My child needs me a LOT

and I'm there for him, but sometimes it is like he needs me urgently, he raies his voice, it's an anxious sounding voice.  He just got a diagnosis of sensory processing disorder and the OT also felt like some anxiety/separation anxiety was present too.  Specialmom, was your son like this.  My son can be very clingy, esp in social situations.  I am very patient with him.  But sometimes I have to do things too.

[specialmom]

My son is like this.  To be honest, in a social situation---------  I put all other things aside.  I would rather he have a positive experience than socialize myself.  And if I am part of his positive experience, then so be it.  I am needed far less as time goes on.  Many kids that suffer something like sensory integration disorder (and probably add/adhd as well) have incredibly low self esteem.  They've never felt right in their own skin.  They need extra help.  Also, if a child has trouble "regulating", a parent can be what makes them feel calm.  I have this situation a lot but it is at the point of just my presence nearby makes him feel alright.  Other kids his age are left at a birthday party, I've never done that.  In fact, at the last couple we've been to, he needed to see me and preferred me to be right by him.  Okay, I can do that if it means he can play with the kids and have fun at the birthday party.  What do I have to do that is so important anyway? One thing we do EVERY time we go somewhere or have people over is discuss  it.  We talk worst case scenario----------  if  your engine starts to go too high, what can we do?  WE work out a plan.  It always includes telling me and a quiet, calm down spot.  It is about building that inner core and knowing he'll get stronger.  Your boy is 5 or 6 and after addressing his sensory needs and working on behavioral issues, his inner confidence and dependence will grow and he will need you less.  I also think anxiety and clinginess to you could have something to do with the coming and going of his absent father.  You are his stable source of comfort.  So, roll with it and you will get your time to be you at a party down the road.  For now, he needs you to help him.  I almost always get a group of kids and start a game that I play with them but we all play together.  Did it yesterday at a family function------  me and 5 other kids playing charades.  What could be more fun?  But ya know what------------  every kid loved it and so did my son!!!  Well worth it.  

[Sandman2]

   All kids can be clingy.  They do tend to grow out of it.  But in the process, they have also learned how to best get your attention.  It may not be that he needs you urgently, it just that he has learned what sound gets your attention the fastest. This is not unusual.   If you have been monitoring him so that you know that he really doesn't need you urgently, than its time to start working on teaching him how to walk over to you and ask for what he wants.  It will not happen overnight, but if you don't respond to the cry and instead say, "come tell me".  - again, and again, and again. I think something like that will work.  Others may have better ideas.  
  And I would think that even with his sensory problems (and I can understand him freaking out at something), it would be good to start the ole count to 10 routine,  take deep breaths, and then come and get momma and tell her what the problem is.

[specialmom]

My son is like this.  To be honest, in a social situation---------  I put all other things aside.  I would rather he have a positive experience than socialize myself.  And if I am part of his positive experience, then so be it.  I am needed far less as time goes on.  Many kids that suffer something like sensory integration disorder (and probably add/adhd as well) have incredibly low self esteem.  They've never felt right in their own skin.  They need extra help.  Also, if a child has trouble "regulating", a parent can be what makes them feel calm.  I have this situation a lot but it is at the point of just my presence nearby makes him feel alright.  Other kids his age are left at a birthday party, I've never done that.  In fact, at the last couple we've been to, he needed to see me and preferred me to be right by him.  Okay, I can do that if it means he can play with the kids and have fun at the birthday party.  What do I have to do that is so important anyway? One thing we do EVERY time we go somewhere or have people over is discuss  it.  We talk worst case scenario----------  if  your engine starts to go too high, what can we do?  WE work out a plan.  It always includes telling me and a quiet, calm down spot.  It is about building that inner core and knowing he'll get stronger.  Your boy is 5 or 6 and after addressing his sensory needs and working on behavioral issues, his inner confidence and dependence will grow and he will need you less.  I also think anxiety and clinginess to you could have something to do with the coming and going of his absent father.  You are his stable source of comfort.  So, roll with it and you will get your time to be you at a party down the road.  For now, he needs you to help him.  I almost always get a group of kids and start a game that I play with them but we all play together.  Did it yesterday at a family function------  me and 5 other kids playing charades.  What could be more fun?  But ya know what------------  every kid loved it and so did my son!!!  Well worth it.  

[allmymarbles]

How old is he?

[benjimom]

My son just turned 6.

[allmymarbles]

He sounds very needy. Is this a personality trait or an ailment? And at what point does one become the other? I have known some adults who were needy and found them very trying. What they all had in common was a lack of self esteem. A famous example of neediness was Marilyn Monroe.

[allmymarbles]

Sorry I didn't really address your question. I got sidetracked. When I have met needy people as adults I have always reacted with helplessness and annoyance. Their problems seemed so entrenched. So I have to ask myself what I would do if I had a child with that problem. Since the root seems to be lack of self esteem, I would look for a particular talent or strength and try to have him focus on that. If he could achieve some sort of recognition, whether it be with plants, or music, or math, it might go a long way towards improving his opinion of himself. It would be a good start that you could build on. The advantage you have is that (1) you are his mother and you care, and (2) that he is still very young and still somewhat malleable. I wish you the best of luck.

[specialmom]

allmymarbles, her son has been diagnosed just recently with sensory integration disorder which is what my son has.  These kids need some extra help to feel comfortable.  Often their social skills aren't the greatest and they have an internal system that starts to feel regulated.  A particular person's presence will help them stay calm and they subconsciously  know that.   I give my son the extra support because it will ultimately help his self esteem to have a positive experience at a party or play date.  He needs me less and less and will some day need me not at all.  

You are exactly right though---------  accentuate the positive.  We are my son's cheering section and help him explore all things that give him confidence!  Good advice!

[allmymarbles]

Children to come in all shapes. My first needed a very tidy world to feel secure. My second was interested in absolutely everything and wanted to experience everything. My third was of this world and understood people. My fourth was very dreamy. She lived on Mars. She suffered a serious ailment in her childhood which no one could diagnose. I found the cure. (There is nothing like a mother's determination, and beware anyone who thwarts her.)

As adults, the first counsels children and has her own house full of children. There are lots of rules. The second is a science-fiction writer. The third is a highly placed administrator. The fourth is an artist with five dreamy children. I tried very hard to turn their personality traits in a productive direction. Like everyone they had their pluses and minuses. I concentrated on the pluses. The last thing I wanted to do was impose my own needs and desires onto them.

Motherhood should be classed as a profession because so much learning is involved. What is unfortunate in this modern world is that families are so small. I truly got the hang of motherhood when my third came along. The fourth was a no brainer. My only regret is that I did not have more children. In a sense my learning went to waste. They were so much fun, and each was easier for me than the one before.