Addicted? Help??

I think I may be addicted to abuse, I dont even know if it is possible, but when i was little, my father would abuse me verbal and emotionaly, it was constant, I would be called a **** *****, ****,skank, ect. by own father, he would purposfully contradict himself and blame me. I felt suicidal for the longest time till my friend beat me to it, and then I woke up.The pain I felt when he commited sucide is something much worse than all the abuse in the world, I would never wish upon anyone, especially the few people that did love me. I did used to cut bcz of my father, but then he would start to smack me around, and thats when I felt a strange relif. It was weird, but in my mind I felt it better then when he was screaming at me or saying all those horrible things.
I rarely see my father now, but when I do, nothing has changed.

Now, I purposefully put my self in abusive situations, pick fights, party hard enough to get smacked by my guy friends, especially when I am feeling hella upset.
Also, I can never seem to make relationships work and as I look back I have caused so much drama in my life because of that relif I get when I get beat up, or I would be with an abusive dude,get scared and blow him off before anything begins.

I know this sounds soo horrible and I must be viewd as a complete moron for feeling this way but I can't help it. This is how I feel.
I apreciate any advise or info given?

[chigirl29]

I don't think you are addicted to abuse.  I think you grew up with abusive models of behavior and have not learned alternative models of behavior.  It takes time, and don't be so hard on yourself.  The abusive people you have encountered do not take the time to be self-reflective.

[Jenflax]

Therapy.  

You may be VERY surprised how other people (who were abused) feel the same way you do.

Peace.

[jml1986]

Sadly, it is the only life you have known so you tend to follow that direction when picking a mate. I like the others think you really need to get help to break the cycle you are in. Good luck!

[Crystlas]

I did something similar.  I was in a very abusive marriage and when I came out of it, I sake that same reaction from my loved ones.  It was all I knew.  It is almost as if the brain becomes conditioned to the abuse and needing it to feel normal.  I think this is a big part of PTSD. That is my take on it.  I started to do it for awhile to my now current fiance, at the beginning of our relationship.  I put my butt back in counseling to deal with it, which I have.  Have you been in counseling yet for this?  I believe it is the answer.  You have to re-condition yourself to understand that normal behaviorisms are safe and healthy.  I got so used to being treated hatefully that was comfortable to me.  Please seek help!

[lizzy100]

you say your father committed suicide, then you say you dont see him much these days?
i can relate to wanting to be hurt by other people, i feel the same. i also relate to prefering physical abuse over emotional. i found emotional much more painful in the long term then the physical. the sticks and stones saying isnt true hey?
maybe u should see if u can get some therapy?

[margypops]

There is no doubt that abusive behavior can be learned and is cop[ied when children are hit, spanked, tapped whatever term you use, they do it to others, we teach children how to behave, so when a child is abused statistics have shown they in turn abuse their children, not all the time, many dont, but many do. When there is a lot of fighting , yelling ,cursing going on that a child  listens to for years they then take on that role.I dont think its addictive but I do think it can become a habit, You take control, you say' I am not going to behave like my father did I am far better than that. You get help and you make your self someone folks will respect. I appreciate that this thread is now about 18 months old, but how are you doing if you read this .

[meyan]

I agree with margypops, Syd_Blaire, children act out as adults what they saw growing up. It's not based on anything logical or even sane. It just is. It's a conilogical behaviour that you can learn to turn around. There is hope. Don't give up on yourself. Have you ever tried a counciler?

[kathy434]

Please read my comment just made to Chloe.

Also you are repeating this abusive behavior because it is all you know and are familiar with and comfortable with.  Meeting nice people, who care about you show genuine love and respect and kindness to you are uncomfortable because this behavior is foreign to you.

After you read my post to Chloe regarding her friend's death,  I want you to think hard about the path you are currently taking.  You never deserved your father's abuse.  You don't deserve today to be hit, much less associate yourself with people who assault you.

I hope you put some serious thought into your mode of thinking and choices of men today, and realize that you need to take a new direction and save yourself !  Your father took away your power, and you are now giving away your power to others to hit you.  Stop !

Contact your local mental health services.  Set up an appointment for counseling.  Learn that you are not what your father taught you to believe about yourself.  He was sick.  He made you sick mentally.  Now it is up to you to get well, get the counseling and learn that there is a much better life for your future.  Bless you.