Am i wrong for slapping my sister's boyfriend?

I love my little sister to death and she came home the other day and was saying how her boyfriend has been grabbing her by the arms when he gets mad and leaving bruises. Not only that, he has been picking her up by the neck of her shirt, too. He verbally abuses her also, in saying things to her like "you stupid b****" on a daily basis. The verbal abuse gets worse depending on how mad he is. She breaks up with him for a day then he cries and says he is so sorry and she takes him back everytime. My parents see how he treats her and they still like him! My dad doesn't believe it's as bad as my sister says and i think my mom just wants to be friends with his mom is why she don't make a big deal about it. I, however, have a really hard time liking him at all for what he does to her. She is only 16 and he is 19, she doesnt need to put herself through that. Well he came over a few days ago and i refused to go into the same room as him, and it caused a big arguement between my mom and me because she said the way i was acting about it "disgusts" her. I'm 8 months pregnant and my parents kicked me out of my house, because they said if i cant get along with him then i don't need to be here, because my sister loves him and he's not going anywhere. I was shocked to hear them say this to me. How are you going to put your pregnant daughter out of the house, because she thinks it's wrong that her 16 year old sister is dating an abusive guy? So her boyfriend came in the living room and was laughing as my parents were telling me this and i walked over to him as i was leaving my house and slapped him across the face and said " i hope you like it when people put their hands on you." I have been feeling bad about getting violent, but i have never in my life been that angry at someone. I never hit people. I just want to know if i'm completly in the wrong for this? Also, what so you guys think about my little sister's relationship? The physical stuff just started and i don't want it to get worse.

[margypops]

You reacted and in these frustrating circumstances it was understandable, it is a pity your parents are allowing this to happen in their house, thing is its your sisters life and if you cannot convince her or your parents  that the boyfirend is abusing her ,theres not much you can do, I understand how you feel. whilst hitting someone else is never a good idea, you blew your top and felt bad for your sister, but she is enabling the behavior by being with him, and its her choice. You could have a word and explain to your Parents and mend that,relationship as that is more important, I am wondering if they know he is abusive why they take his side? but maybe stay out of the boyiFriends way, hopefully your sister will see the light and he will continue to abuse her it doesnt simply go away.

[teko]

First of all, your instincts about your sisters boyfriend are correct, however your sister will have to learn that for herself. Unfortunately. You might encourage her to study up on the cycle of abuse and learn about it. Secondly, I personally do not blame you a bit for slapping him, but hitting is not the answer. He could have slapped a domestic violence charge against youu and you would end up with that on yor record for life bringing about a whole host of problems you do not need. As far as your parents, I do not know what to think there. Since your sister is so young hopefully, she wihll dump the loser on her own before long but will she turn around and make allowances for someone else to treat her badly? I wish they taught the cycle of abuse in school. Be carefl tho, your sister may quir telling you what is going on for fear of a ruckous.

[babypooh]

Oh, my goodness, that is unbelievable! I totally agree with the two other comments honey. Your reaction was understandable; not only does he abuse your sister, but your parents kicked you out because of him AND he has the nerve to laugh? I would have done that myself, to be honest. You can't really do anything anymore except try to talk to your sister again and hope she'll listen. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I hope your sister opens her eyes soon to this horrible situation before it's too late. There's nothing you can do to change your mother's mind about it either. I'm so sorry.  I hope you're okay wherever you are staying and that you have a healthy baby :) Good luck with your sister.  Time to worry about yourself and  your baby for  now, at least.

[kiw]

thanks you guys... i know that there are way better ways to solve a problem than to get violent, i was so angry because no one was understanding how this is a problem and could potentially get worse. My parents said he's just one of those guys that get a little rough, he doesnt mean it. I disagree and think that they just dont want to believe what is going on. My sister has actually been with him for two years and it just seems like the longer they are together, the worse he treats her. Something i didnt add to the story was that he was trying to talk about her to me a couple of days before everything saying that she is just too emotional and she isnt the same person anymore, etc., and i just kept blowing everything he said off in order to keep from getting involved. Well i guess he thought i had told her what all he had said and he turned the whole story around and told my sister that i was the one saying all those things. That's another reason why everyone was so mad at me, but they realize now that i was being truthful. They let me come back home and something happened between my sister and him again, i dont know what it is, they wont tell me, but i think i would rather not know. Anyways, my mom was saying that she was mad at him now too and that they are broken up for good, but i have a feeling she will take him back. I did send him a text message saying that i was sorry for slapping him, but he better not ever put his hands on her again. That will be the last thing i ever say to him, but i had to apologize, it was getting to me. I just get so aggrivated it seems these days and its probably all the hormones from being pregnant, but i made a promise to myself to never do something like that again, i just feel terrible even though he did deserve it.

[margypops]

Your hormones were right and you acted from the feeling of wanting to protect your sister,I dont think your parents are right when they say"hes just a 'little rough"and he doesnt mean it, he isnt trying to change I dont understand their attitude.However if they have broken up then the problem solves itself.The fact your parents are now mad could show they are aware of his problem  and they have seen he wont change.Hope all works out let us know.

[AnnaE]

I posted some information on the health pages at the top of the page. I s a resource explaining The Cycle of Abuse. Teko had mentioned this in her post to you. I think it might help your sister, and I thought you would be interested in it as well.

Best,

Anna

[samsonthecat]

To answer your question about whether you were wrong to hit him or not i'd definately say that you were wrong. Yeah if he is physically abusing her then he deserves to go to jail for a long time. I just think that it is a tremendous double standard that a woman can hit a man and nothing is thought of it yet vice versa and the man will be villainized for the rest of his life. They both should be thought of equally. It probably would've been easier if you had just walked away. It would have been easier for your s****y parents to take you back in. I mean, if thats what you really want. I'd be pretty mad if I were you. I don't care if the guy is the next f*****g pope they should always take the child no matter how awful (not saying you are) the child is.

If you are 100% positive that he is beating her up you can only really do two things. Talk to your sister, ask her why she is living with this a*****e, and she is your younger sister she will listen to what you say no matter what. It might take some time but in the long run she will. Also probably the most effective thing to do would be to call the police after you know that a beating has taken place. Even if she lies about it, they'll know. They are usually pretty good at telling who's lying and who isn't.


To wrap it up, to answer your question, yes ,I think you were wrong theoretically. I think that there are tremendous double standards like that around the world. That being said if I were in your shoes I would probably have done a lot worse. You just have to be careful what you do these days. People will get you arrested or sue you for anything and everything. Talk to your sister, call the police, just handle the situation better.  



Oh I almost forgot. You brought up verbal abuse. About that, that could be one of the worst concepts that has ever been conceived ( I mean using it against a person like you are doing with this guy). In physical abuse, in many cases, it is one person abusing the other. Verbal abuse is mutual. Im sure that your sister is nice and all but you can not tell me that she has never verbally abused this guy. Yeah, verbal abuse can be very hurtful but it happens every day on both sides. Im sorry for rambling a bit there. No offence it just pisses me off when people try to argue that point.    

[samsonthecat]

One more thing I almost forgot. Are you positive your parents know the whole situation? I dont know, it just seems weird that your parents would be all "chummy" with someone who continuously beats up their daughter. Maybe they dont know but you just think they do. I can't see anybody supporting that at all.

[margypops]

look at the date this is an old thread .they may still answer though...