Before you judge me, read my entire story and put yourself in my shoes.
I am here after posting a journal almost everyday for 4 years, and now I am at odds with the website because I have not received any support lately.
Here is my story:
My entire life I feel like I have been beat down by people. When I was a child, I was abused by both of my parents who blamed all of their problems on me and treated me like garbage.
My father would beat me everyday almost for fun like it was a game. He was the root of all evil in my life. Everything that he had failed at in his life was my fault, even things that happened before I was born. I am convinced to this day he had some sort of mental illness. He would always emotionally manipulate me with fear, threats, and violence. There was one point where he wanted to kill me. That is how he got his power.
My mother never did anything to help me from him and would always ignore me. The only way she showed affection for me was buying things for me, which I never wanted, I only wanted her to love me. She always worked because my father never had a job. She was never there to protect me from him and when she was, she never listened to me. Eventually, she became more violent towards me as she began to emotionally deteriorate because of him.
At school from kindergarten to twelfth grade, I was always ridiculed and had few, if any, friends. Sometimes the teachers would join in too. No one ever helped me. No one ever cared. Nobody asked me what was going on at home to help me. Everyday when I was I child I would always think, "When is this going to end?" I never did anything to deserve this treatment.
With all of this stress, it eventually boiled over when I was 15 years old when I nearly had a mental breakdown. To deal with this stress, I usually looked at naked women on the internet to relieve my stress. It has been like this for the last four years. I don't have any other reliable stress outlets. If I don't relieve my stress, my thought process slows down and I can barely function. Yes, my stress has become that severe at times.
When I was 16 years old, I turned in both of my parents into CPS. They were both arrested, but they eventually got out as there was no evidence to prove what they did to me. I spent the last days of my childhood in a Youth Shelter and various foster homes as an older child who was not wanted. I eventually met my adoptive parents who I am convinced are one of the few people on this planet who actually cares about me.
When I turned 18, I joined the United States Air Force to get away from my old life. Overall, things have been going well, but the same trends keep reappearing in my life from the past. I can't stop looking at naked women on the internet. I don't have hardly anyone to hang out with outside of work. Worse of all, people were so mean to me, that I became a mean person who only goes to the gym because everyone wants to fight him.
Why did I come here? I came here because I need some advice to help me clear my mind. I am willing to let it all go. Just help me.
My mind is my greatest tormentor. I can never get peace because my trends from the past keep haunting me. \
Are you getting any help from a counselor or therapist? That is where I would go next. At least, thank heavens, you got out of that gothic house of horrors where you were raised and were able to find adoptive parents who care. Now that you are on the steps above the flood, what you do is climb them one at a time. Such as, adoption, joining the Air Force, now getting some help. I believe we don't open doors mentally until we are strong enough to do so, and it sounds like you're able to move up to the step of deep exploration of your childhood and the scars it has left. Really, without that examination, you will probably find adult relationships inadequate or incomplete. Also, reach out and go to church or get involved in the community as much as your service will let you. It will show you by example how people behave towards each other in families that are not mentally abusive.
Am gld your no longer in that crazy house. You cant erase your passed so just accept it and move on, instead of asking questions like y me. Look forward to the future. Join groups if activities to meet new pple. Try dating and forcus on building your career
I know your post is kinda old, but i just felt that i should put my two cents in. I honestly think you should go to counseling (if you haven't already) and maybe tell all the people that you have ticked off that you really didn't mean it. And if you have friends at work maybe you should try to do something with them outside of work? Honestly it seems like you're a good person you just don't know how to cope with things that have happened in the past. I have a horrible relationship with my mom she thinks everything i do is stupid. Note i'm still in highschool so i try to br involved in things just to make her happy; it foesn't work.
I'm dealing with the same feeling about my parents as you are. I always wondered, why our neighbour's didn't call the police, even once in my life?
It makes you feel pretty abandoned doesn't it? Same as your journal pages not getting any following. I know on medhelp it's best to keep a current post happening so that you have more of a visible presence and attract friends that best relate to your case and your needs.
You sound like a wonderful man, in need of a good soul mate. It's time for that i think for you, but you need first to get yourself some therapy, some relief, and some real friends who have gone through what you've gone through, and maybe further along in the process of healing, like I am. I think it's easier for a woman to find that knight in shining armour sometimes more than a man, someone whose going to reach out and envelop you in warmth and unconditional love,... and help you heal., but i know that there is someone out there for you too!
I think that once you reach out, put in the work in therapy, it will be easier for you to meet that one right partner for you ~ You deserve love my friend.
I'll send you a message :) I love the way you write.
Also, there's a group called ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics or Dysfunctional Families) in pretty much every town. I think. When I was younger I went to a few meetings ( i was in my 20's), and there, i was able to talk about stuff that would make most people's skin crawl (lol) and feel a part of something with them. We all would go out for coffee together and talk about life now, as opposed to then. I sure would be proud to know you, young man. You deserve the very best in life , you deserve good friends and a loving family and you can get that if that's what you want. You've got a right to be angry, and you need to express that anger. In time, it will abate as you develop closer relationships with people.
My advice, stay close to a few people who have experienced what you have, and are moving on. Get to a meeting, and let me know how it goes. Liz
I've been a victim of various types of abuse.
people do this because they can its sad but I have asked an abuser this and this was the answer I got
I think some people become what my group likes to call a defiler
the person feels wronged often times by society so they feel someone else
who may trigger these emotions either deserves to suffer or have a lack of freedom due to the fact that the abuser themselves feels anything from shame jealousy to rage at the idea of not begin accepted or someone else possessing what they don't have. the last thing a serial killer wants is to be labeled a serial killer. because in their mind when someone calls them that feel they deserve to die. someone is molested as a child and then it turns into the fact that no one listened years later the person rapes someone because there was no relation of any solace for them in confiding in others and the fact that they have witness that they are not alone or someone doesn't place judgment apon them in a final understanding of
A) that person now understands the defilers pain
B) I fianilly know what when through the screwed up head of the person who molested me.
and things of this nature bring THAT person deep comfort. but this is so deep seeded within their own minds often times they do not realize this.
the best way to answer the question of why is to start with how or what
was there anything involved in the beatings that stood out such as the use of certain items or body parts you can lookup the subconscious meaning behind such items and pry into the parts of the phyche because if it is not the disorder itself then it is more than likely a part of their past.
When I was in California there was a group called
Survivors of Incest. We had been abused by relative(s). You might find such a group where you live.
There are a lot of us who have been abused and do not abuse others. We feel a kindness towards them because we know what that kind of pain is like.
Keep reaching out.
Hello andrew my name is angel I know what you are going through I am 18 and i have been through exactly what you arfe going through my whole life as well my mother and father divorced when I was 4 my father abandoned me and when he would come around (and still to this day) my dad would beat me he doesn't any more but he still verbally abuses me and puts me down. My mom was a drug addict when I was younger and her 2 ex boyfriends raped me from the time I was 4 years old until I was 10 years old. I have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, bipolar disorder, and ptsd (post traumatic stress disorder). I have been in therapy since I was 11 years old and have been admitted to a mental hospital 6 different times because my medication stopped working. I would say get professional help but I am here anytime you need to talk my number is 615 559 8135 so don't hesitate to message me.
This is interesting because I too am in Phoenix! I am curious about something. Because of your abuse did you create alter personas to handle the times that got real bad? I noticed that you said you "went to the gym because everyone wanted to fight him" using third person. I was sad to read " Do not judge me." at the. beginning because what would I judge you for? For being a victim? Sweetie, you were abused and if all that amounted to was looking at naked people/ masterbation then hey at least you havent killed someone! If I were you I'd have myself a little ceremony and ask God in spirit to join you. Take anything you still have from that time, any bad memories just write them on paper, and have a little bonfire on a grill and verbally say that" all these memories that have haunted me shall no longer define who I am or what I am about. I am a good person capable of love and will never do the things that were done to me to anyone so help me God." and feel it all burn with the fire and walk away with the love God has for you in your heart. God never looked away while those things were being done to you- they will pay my friend ,those evil bastards. God doesnt control what people do on earth but He sees all and Has wanted to comfort you but your walls are up- not letting anyone near. Have you had any family who knows this about you that loved you? grandparents? anyone? ...and no worries...everyone relieves tension like you from time to time!;)
Why do you allow them to be so mean? When are you going to grow up and stop playing the victim. Nobody does anything to us unless we allow them too unless they literally hold us hostage or tie us up. What I am saying sounds cruel, but in this world, there are a lot of evil, mean people and you have to protect yourself and be your own advocate, and if that means you have to get "mean"" once in a while, then so be it. There are classes called DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy?), that would help you better than a group, this class teaches you how to deal with everyday situations, everyday problems and shows you how your reactions play a big part in all of it, It helps a lot because I was just like you.
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