help for my 7 yr old granddaughter

[Lmr323]

My 7 yr old granddaughter has already been 'labeled' as a problem child. She is compulsive, disruptive, lies, sneaky, and is generally in trouble most of the time. My heart breaks for her because as other children are being invited to friends events, she is not included. She is a delightfully spirited child and most people like her right off, but then her behavior gets in the way. I must add that her dad (my son) was very much like that as a child and her grandfather was too. Is this a generational thing? She has a nice stable home with family who love her. I fear she may suffer the consequences of her behavior for yrs to come. Does anyone else relate to this situation?

[allmymarbles]

When I first had a child I expected to recognize it. It did not take long to realize I had given birth to an alien. Our children are not us. My fascination was in seeing how they developed. Perhaps because of this fascination I did not impose my own desires on them. Instead I was entranced with the growth of a new and unique being. None of the four disappointed me and, expect for their manners and deportment, do not resemble me at all.

I think the reason some children are not comfortable in their skins is that that are not accepted by those near and dear to them for what they are. They always feel they are falling short of expectations. Thus the loss of self-esteem. You do your best to encourage acceptance and I am sure your message gets through to some. I am with you all the way.

[specialmom]

I like your post and it sounds like you gave your daughter what she needed to feel complete and whole.  There is room for unique and "oddball" and I am usually more drawn to these type of people as they can be very colorful and full of life.  (although, you describe yourself as the opposite and I would say that you too are colorful and full of life-----  I guess there are no definates for interesting people.)  I do think that some people are not happy with the way they feel inside and that is when working on this helps.  Working on this can come in many forms.  Treating each child and situation individually is so important and we adults have to keep our own "stuff" in check so as not to push it on our kids.  I wish for every family that they find what makes their child feel as complete as yours does and as happy in life as she appears to be.  What more could a mother want?

[allmymarbles]

Apropos of nothing. I was speaking to my second daughter last night. This was one who would be classified as having ADD. I never drugged her and liked her the way she was - mischievous, funny, unique, and courageous. She was also devious, and had a million ways of trying to get out of going to school. Her fondest memory of her childhood was getting the mumps and having to stay home for 10 days. She said it was a dream come true.

She said that ADD is a gift (she is a grown now). that it enables you to deal with chaos. She said she could never have had a career in a narrow profession like chemistry or technology, and never wanted one. Just as her attention was all over the place, this made complex and varied jobs intriguing for her - the more complex and theoretically unmanageable the better. Her distance from the mind of the rank and file  gives her objectivity and a keen understanding of people and how to handle them. She became a highly successful administrator at a very young age.

I cannot say that I understand her because I am her opposite - a highly focused person. But I do know that she is happy and eternally grateful that I did not give in to the pressure to medicate her. She said it would have destroyed her.

There is a place in this world for oddballs. If we help them find that proper place.they can do amazing things. And they are interesting.

[allmymarbles]

My first child did not settle down in school easily, didn't get along with her classmates, and didn't seem to fit in anywhere. One day the school called me to say she had made a friend. At the time it was her only friend, but it was the start of her adjustment (although in some ways she was problematical for years). Specialmom said the first good friend is all it takes. It certainly was true of my daughter.

[specialmom]

Oh, I think every parent that watches their child struggle socially feels this same pain.  As much as we want to, we just can't take away every hurt for our kids.  What we can do is help them cope better and learn skills that will improve the situation.  At seven, your granddaughter is in school I am guessing.  Most public school systems have a wide range of kids with different abilities and a couselor that can help.  Our school has a "friends" group that puts together kids to work on social skills. My son is too young for this as he is in kindergarten but I have my eye on that for down the road.  The parents of this little girl should work with the counselor to see what they can do to help.  We did a social skills camp last summer with 5 other boys around my son's age that worked on all the things kids need to be a good friend.  It also addressed what to do if someone is mean to you or if you make a mistake with a friend, etc.  We did it through an occupational therapist.  I know Children's hospitals often have these programs as well.  Role play with her on issues that arise with friends.  Help her take turns at games and to be a good loser.  Etc.  Some kids just intinctivly have social skills and some kids have to be taught these skills.

As far as some of the issues you describe, has she been diagnosed with something such as ADD/ADHD or sensory?  Addressing an underlying problem will improve the overall situation.  And you made the point perfectly for me that I always try to say-----  for those afraid to "label" their child and choose not to-----  the child will be labeled in a different way----- as in your words "a trouble- maker".  

What are her goals?  This is important.  My son WANTED friends so bad.  He was very motivated to become a good friend.  Does your granddaughter have a desire to change things?   And remember, ONE good friend is all it takes.  More would be great, but with one friend a child will feel connected.

Lastly, these things can be genetic and I do think some behaviors are learned.  IE:  if dad doesn't value or work on friendships, she sees that and takes same attitude.  You are smart to want to help her.  The earlier the better.  She is lucky to have a grandma like you!!!!