with 14 year old girls, that at least some of what you are going through is kind of typical for that age group.  Doesn't make it any easier for you.  Add the Aspergers on top of that and its a really hard combination to deal with.  I can totally understand why you would feel overwhelmed.  
    What I do know is that you are not "quite dumb".  You have written a very intelligent post.  I am wondering though about your statement that you can't concentrate in class.  If this is something that has actually gone on for years (perhaps more so in math), then not just when you are stressed.  It could be that you also have ADD.   In fact, for intelligent people, its typically about the time that Algebra rears its ugly head - that the world begans to really fall apart.  And ADD would explain the anxiety and depression.  Plus, its really hard to diagnose.   Anyway, take a look at this link on the symptoms - http://www.help4adhd.org/about/what/WWK8
    And if it does sound possible, then you might want to check out this adult website on ADD.  It will give you a feeling for what other people are wrestling with.  The site is - http://jeffsaddmind.com/for-first-time-visitors
    I am wondering why you chose to post to the ADHD site as we also have autism and aspergers sites.  Do you suspect something like ADD?
    And by the way, this is an interesting link from the Aspergers site - http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Aspergers-Syndrome/18year-old-son/show/1907776 .     I mention it because the answer to the post, the response mentions how important it is to teach or try to teach those things that just don't come natural to someone with Aspergers.  Are you getting any help like that?
   Point being that it seems like you may a have couple of things going on.  And the problem is these are NOT things that you necessarily want to handle alone.  You got your diagnosis for aspergers.  Did anything come with that?  Are you getting any professional help?  Or is it like, "hey, you had a stroke - now teach yourself how to walk again?"
    I really hope that some of this helps a bit.  I can certainly help with anything that could be AD/HD related.  Hopefully, I can reach out to a few other members for their support also.  
    And, do let me know what is going on with your school situation.  Many times they can be much more helpful than anything else.  Best wishes.
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Avatar_n_tn
Thank you so much for getting back to me :)
I accidentally clicked the wrong thing I think, because I had meant to select Asperger's...
I am in England, so I'm in year 9 at school so I've been here for 2 and a bit years now.
I can't let the school know because, they will want to talk to my parents and I really don't want them to find out.
Thank you for saying that my post seems intelligent, I really appreciated that :)
I can't concentrate in classes due to the level of noise etc, when there are too many conversations going on I just switch off. I am getting some help and it is helping a bit, but it is mostly the other teenagers that are my problem.
I have been bullied before and have gone to the school about it and it helped a bit, but not enough to make it stop completely, (and the school contacted my parents)
I can deal with them at the time and tell them (not always using the politest  language) to leave me alone, yet it is the aftermath that upsets me.
Thank you so much for your support and actually seeming interested in my situation, as so many people just don't care how you feel anymore.
I don't think I have ADHD or ADD, because a symptom of Asperger's syndrome is not being able to concentrate when other things are going on, so I don't think I do, but thank you for giving me the website so I could have a look :)
Tilly
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136956_tn?1363091289
Tilly I first want to say I love your name :)

I don't know if I have aspergers myself but I have always felt like something was not right with me and that I was different from everyone else. I have a lot of the aspie traits and so does my daughter who is 10.

I know what it is like to feel different it is not fun at all. I can't believe you are only 14 yrs old as you so sound so much older and I don't think at that age I would have been able to vent my frustrations in a way you have without anger.

What grade where you in when they called your parents? I think in high school there is some confidentiality thing that they can't. High school is different and I am almost positive that you can go in to talk to your guidance counselor and tell them that you don't want it relayed to your parents.

I am 35 yrs old now but I was bullied a lot as well because I was different and I would respond in a nice so way as well because I didn't know what to do. I never did good in school because of the distractions as well. I just could not focus. I have sensory issues big time and noises, touching, smelling etc just drove me to insanity.

If I could go back in time and do it all over again this is what I would change.

I would have not cared what people thought because the people who really care would not make fun of you and would be there for you.

I would have taken advantage of talking to my counselor more because I truly felt so alone during those times.

I would have educated my parents about the things I was going through, however you like myself don't have and didnt have that kind of relationship.

Do you have aunts or uncles that you are close to?

Parents don't like to think that there is anything wrong with their children and if there is and they can't fix it, it bothers them and they tend to respond in ways that hurt us more than it helps us.

When you were diagnosed did the doctor explain to your parents what aspergers is and what comes along with it?

I have Endometriosis and I suffered with it for 17 yrs. I went to doctor after doctor, my mother never showed any interest nor did she come with me. She didn't seem to thing anything was wrong with me and that I should stop being lazy and depressed. "stop being depressed" "get over it" Well when I was finally diagnosed I thought it would make her realize and it didnt. It still doesnt and I am still looking for validation from her and understanding but I will never get that and I understand that now.

No one but people with aspergers understand your pain and what you are going through. So you love your cat A LOT!!! I love my dog she is my person. She is there for me when I am sad, when I am sick and when I am depressed. There is nothing wrong with that. It keeps us sane and not so alone.

Being a teenager is hard to begin with and to be a teenager with Aspergers is 100x harder. Schools are more in tuned to this now and I really think it would help if you could talk to someone. It doesn't have to be your parents but someone that understands aspergers and can be there for you when you need someone to talk to.

It is okay to feel the way you do trust me I have been there. I also self harmed myself as well and all i can tell you is please stop at least that. I am still recovering from my eating disorders since I was 14 and I have damaged my body and I have learned to depend on it and it has been really hard to stop doing. I understand that it makes you feel better trust me I do. I understand so much you don't understand. Don't make the same mistake I did with this.

You seem to me like an awesome person and friend. There are mean people all over this world but it doesn't mean you have to let it effect who you are and what you feel about yourself. They are winning and I can see that you are stronger than that. Don't hate yourself for what the world sees as different love yourself because you are who you are. When I feel down I find quotes about being awesome. I don't care anymore what people think of me. I am different, I am weird but I am a good person who cares about people. Inside I am a good person and that is all that matters.

Do you know where half of the people are that made fun of me or treated me like garbage? In jail, not successful, divorced etc. Does that make me feel good? Not really. I feel bad that these people wasted their lives hurting other people and now they have nothing.

Take one day at a time. When you are frustrated come on here and vent or take to twitter and vent. That is something i do. I have more support on twitter than I do at home or with my family and friends. It is so strange that strangers will support you because they understand what you are going through and sometimes that is all we need. Some one to get us. To understand our hurts.

Remember there is nothing wrong with you. There is a problem with society accepting people that are different.
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973741_tn?1342346373
Dear, I will say at the age of 14 that your parents absolutely should be involved.  It saddes me that you don't get along with them, however, you are a minor child and the guidence of parents is important.  I'm surprised that any doctor would discuss a diagnosis with you without your parents.  That would not happen in the United States.  This leads me to believe that it wasn't a doctor that diagnosed you.  Who told you this?  And based on what criteria did they use?  

I worry about depression mostly from the things you write.  I'm wondering if your school has a therapist/counselor for students?  This is someone to confide in regarding feelings of suicide, depression, even general sadness.  Even that you feel different.  

I will agree with Sandman that many kids your age and it seems especially girls have a difficult time.  Much of what you feel is part of the age.  But not when it gets to the area of thinking of suicide seriously.  Have you ever had a plan for how to do it?  

That is a medical emergency at that point.  I say that in all seriousness.  It's important to know that depression is treatable!  You don't have to feel this way!!  Brain chemistry is such that it can be corrected!!  And talk therapy helps so very much as well.  Cutting is an outcry of the depression.  Very serious to engage in this and leads to further issues.  

I, in all seriousness, feel you need intervention at this point.  And while talking to your mother seems hard----  this is the reality.  You do need a family member to get involved and help you,.  If your mother knew you were thinking about suicide, she'd want to help you dear.  But if you are not yet comfortable telling your mother, you need a trusted adult of some sort to confide in.   Then I go back to the therapist/counselor affiliated with your school.  

Feeling uncomfortable as you do makes me hope that you have some things that make you happy with yourself.  These are things to relish and embrace.  Accentuate the positives!!  And make them your passions.  

I think the adults posting here need to be very supportive of your getting support from your family.  Please do not take any 'horror' stories from others and what happened to them as what could happen to you. Give your mom a chance to support you.  At fourteen, this is so very important and while you doubt her, she may surprise you.  At fourteen, you are quite vulnerable and I will tell you that NO ONE loves you like your mom!!  

Self harm and cutting is very serious!!  Let no one downplay that as no big deal.  It certainly is.  Here is a resource to check out on cutting:
http://helpguide.org/mental/self_injury.htm
And another helpful resource:
http://kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/behavior/help_cutting.html

Here is some information on depression
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_teen_teenagers.htm
Here is a online support group for teens:
http://************.com/resources/Depression/Support_Groups/

Lots of luck dear.  Here if you need me and you can pm me anytime.  peace and luck to you sweetie!
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136956_tn?1363091289
Don't get me wrong I am not saying not to go to her parents. Sometimes you just can't and they don't listen. I was only speaking from experience. Some kids are scared and I get that and I tell them to talk to them first and foremost. If they are not getting the support they need at home, schools offer guidance counselors as well. Just to be able to talk to someone is the main thing and to work from there and to not feel alone and suffer from depression. Sorry if you misunderstood my intention of response.

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Avatar_n_tn
Thank you so much for all your help, I really appreciate it :)
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