Abusive Mother

[Marcia2809]

I have reached the limit of what I can take from the mother figure in my life. She has been physically, verbally and emotionally abusive my entire life (nearly 45 years). She guilt trips me and manipulated to the point I said NO MORE. My faith tells me I should "honor thy father and thy mother" and she tells me "your God is disappointed with you." She is a professed atheist.

This woman has driven me to a suicide attempt at 14. I carved my own wrists. When she found me on the kitchen floor, slumped against the cabinets, bleeding into the denim of my jeans, she kicked my leg, told me I was an *** and returned to the bar on the corner from our home. She has driven me to therapy on two occasions. EXTREMELY helpful I might add - God Bless Brian and his insight.

Her latest (and last) attempt to get her digs in on me, was to send an interest earnings statement to my daughters (she had put some money away for their college education) and then close the accounts. Our oldest daughter is a senior and we needed account specifics for financial aid statements (anything bearing her social security number), she informed me that "they would not be getting any of it" because of the way I have behaved.

My question - There's still a nagging part of me that says I should keep trying in the name of faith and family. There IS a father figure, but he oh-so-conveniently has turned the other cheek to this woman's evil my entire life and says/does nothing - EVER. Has anybody ever just shut the door to an abusive parent and went on with their life? How do I get rid of the nagging feeling I should continue to take her abuse for the sake of family and faith?

[jml1986]

If it were me, I would walk away. You can not let this lady continue to have that much control over your life. You have wasted 45 years trying to do what you call the so called right thing, but it did not work. Don't let this lady drain one more bit of life out of you. Cut your loss and move on and live a happier life. It is apparent that she is a person with severe problems, but she is not willing to get help and there is nothing you can do to help her. Walking away maybe the hardest thing you may ever do, but it will be the best thing you do.

[tamtam504]

Marcia2809                                                                                                                               It seems to me that the so called mother figure is a very unhappy person. I personally think walking away would be the best thing you could do.You should let her know that what she thinks is only one persons opinion and evedentaly meaningless, also allowing her wrath to continue is only going to hurt your childrens feeling more if i was you i would run and never look back! BELIEVE ME GOD IS NOT DISSAPOINTED IN YOU! BUT WONDERING HOW LONG IT;S GOING TO TAKE FOR U TO SAY ENOUGH! GOODLUCK TAMTAM504

[Marcia2809]

Thanks for your input. You've hit the nail on the head as to where my biggest struggles are. I know through therapy that she's never going to change. She has emotionally battered me forever. She feels entitled because she gave me life after all. She is narcissistic - she is not out of step with the world, the world is out of step with her. She has left me feeling powerless, helpless and empty. For my Dad, for the sake of family, I have tried for decades to hold on. When she removed my children's college accounts and used them as a pawn to get at me, to manipulate me, to control - it has been the catalyst for me to say ENOUGH. She doesn't know how to love anyone but herself. Not me, not her grandchildren - and I cannot continue to go through life like this. I honestly think I CAN divorce her. She has brought nothing but pain to my life and those around me. We don't need her. I have left the door open to my father, but he is so roped in by her I doubt I'll reach him. Life apart from her is wonderful. Great husband, terrific kids, rewarding teaching career and everything in life we need. I've had enough of her. I've tried for far too long to reach the unreachable. Anybody else out there "divorce" a parent, have them die and still be able to move on well in life?

[April2]

There are three books I'd like you to read. The first one is "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. This will help you establish boundaries with the people in your life, including your family, without feelig guilty or like the "bad child". It is a Christian based book but since you've already professed your faith, I think you will really get something out of it.
The second book was written by Stormie OMartian. I can't remember the name of the book. I read it years ago. She's written several books but this was her first one, I believe. In it she describes her life growing up with an abusive mother and how she found God as an adult after years of wandering, drub abuse, etc. She desribes how God got her to the point of being able to not only forgive her mother, but to understand that her mother was mentally ill and she learned to actually have compassion for her. By the time her mother died, she felt at peace with her mother. It's a really good book. I'm sorry I can't remember the name of it but like I said I think it was her first one she ever wrote. She's written others on prayer, etc. This is the only one really desribing her life and her struggles, etc.

I think it's awesome that you responded to the call of God after such a rough upbringing! It just goes to show how faithful and able our God is.

Another good book I'd recommend is William Murray's book called "My life without God". He was Madalyn Murray O'Hair's son (the famous atheist who succeded in removing prayer from school). After his crazy upbring (and she was pretty loony as you'll see!), it's amazing that he too felt the call of God. I love how God works! He takes the son of the most famous atheist in American! :D Gotta love it!
Yeah, I love to read. Can you tell? :)

Anyway, I'd recommend you read "Boundaries" first. It's got a lot of helpful insight in it that I think you will appreciate. The other two is just for your enjoyment to show that you are not alone. Many people have been in your position. Sometimes it helps to know we are not alone, you know?
Don't take your mom's "stuff" on yourself. She is her own person, making her own decisions-right or wrong. You are only responsible for you. Keep praying. God is faithful. He will never leave you. He will help you through this. Just keep giving it to Him and take one day at a time. God gives us new mercies every morning. Every morning is a fresh start!
I wish you well. If you ever want to talk more, I'd be more than happy to talk to you. You can send me a private message any time if you need to talk more.
Although my mother has not gone to the extreme your's has, I do have a controling mother that I struggle with sometimes. That's why that book, "Boundaries" was recommended to me by my counselor. Let me know if you get any of the books and how you like them. I'd be interested in what you think! Take care & God bless.
April

[zoidal]

I can relate to what you are describing as I too have had problems with my mother (and now whole family) all of my life (I am 31 now). I have tried having no contact with my mother (and now family) which isn't too hard as none of my family contact me but when they do it is tinged with anger and hostility which easily erupts into extreme anger from my mother which makes me feel unwell for around two weeks following the phone conversation. It sounds so logical to not have contact with my mother but the void no-contact has created leaves me feeling deeply sad on a daily basis - i feel like an orphan. The rest of my family do not have contact with me as they are loyal to my mother and I know she has lied and manipulated them. It feels hopeless. In conclusion no contact is better than destructive communication but no contact has left me feeling deeply sad and alone - neither option really seems better.

[jo929]

Yes it is time to stand up for yourself, and say i am a human being, and will be treated as such, make no big scene, but just let her know that you have tried for years, and if she wants to be a mother or a grandmther it is time for her to change her ways, as you will not take anymore verbal abuse or be around to listen to it, and do not back down, maybe just maybe she will change one can always hope for the best, but if the good does not come you have lost nothing, and you have gained your self respect it sounds like she gets her kicks this way also she may just be a bossy lady, and a cruel one, and likes
  to have someone to pick on she also sounds like a very sick person     she needs these words printed on her mirror
                         I wonder if my mirror
                         Would a little kinder be
                         If i had thought more of of others
                         and a little less of me

You have done all you can to make her a friend and part of a family, the rest is up to her change or be a very lonely ole lady with no family and probably no friends   luck  jo