Im ignorant about what I need, help me become aware

I was diagnosed with ADHD as a child and forcefed ritalin (cause I hated it).

Im 29 now, and basically from 10 until 28 I pretended it was a big lie and everything is fine.

Well now being honest I see my ADHD has severely damaged my life. My level of material knowledge should be equal to my peers, but because I can only absorb the general ideas with ADHD, I lack a lot of detailed knowledge.

So a few weeks ago for the first time I am tackling this area of my life. I partied hard when I was 18, did some drugs but nothing too crazy, and only smoked weed over the last 10 years or so.

  Now I am ready to stop smoking weed, and focus on the new meds I am taking but I need to get everything in order.

I've been smoking weed to allieviate some of my ADHD. It worked, but as doctor told me, Marijuana has a anti-anxiety effect, but when it wears off it actually causes you to increase your anxiety overall and its therefore very bad for me long term.

  So I want to quit but I am looking at what am I really getting from it that its soo important for me??

Thankfully since starting vyvanse a few weeks ago, I can now contrast how I act and feel.

  So really what I am hoping is for other people to help me figure out what I'm feeling and give over accurate descriptions to the doc.

  Vyvanse 40mg

started at 20mg first week, 2nd week 30mg, now 40mg. I feel more focused and able to work for longer periods of time. However I also feel like since the drug kicks in, I start to start out there on the edge in a way, and after a few hours I want to pull back and not be on the edge. At this point I begin reallly desiring some marijuana, because I know it will relieve this sudden tense feeling. As if your about to do something, but cant do it, and you have this wierd feeling I am not good at explaining or identifying feelings...

   Also I find that it makes me feel kind of out of it. Normally with ADHD symptoms I am a passionate person who cares about the things I feel are important. Now with VyVanse I feel maybe, Lethargic. I dont really care and things dont seem as important as before. Yes I can focus and concentrate more, but I feel more on drugs then not, and I mean in my thought process here. I feel like my decision process on and off the drugs would be a different process. That can be a good thing, but I dont know, right now I don't feel like this is 100%, maybe 70% good.

  
I read in another thread that someone 28 who didn't medicate for ADHD most his life will commonly feel strange feelings at first with any medicine but it goes away after a few months...

  Also my ADHD symptoms damaged my life, and as a result the last 2 years my stomach has been hurting all the time. I gather its because of heavy acid buildup. Now with Vyvanse, I am eating even less. Basically not eating.

     I am pretty sure now that one feeling I often get is anxiety, where I just feel like this pressing feeling I am not sure how to describe.. When the kids are going nuts for example the feeling I think that is, is anxiety. So I notice now I have a lot of that, but not in your typical external way. I mean to say that I feel my anxiety is all internal, as in I feel it, and as a result it causes me to want to calm it down, but it doesn't really affect my decisions or my interactions(except when I feel it hard I automatically knew to buy some marijuana, something I do not want to continue so I'm looking for a different solution). No one would think I'm anxious, but ADHD yes very much so.

  Now after starting vyvanse the other week I had what I know for sure was a severe bio-chemical depression a few times. I had this feeling of dread that was new and pretty scary. I told the doctor, he thought for a moment that maybe we can try Welbutrin, but then he said instead lets continue with stronger vyvanse and add abilify in a small dose which he said we will test to see if it helps to stabilize mood.

   all of this is sooo new to me. I feel like I'm a computer and we are trying different methods to get the darn thing to just boot up!!

So what do you all think? I need to become more aware of what I'm feeling, how I'm feeling etc, if this is going to work.

OH, also on a side note, my oldest just turned 3, and over last few months has starting showing ADHD signs... Never listening, running around without control etc.... He is too young for anything, but if anyone has any good material to help me with some practical advice for dealing with a 3 year old who is very active and doesnt want to listen thanks!

[Sandman2]

   Lots of good, honest questions.  I will get back to you when I have a bit more time.  Until then check out this post (particularly the last 10 or so posts) - http://www.medhelp.org/posts/ADD---ADHD/Vyvanse/show/367814#post_7413082
   Its got some pretty good personal info on taking Vyvanse.  Also I suggest that you check out totallyadd.com - its for adult add - and has a ton of very useful information.

[the_dude515]

thanks will do

[the_dude515]

havent smoked weed in a few days and am trying to be very observant of my emotions. It seems as the day goes by, I feel more and more as if I really need to 'let go'. As if I'm holding my breath and just going nuts to let the air out! So I see without weed this feeling goes up and up and up. Now my stomach actually feels like there is air in there from this feeling. Its made me very stressed and despite the vyvanse ADHD help, I feel unable to do anything because of this major feeling... is it anxiety? Or is it distraction or is it just withdrawl (withdrawal) or what?

  So I found a friend who has some bud, going to grab a really small amount now to test and follow thru with this theory. If its true maybe I nailed it and can speak with doctor about exact replacement to test.

[the_dude515]

Ok Just got home and smoked a bit. No question about it that lingering edge feeling is totally gone. What I needed to do earlier that I was avoiding, suddenly I am ready to take it on full blast.

  What should I tell the doc? Clearly this means something

[Sandman2]

     Hey, grass is great for anxiety - and it sounds like the anxiety is eating away at you.  Which is kind of common for an adult with ADD.  Thats why the doctor prescribed abilify. I'm not sure which is more addicting however.   I think grass is probably a healthier way to go, but its a pain to get.  Kind of sad that a drug like abilify is easier to get.   My opinion is be honest with the doc.  But I would also ask him for measures to help you deal with anxiety.  I know that good long runs always helped mine.  There are anxiety forums on this site which you should check out too.  
   By the way, your 3 year old sounds kind of normal (based on the little info given).  Over on the child behavior forum, I have seen lots of posts about 3 year olds that sound a lot worse.  It never hurts to post over there and ask for more opinions.  There are a lot of good people with experience over there that can help.

[hiddenpoetry]

?????

[the_dude515]

Bud has some beneficial qualities, but the doc told me (and I know he was not trying to pull one on me) that the anti-anxiety effects wear off and as it becomes metabolized the anxiety will return stronger, which is around 8-9 hours after initially consuming. Basically nothing I didn't already know. Bud is not a real answer to someone who wants to achieve a lot of things in life. No question it 'smudges' your motivation and ability to think etc... It just dumbs you down over time no question.... Abilify to me is crazy. I read that they dont even fully understand what it does, but it does work! Some people get side effects etc... I am sure there are other options

[UnmedicatedADHD]

Hi "dude515". Thank you so much for your honesty. We never know how our honesty can touch others as you have just helped me so much. I am 45 and have ADHD. I too used other things to alleviate my ADHD symptoms......didn't work of course. I am one of the most honest people you have ever met, but I don't know if my identity here is secret? Last time I posted something on a site it ended up on my FB wall and I was mortified! LOL! Anyway, what I have noticed BIG TIME while taking Aderrall for 2 yrs is that it produced a horrible, overwhelming anxiety in me that I just could not stand. It also produced a depression which I have anyway and don't need more of! It did help me to focus more and calmed me down a lot. But I was having panic attacks while on it. It made me have a general feeling of uneasiness and a sense of doom and gloom also. I just didn't feel myself like I didn't want to laugh at jokes or anything. I also feel a numb feeling while on it and just a general "blah" feeling. I think I would rather have my ADHD symptoms than these side effects! Its like, which is worse? So now I am unmedicated. I wish I could concentrate one one thing at a time without a million things running through my head all at the same time. I wish I could retain detailed information more because I basically feel like a dumb *** sometimes! I drink way too much caffeine because of it. I never knew that people with ADHD tend to do that! Thank you so much for sharing. Unmedicated