Aa
An issue that revived an issue.
I am new to this forum, or any forum for that matter but I seem to have now where else to turn as there is a lack of solid support in my life. *SIGH* ..... So hear it goes-
At the age of 5 my brother begun sexual abusing me until the age of 7 and most of his friends raped me. The day of this incident I ran nude to a neighbor's house and told the neighbor what had happen. Police were called I was taken away from the home and placed in the care of my grandmother. 7 years of therapy later I am pretty good at coping with it. I self mutilated for many years in my past but at 19 I found the strength to stop. That reason was my son. I had a whole new out look on life and have never looked back. I was finally happy and still am as I approach my son's 5th birthday and we have now had a daughter as well. I remember when I was pregnant with my daughter that I prayed not to have a girl due to the fear of constantly being skeptical of my son. After having my daughter and seeing my son interact with her the thought never crossed my mind that he would harm her. His is very protective of her and is perfect big brother. Recently, I posted another post in another section about an incident that has sprung a very controversial issue amongst those closest to me.
Yesterday I caught my son forcing our small dog to preform oral sex on him. The fears that I so quickly shrugged away at the birth of my daughter came rushing forward. After the incident I briefly discussed it with my son but did not pry. I handled that part very well but after talking to him I was overwhelmed with so many emotions that I asked a friend to come and watch him while I gathered my thoughts and calmed down. I could not even be around him for that moment . Within a very short time I calmed down and realized that my true concern should be how he learned this behavior and why he was doing it. I called my mother and had her watch him overnight . Today I spoke with my son's Pediatrician about the incident and we contact the local child services to help us figure out whether someone has hurt him or what else is the cause. The child protection representative came to our home this evening and was very nice and helpful. She seemed to think that this was something unusual that needed investigating and agreed that this was not normal behavior. After she left my mother called and proceeded to tell me that she felt that I was overreacting (this is now the second time she has said this) and that she thinks that my son is just "bored and showing it in a wrong way" . She also thinks that I am projecting my own sexual abuse trauma onto the situation and making a big deal out of nothing. When I told her that the Pediatrician and the child protection representative seemed to think it was not normal she replied with "They will say that whether or not they agree, they are obligated and forced to investigate it because they could get sued if they don't". The worst part about it was when I went to pick up my son at my mother's house you will not believe who was there watching him: MY BROTHER AND HIS GIRLFRIEND! To make matters worse my brother even had the nerve to offer his opinion about how I was over reacting. I feel like I am unraveling. Am I crazy? Am I "projecting my own issues onto my son"? I think that I did the right thing by removing myself from the situation and calling the people that are supposed to be my EMOTIONAL SUPPORT for help. Now I am being looked at like a horrible mother for not telling my son "don't do that again" and sending him to his room. I was very upset, yes, but I recognized that and did what I thought was in the best interest of my child by giving myself time to calm down and think, not just react. Is that wrong? I don't know anymore, either I am crazy or everyone else around me is. Since when is it proper parenting to lightly scold your child for molesting the family dog and then go about your day as if nothing happened?!! If I am wrong then please, someone tell me so that I can get the help I need. My mother is making me feel like I am ruining my son's life by pursuing help for him.
At the age of 5 my brother begun sexual abusing me until the age of 7 and most of his friends raped me. The day of this incident I ran nude to a neighbor's house and told the neighbor what had happen. Police were called I was taken away from the home and placed in the care of my grandmother. 7 years of therapy later I am pretty good at coping with it. I self mutilated for many years in my past but at 19 I found the strength to stop. That reason was my son. I had a whole new out look on life and have never looked back. I was finally happy and still am as I approach my son's 5th birthday and we have now had a daughter as well. I remember when I was pregnant with my daughter that I prayed not to have a girl due to the fear of constantly being skeptical of my son. After having my daughter and seeing my son interact with her the thought never crossed my mind that he would harm her. His is very protective of her and is perfect big brother. Recently, I posted another post in another section about an incident that has sprung a very controversial issue amongst those closest to me.
Yesterday I caught my son forcing our small dog to preform oral sex on him. The fears that I so quickly shrugged away at the birth of my daughter came rushing forward. After the incident I briefly discussed it with my son but did not pry. I handled that part very well but after talking to him I was overwhelmed with so many emotions that I asked a friend to come and watch him while I gathered my thoughts and calmed down. I could not even be around him for that moment . Within a very short time I calmed down and realized that my true concern should be how he learned this behavior and why he was doing it. I called my mother and had her watch him overnight . Today I spoke with my son's Pediatrician about the incident and we contact the local child services to help us figure out whether someone has hurt him or what else is the cause. The child protection representative came to our home this evening and was very nice and helpful. She seemed to think that this was something unusual that needed investigating and agreed that this was not normal behavior. After she left my mother called and proceeded to tell me that she felt that I was overreacting (this is now the second time she has said this) and that she thinks that my son is just "bored and showing it in a wrong way" . She also thinks that I am projecting my own sexual abuse trauma onto the situation and making a big deal out of nothing. When I told her that the Pediatrician and the child protection representative seemed to think it was not normal she replied with "They will say that whether or not they agree, they are obligated and forced to investigate it because they could get sued if they don't". The worst part about it was when I went to pick up my son at my mother's house you will not believe who was there watching him: MY BROTHER AND HIS GIRLFRIEND! To make matters worse my brother even had the nerve to offer his opinion about how I was over reacting. I feel like I am unraveling. Am I crazy? Am I "projecting my own issues onto my son"? I think that I did the right thing by removing myself from the situation and calling the people that are supposed to be my EMOTIONAL SUPPORT for help. Now I am being looked at like a horrible mother for not telling my son "don't do that again" and sending him to his room. I was very upset, yes, but I recognized that and did what I thought was in the best interest of my child by giving myself time to calm down and think, not just react. Is that wrong? I don't know anymore, either I am crazy or everyone else around me is. Since when is it proper parenting to lightly scold your child for molesting the family dog and then go about your day as if nothing happened?!! If I am wrong then please, someone tell me so that I can get the help I need. My mother is making me feel like I am ruining my son's life by pursuing help for him.
First and foremost, no you are not over reacting, you are acting and furthermore you have the wisdom to stop for the moment to ask the right questions as to what might have caused the situation.
Haven been abused there is an hightened sensitivity and with our own children maybe sometimes to much protection, bottom line is, a past with abuse, often causes new different abuse.
Look after yourself first and foremost. Do not leave your children alone with your mother or anybody that you know could cause any of them any harm. You know what your brother did to you, you have the right to ask the question, would he do it to your children to and who else has he done it too or will do.
As for your own emotional fear, it is so normal that haven been abused, the need to protect and the fear of maybe having to see it happen to our own children is very tangible. Crazy, no. Scared, yes. You do have the wisdom to stop and think before reacting THAT is strength. Get support for the children, and for yourself as well.
Getting through childhood abuse takes a very long time and as you have noticed, they are all stirred up when we have children of our own.
As for your mother and brother. It is always very hard to admit our own mistakes and shortcomings and so much easier to blame somebody else. We want to trust our family and haven been abused by them with no support from the mother, that is hard.
Again you have the strength and the wisdom. Trust that, more than anything. Investigate what you need to and protect your children - keep them away from your brother at all cost. I will venture out here and suggest, and I underline suggest - the way they want you to drop the ball and not having this investigated - that alone is cause for concern.
Namaste
Dharma
Haven been abused there is an hightened sensitivity and with our own children maybe sometimes to much protection, bottom line is, a past with abuse, often causes new different abuse.
Look after yourself first and foremost. Do not leave your children alone with your mother or anybody that you know could cause any of them any harm. You know what your brother did to you, you have the right to ask the question, would he do it to your children to and who else has he done it too or will do.
As for your own emotional fear, it is so normal that haven been abused, the need to protect and the fear of maybe having to see it happen to our own children is very tangible. Crazy, no. Scared, yes. You do have the wisdom to stop and think before reacting THAT is strength. Get support for the children, and for yourself as well.
Getting through childhood abuse takes a very long time and as you have noticed, they are all stirred up when we have children of our own.
As for your mother and brother. It is always very hard to admit our own mistakes and shortcomings and so much easier to blame somebody else. We want to trust our family and haven been abused by them with no support from the mother, that is hard.
Again you have the strength and the wisdom. Trust that, more than anything. Investigate what you need to and protect your children - keep them away from your brother at all cost. I will venture out here and suggest, and I underline suggest - the way they want you to drop the ball and not having this investigated - that alone is cause for concern.
Namaste
Dharma
I guess let child protective services handle what they need to, I dont know if your overreacting based on your past trauma...it makes sense why you would react that way and I would not feel bad about it.....You have your son's best interest at heart.
Most importantly, I would never again leave him with your Mother.....you have every right to be upset and I pray to God he was taken well care of despite your brothers reputation.
Keep him away from the family, your mother should be understanding and supportive of your decision to stay away. She must be indenial. Please dont leave him there ever again.
I wish you the best.
Most importantly, I would never again leave him with your Mother.....you have every right to be upset and I pray to God he was taken well care of despite your brothers reputation.
Keep him away from the family, your mother should be understanding and supportive of your decision to stay away. She must be indenial. Please dont leave him there ever again.
I wish you the best.
You r far from "crazy" a word u need to eliminate from your vocabulary. I, too, am new to this forum. Mother's are given somewhat of a sixth sense; understandably u r more in tune to this behavior yet even if you "stepped out" of ur own experience, wouldn't you still have found the behavior inappropriate for the age? I believe you would. The only thing I disagree with is that child services is not the resource you should have directed this to. A family therapists could help the three of you: 1) Your concerns of your behavior due to the past 2) Your concerns over your sons recent behavior 3) Your sons behaviors observed. "Reading into things" is not a bad thing, it is our protective mode but for such an issue, we want to be sure the correct resources are obtained before possibly making him a "victim". We must start all them as young as possible TO TELL, to also follow that sixth sense that something is not right. We want them to stay as innocent of this world yet we are in a time when it isn't possible anymore. Incestous incidents happen to 1 out of 4 girls......., with resources, in our 21st Century extremely pitiful...., teach both boys and girls TO TELL even if someone makes them uncomfortable. Go to therapy before your worries come off as a resentment towards your son.
Really tough, but you are doing it A son and a daughter to take care of. I went back into therapy when my daughter was 8. I kept seeing images of her being abused. Turned out I was having flashbacks.
That was many years ago. I till have flashbacks. I hope you can feel better sooner than I did. The difference may be that many adults abused me. My brother did, too. He is still alive and still very cruel to me.
I wish recovery for you and happiness with you children.
That was many years ago. I till have flashbacks. I hope you can feel better sooner than I did. The difference may be that many adults abused me. My brother did, too. He is still alive and still very cruel to me.
I wish recovery for you and happiness with you children.
After talking with my mother she swore that she had no idea that my brother was going to show up, that she had asked his girlfriend to watch my son, not my brother. I had assumed that my mother was going to take my son with her to work like she had done in the past when I drop him off with her on Friday for a weekend visit. Had I known her intentions I would have never left my son with her and I made that VERY clear to her. She knows exactly how I feel about my son being around my brother, supervised or not.
To answer a few questions, my brother is 5 years older than me. No, I do not believe that his girlfriend knows about his past issues with abuse and no my mother did not give me much support at all. As a matter of fact she treated it as if were a burden to take me to therapy and to this day can not handle talking about it at all. I did great with therapy, I actually have a pretty good relationship with my brother considering the circumstances. No, we don't have a normal sibling relationship at all but I talk to him and that's more than most people ever achieve with their assailants.
Now that a few days have passed I do think that I over reacted a bit but the most important thing is to MAKE SURE that no one taught my son this and then go from there. I could have handled it a bit better and I regret that. I also agree with everyone that says that I need to get back into therapy, I think there are some underlying issues that have been triggered by raising an older boy with a younger sister. I really appreciate the help in such a turbulent time. : )
To answer a few questions, my brother is 5 years older than me. No, I do not believe that his girlfriend knows about his past issues with abuse and no my mother did not give me much support at all. As a matter of fact she treated it as if were a burden to take me to therapy and to this day can not handle talking about it at all. I did great with therapy, I actually have a pretty good relationship with my brother considering the circumstances. No, we don't have a normal sibling relationship at all but I talk to him and that's more than most people ever achieve with their assailants.
Now that a few days have passed I do think that I over reacted a bit but the most important thing is to MAKE SURE that no one taught my son this and then go from there. I could have handled it a bit better and I regret that. I also agree with everyone that says that I need to get back into therapy, I think there are some underlying issues that have been triggered by raising an older boy with a younger sister. I really appreciate the help in such a turbulent time. : )
Yes, the feelings come back at crucial points like this. Could be time for more therapy.
I applaud your behavior with your feelings and protecting your son. I hope you find out where he learned this.
Protect your son from your brother and your mother. Your mother MAY know about your abuse. My mother would do something crazy like that. She taught me to say I wanted to marry my father, when my father was abusing me.
I applaud your behavior with your feelings and protecting your son. I hope you find out where he learned this.
Protect your son from your brother and your mother. Your mother MAY know about your abuse. My mother would do something crazy like that. She taught me to say I wanted to marry my father, when my father was abusing me.
How much older is your brother than you? Does his girlfriend know about his past? You were obviously removed from your home for a reason. The way I understand your post is that you did not return to live with your Mom. Did she give you any support after she learned that your brother was molesting you? Why would she leave your son with him? Did she believe you when you were molested? She doesn't sound like she is capable of protecting children. I would not trust her to watch my children.
I believe any child that is acting out sexually should be monitored. You have to teach them what is acceptable. Do you think he knew what he was doing was wrong? Even if you are upset, try to hide it in order to help him learn.
It sounds like you are not over the abuse that occurred when you were little. Maybe you can go to therapy again. You are a Mom now so there are alot of new issues. I would also consider therapy for your son if he contiues to act out. I think you are a good Mom just because you are so concerned about your children. It is hard for me to say you did anything wrong when you did what you did in order to protect them. Keep up the good work.
I believe any child that is acting out sexually should be monitored. You have to teach them what is acceptable. Do you think he knew what he was doing was wrong? Even if you are upset, try to hide it in order to help him learn.
It sounds like you are not over the abuse that occurred when you were little. Maybe you can go to therapy again. You are a Mom now so there are alot of new issues. I would also consider therapy for your son if he contiues to act out. I think you are a good Mom just because you are so concerned about your children. It is hard for me to say you did anything wrong when you did what you did in order to protect them. Keep up the good work.
I saw your post on the other board and didn't post because it seems like I'm so often disagreeing with the majority, and just didn't have the energy to do it then.
I think you're maybe overreacting.
I think children can be VERY sexual, and very bright children are able to think of interesting ways to experiment with their sexual curiosity. I think a bright child could think this up all by himself, based on what in general feels good to him, and I don't think it's a sign of an illness on his part, or even a sign that anyone has abused him.
What I DO find very very disturbing is your mother being willing to allow your brother to watch her grandson. For him to have abused you to the degree that he did, in my mind, means she's clueless and she'll cluelessly offer up your son to him as a sex toy too.
I wouldn't leave him there again - because she really doesn't seem capable of making sound decisions about children's safety.
But I think you should probably relax a little about your concern about your son - and tell him it's very inappropriate to involve the dog or any animals, or other children with his privates and you won't tolerate it ever again.
Best wishes. This must be very hard.
I think you're maybe overreacting.
I think children can be VERY sexual, and very bright children are able to think of interesting ways to experiment with their sexual curiosity. I think a bright child could think this up all by himself, based on what in general feels good to him, and I don't think it's a sign of an illness on his part, or even a sign that anyone has abused him.
What I DO find very very disturbing is your mother being willing to allow your brother to watch her grandson. For him to have abused you to the degree that he did, in my mind, means she's clueless and she'll cluelessly offer up your son to him as a sex toy too.
I wouldn't leave him there again - because she really doesn't seem capable of making sound decisions about children's safety.
But I think you should probably relax a little about your concern about your son - and tell him it's very inappropriate to involve the dog or any animals, or other children with his privates and you won't tolerate it ever again.
Best wishes. This must be very hard.
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