loosing it

[paying_it_forward]

Things just seem so crazy right now... I'm kind of speechless .... I don't really know how to explain the mess and confusion that is in my mind (and the way my life seems to me).

I have been waiting for a tutor to be organised for me for over a month now. I only have less than two weeks left of my course now anyway, but I'm still so behind.

I keep trying to do assignment and keep on getting stuck on researching for hours upon hours...then that turns into days and before i know it i have completely lost my entire train of thought and the purpose of what i was researching for in the first place.

I'm so frustrated and angry and have been having disturbing thoughts. I feel like i have no control, no focus anymore and it frustrates me BEYOND ANYTHING. I KNOW i'm a smart girl but right now I just can't seem to get things down on paper. Not to mention my vocabulary and the difficulties i have in finding simple words i have used a million times. Articulating my thoughts is getting worse and in class i feel as though people think I'm just stupid (though fellow class mates have told me many times that i'm really smart).

My heart is thudding and I have chest pain....I sometimes wonder when the day will come that I will finally snap and loose the plot completely.....

I have no local support groups or anything in my town for ADHD....I have no friends anymore...I'm not driven by money or possessions....but I've been feeling reallyyy impulsive lately...like really stupid ideas....as in if i win my current law suit and its a large amount of money I was thinking about packing my bags and just taking a flight somewhere with no particular plans or agenda in place. or things on a smaller scale like looking to randomly get my lip re-peirced or spend over 200 dollars on an e-book reader...

I can't seem to escape or control these massive mood swings. I know I'll probably read this later and it won't make sense at all.... *shrugs*

[allmymarbles]

As for those on this forum not understanding ADHD, considering the efforts of the pharmaceutical company to encourage treatment of this ailment through ads, etc., one would have to be deaf, dumb, and blind not to be familiar with the disability. And when one out of ten boys age ten are diagnosed with this condition, one has to wonder....

[paying_it_forward]

I can assure you I have considered whether or not this type of study is for me or not...I have asked all of my teachers if they think I'm wasting my time and they told me that I will be fantastic in the AOD field. So believe me...I have thought this over...when beginning the course at the start of the year we had over 30 students....now...we have 10....I'm one of those 10 students who's stuck it out and not given up and I don't intend to either. I'm not going to let the frustration of ADHD get in my way...

If you understood ADHD you may know that all of the thoughts and feelings I expressed in my first post are quite normal. I think Sandman realises that this was just one of my crisis/doubtful moments and I think he has approached it in a way that is less confrontational and more encouraging and supportive. That is the essence of this forum...

[allmymarbles]

Yes, it is true that we don't know you. But our comments are not meant to be offensive. We pass on our observations with the thought that they MIGHT apply to you. Perhaps if you had given more information about yourself whey you first asked your question, the replies might be more to the point.

Also, and this is apparently not true in your case, the replies are very much to the point, but not what the questioner wants to hear.

[paying_it_forward]

Thanks Sandman :)

I think my "switch" just flicked and I feel focused now so I'm getting stuck into some work right now.

I stopped taking the meds that messed me around a number of months ago...so the only medication I'm on now are the Dexies. I agree that it's stress causing anxiety and making things seem a lot worse than they are...

I know I'll get the work done it's just a matter of trying to stay in 'work' mode...concentrate, stay focused and what not. I KNOW i am capable of all of my assignments and I'm still yet to get a re-submit or fail all year... I need to have more faith in myself hey...that's what everyone keeps telling me...lol ah well better get back to it!

[Sandman2]

   ahhh, I do understand how you feel, but allmymarbles was just trying to help by suggesting some alternatives.  The only info she had was what you posted and she didn't know about your earlier posts.
   Sounds like you have two weeks left and are beginning to panic.  Been there.  Just never with ADHD.
   I hope your tutor does show up, but I think you have been here before and can lay this out yourself.  
   My advice would be to stop the research and start writing.  You have wowed your classmates/instructors in the past.  And you can do it again.  Take whatever you have and start writing.  I am sure - given your background - that you have enough info.   Start with an outline.  You need that to organize your thoughts.  Then just start filing it in.  Don't get bogged down by spelling, grammer, etc.   Take frequent breaks.  Get down your ideas and then organize them and put it all together.
    I do remember from earlier posts that you were on some meds.  One of them seemed to make things worse for you.  I know I should go back and find those posts, but its late.  Are you still on the same meds.  Any chance that any recent med changes are causing some of these problems?  It does seem that you are a bit more fragmented, but anxiety can do that.
    Heart thudding, chest pains - sounds like anxiety is building.  
    Take it one day at a time.  Get out and get it out.  Take breaks.  
    You can do this!

[allmymarbles]

You are in school and you are 25. I presume you are at a university, given your age. If you haven't gotten your first degree then you are behind academically. I don't know if this applies to you, but some people (of normal intelligence) are simply not academic. But there is such emphasis on academic excellence that those who cannot achieve it often lead miserable lives.

If what I am saying applies to you, then ask yourself what you really want to do in life. I have loads of grandchildren, nieces and nephews. Two of them were miserable students academically. But they both have fine careers. One is an accomplished artist and the other is a chef in a 4-star restaurant. The chef is also a talented musician. Rocket science is not for everyone.