my 3year old

[nickole1985]

I have a 3year old that is really bad. I have heard alot of people say that there kids are bad and laugh about it. When I say it on the other hand I wanna cry. My son is in Tap headstart a school program and every day this week he has been sent home for hitting and bitting kids. I dont know what else to do I try talking and putting him on punishment and he acts like it doesnt faze him. Can he have ADHD or is it worse?

[allmymarbles]

Specialmom's comments are to the point. There is one aspect of his problem that has not been touched. What is the home environment like? Are you a very physical family, whether in jest, or otherwise? Does he have older or younger siblings? How well does he get on with them? Is it possible he is not ready for school, and that you should keep him home for another year? Not all children develop at the same rate.

[benjimom]

Sending him home reinforces the behaviors.  They have to find another way to deal with it.  

Some kids are a lot harder, I have one. Typical child rearing tactics sound so good, but don't always work with these children!!

[specialmom]

Well Dollyn did make a good point about attention.  Kids will seek out any kind of attention that they can even negative attention.  I would try to switch it to posative.  Praise him for what he does right, give him special jobs that he can be the helper, and reward him.  Rewards that I like are beans in a jar for good deeds and when he gets enough, he gets to do something special with mom.  Or some coins---------  it is amazing what I can get my child to do for a nickel.  When he fills up his piggy bank---  he puts half in savings and half he gets to buy himself a toy.  He'll love it---------  and sitting and counting the coins together is a good math lesson and kids love this as well.  Just thougts on how to improve his behavior.

I will say that talking to him is different than "working" with him.   You are going to teach him through games, reading fun books, and role playing.  That is different------  takes effort but pays off.  My kid has been doing occupational therapy since he was 4 (he is now 6) and besides doing things to address his nervous system, his occupational therapy is just that.  Behavioral modification and giving alternative strategies.  Not just yapping at him and in one ear out the other but interactive teaching.  If you believe you can't do it, you are in big trouble.  You have to believe you can handle this.

Of course your son loves you.  You are his mother.  He is a challenging child is all.  But he is your challenging child.  And it is important to remember, that he may be trying as best he can.  What if he has a mild delay?  (by the way, my son does.  He hit all of his developmental milestones on time or early and has a very high IQ.  Wouldn't have guessed he had a delay right off the bat . . .)  

Ask about a therapist observing your son in preschool.  They may have insight into things.  Don't give up.  Your son is depending on you.  Goodluck

[nickole1985]

I have tried talking with him and talking with the teacher. He has a great Vocabulary matter of fact he gets along better with adults then he does children his own age. He tells me alot that he is angry. I sometimes feel he does not like me:( I have tried taking away toys, activities and all he says is thet he dont care. What am I doing wrong? I have 2 other boys 1year old and a 6year old and the 6year old has never act out like this. The baby is starting to mimmick the things the 3year old does.

I sometimes just cry because I dont know what else to do.

[specialmom]

Kids of 3 are tough.  No doubt about it (and, you won't want to hear this-----  but kids of 4 can be difficult too . . .  sorry).  There is such a wide range of normal for that age group.  Your son may fall within normal but have great difficulty expressing his anger and frustration.  How is his speech?  Does he have trouble communicating his feelings to you?  This is not at all uncommon for kids of that age.  When they are frustrated or mad, they don't know what to do with the emotion and they resort to hitting and biting.  What I would do is to go to the library and check out all kinds of books for children that describe emotions.  My sons referred to anger as a tornado for a long time.  When they were buiding up in anger they would stay a storm cloud is coming in.  We learned that language from a book.  It was important for them to start to express feelings with words.  Kids words.  Then I would act out/role play what he can do when he is upset.  Find out from the school what preceeded the episode.  Then help your son deal with it better using words and calming strategies.  A calming strategy is to go to a cool down spot where no one will bother him for a few moments.  Or he can take some deep breaths.  Or he can come to the teacher or adult and use his words to say what is wrong.  Trying to get the gap between emotion and action is the goal.  

There is also another series of books with titles like "Hands are not for Hitting".  They are really effective for driving home that message.  You can find these at the bookstore or perhaps the library.  

It is very important for you to stay extrememly calm with him.  Don't yell, lose control or spank.  It is hard to teach a child to control these behaviors if we can't.  It is hard to say, don't yell while yelling it at him.  Being calm yourself calms the child.  

I'd observe in the school to see what is going on for yourself.  And if it continues, I would ask them to do an evaluation of your child.  Most places have a contract and grant for therapists to observe children and make recommendations.  But as I said, it is very difficult with a child as young as your son.  

Add/adhd shouldn't be diagnosed until at least 6 in my opinion.  But my son was diagnosed with sensory integration disorder which can look like add/adhd at 4.  good luck and if you need any help with anything, just ask.  

[dollyn]

It could be that he is acting out to get attention. He is biting and hitting at School and they send him home, have you or the School ever thou that maybe he is doing this because he knows you will have to come get him and he gets what he want's.

The School should trying leaving him there when he acts out and talk to him ,and put him at a table by him self and not give in and let him out right away.let him see the other kids having fun with out him.

and yes kids as early as 2 years old know how to fool people.

and if you have to  pick him up when he gets home there should be nothing fun for him to do, no playing with toys or TV or anything else he may like to do.

I know easier said then done.