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I believe i have APD
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I believe i have APD

hi my name is owen davies, and i am 18 years old and i believe i suffer with APD. and i was wondering if someone could help me out, because i didnt realize i had a problem upto now. But even though i understand i have a problem with this conditon i wouldn't hurt nobody or doing anything wrong to hurt anyone feelings. I have little remorse i do admit, i can tolerate physical pain, i suffer with depression and high axciety.. and can have constent out-bursts of anger over nothing. But i dont direct that anger towards love-one's never.. only when pushed, picked on or hit.. and when someone hits me i have no fear, to the degree of which scares me.. its like i have no control, but that is only when someone attacks me and backs me into a corner. I believe that this problem i have go's way back into my childhood i used to get bullied alot, never had a father or any main role model growing up.. and i used to get left alone when my mum and her bf (*now married*) used to go out for a drink. And since i feel the urge to let the skeltons out, i even got molested by my baby sitter at the age of 12. But even so with all this pain, all this burden, all this depression eating me up inside..i still can continue to communicate in a social way, laugh and have jokes go to pubs and clubbing.. but its always there eating me up inside you know and i just wanna know how to get rid ofit,and be free from my dark past.. i've heard a million times people saying "The past is the Past" Live for the moment but its kinda hard when i get flashbacks and bad dreams about getting hurt and bullied. So please reply back and share me your views and help meout. Please i dont want to be this person  
Tags: ADD, APD, help, Mental Health, Depression, Anxiety Disorder, antisocial personality disorde
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Hey man, i've had a lot of the same problems as you have.My dad used to make fun of me to motivate me. He called me fatass to lose weight, and lazy ****** to get me to go outside, just a couple of examples. My mom always tried to help, but since I had undiagnosed adhd at the time, neither really knew how to raise me.Looking back, both my parents know they didn't do the right thing, but since that's how they were raised, thats how they raised me. They've both apologized, but like you, I tend to still have anger in me. I went to the Marines, which helped me direct my anger immensely. Upon discharge, i was diagnosed twice with adhd because I knew some of the anger I still had wasnt me. I'd say hurtful things to my parents, making them cry, and that hurt me more than anything because I knew I that it wasnt the real me saying these things. Like you, i'd have outburst of anger, and that scared me also, especially after punching a solid door off it's hinges. I knew that if i did that to someone, i'd be in jail forever.I was put on paxil(which i DO NOT recommend.) I also have talked to a counselor that, like others, tells me to let the past go. But when you're made fun of at home and all day at school(for being fat and smart), it's hard to forget it all, especially when you have a memory like mine.All I can say is, be patient. Im 27, and have had to let ALOT go. i know the people that made fun of me at school were being typical kids and had no idea what they were saying.And also, i dont value their opinions at all. With my parents, i've just had to forgive them. Yes, they may have not helped with my anger and may be the cause of some of it, but I know they didnt do it on purpose and theye know they made a mistake. My dad wishes he could take it all back every day, but me and him both have grown closer now that he knows. And no, my anger wasnt how I knew I had adhd. Im constantly looking around, especially at anything that moves,I cant stand slow people, my sense of urgency is incredible, always fidgety(always moving my hands and feet), cant watch the same channel or listen to a song for longer than a minute, 1000's of thoughts racing through my head, and it just feels like im naturally on crack. The anger, anxiety, and low self esteem were just other effects of adhd. You're lucky that you can go out to clubs and stuff like that. It took me a loooong time before I could do that, due to being very self-conscience. I felt that if my dad who loved me would make fun of me, then god only knows what strangers would say.Being free from your past is something that does take time. I dont wanna preach, but I know that without God, i'd be in a lot worse place.Knowing that i'm forgiven for everything i've done really helps with forgiving those that have hurt me. Im just now letting people into my life that may or may not hurt me. Before, I wouldnt talk to anyone because I "knew" they would eventually hurt me. As far as the anger, i still get it sometimes, but it's usually due to my impatientness more than anything, You just gotta get up and tell yourself every morning that it's going to be ok. Dont let people control you. If you feel yourself getting angry, leave.Walk away from what aggravates you. If you can't, then ask yourself if you can change it. If not, then theres no point in getting angry or upset. If you can change it, then do it calmly.If you have anymore questions or anything-***@****-  I just dont wanna see another person going down the road I just to get where i'm at now. I took the long way and still have a little ways to go.
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