Blackout drunk boyfriend problems

[sara115]

My boyfriend gets really aggressive when he drinks but the last incident escalated to a new violent level. He is an amazing boyfriend when he doesn't drink and I love him so much. He has been aggressive in the past but not always but he gets into mindsets sometimes if one thing i say or do, even saying I want to go home will set his anger off and he will yell at me at the top of his lungs. Things were pretty good until his best friend got back who is a horrible influence on him and treats women like dirt. I refused to talk to him since the last time because I needed some time to think about what I want. Im afraid that the next time this happens it is just going to get continuously worse and every time he claims to not remember anything and says that he is so sorry and that he will make it up to me. I am turning 20 in a month and I can't decide if I want to stay with him because I love him or if I should break up with him because things are so serious as we are already talking marriage and kids. I want to go to medical school and travel and his protectiveness over me holds me back from doing the things I want to do because he doesn't approve. I can't tell if i am overreacting over this. I need some help and I want him to get some help too. what should i do?

[Nighthawk61]

You are at the cross roads of your young life, and i'm sure that it's overwhelming for you to have been put in the position of making a choice     and not being able to love spontaneously as you've done thus far, but it is indeed this choice that will bring you from a girl, to a women. You are having to lose something now, in order to gain in your future. You are in the position to make a choice to protect your unborn children.

I'm not saying that an alcoholic is someone that you shouldn't marry. I'm saying that getting further involved with someone in active addiction, is a poor choice. You boyfriend needs to know enough to quit drinking now, just because of how it has hurt you, Period. Not make future plans to make it up to you. If he was head over heels in love with you he would seek out rehab right now, so as not to lose you. He would know that his friends were not the type that are positive for his relationship, so he would cut them off, without you ever having to ask. If he cared enough about you for you to make a decision to stick by him. BUT HE DOESN'T AND YOU SHOULDN'T.

Alanon, is a group for the families and friends of alcoholics. It is there that you commune with others in the same position as you have found yourself in. As addiction is progressive, there are members there that have watched the consequences of your boyfriend's alcoholism, the volatile nature that you mentioned, go from 0 to 90. They've stayed by their spouse through anger, threats, yelling, chaos, hitting, puking, lying, cheating, destroying furniture, cars, loss of income, loss of income potential due to impaired driving charges, loss of children through CPS, or hitting while pregnant causing miscarriages, or chaos causing miscarriages,all the way to end stage alcoholism, where the alcoholic is unable to take medication or eat, They simply drink until they die, with yellow eyes and skin.
It might help you immensely to find your answers there. There are online groups as well, but it is always better to see the tears and frustration when making such a big choice for yourself.

In order for a person to quit drinking, they have to cut all ties to anyone and everyone , including family functions, where there is alcohol or drugs.  It all STOPS now. Is your young boyfriend at the stage to make such a choice? Most need years to cut ties with their mistress, alcohol. Can you see your boyfriend making that committal?

He says he's sorry for how he treated you, but the fact is there's a good chance, that he may be in a black out when he gets' volatile with you. So he naturally minimizes the events.

I feel really bad for your boyfriend. I'm sorry that he has seemingly succumb to addiction. Why else would he chance losing his relationship if he was not caught up in addiction? If he was not an alcoholic, he would surely stop drinking. He is going to need help, but first he has to find his "bottom". Whether losing you is his bottom, and send him into addictions therapy, rehab, aftercare, or whether he quickly finds a girl to replace you that has no lofty ideas of a higher education, is unknown, at this stage. The point is, walk away and continue to be steadfast and true to yourself and your goals. If he can man up, and get the help, he will. and then you can consider the timing right. If not, i'm sorry, it's going to hurt for awhile,but you will soon be in university, where you will be meeting the friends that will stand by and support you and your goals. Please have faith that you will alright, and the moment you walk away, give yourself ALOT of credit for refusing to enable addiction by allowing that addiction to be the cause of your own mistreatment. Not only will you be true to yourself, you will also be true to him, by letting him know that he has to raise the bar in his life. It is the kindest thing you can do for him.  I'm sorry that life has to be this hard, but if you build a strong foundation, and fight for your right to live with dignity, it will get easier and easier. Life is meant to be lived with joy and not man made hell.  I pray you decide to live for the joy of life.

[Jinx_777]

you are way too young to be going through this.  love is a very complicated feeling. love is often mistaken for being comfortable or lust.  love is reciprocated between 2 people.  it cannot stand alone.  
i think you will realize once you leave that you were not in love with him, but felt an obligation to 'fix him'.  
you have your whole life ahead of you and his drinking is his problem not your's.  would you choose alcohol over him?  probably not, but he is doing just that.  get out while you can and thank God that you do not have children.  he needs to fix himself and it will take him a lot of work and a lot of time, but only he can do it

[AnnieBrooke]

Let's say you are a doctor after having gone to medical school, travelled and all.  Someone comes in to your office and is stressed, and says she has a boyfriend who is angry, cannot control his anger or his yelling, drinks to blackout level, lets his worst friends influence him to act badly, and wants to control her life and activities to the point where she thinks she would not be able to finish school.  Against this list of negatives, is only one positive thing she can say, which is that she 'loves' him.  What would you ask her about her expectations of men in relationships?  What would you say about her admirable career plans?  What would you tell her to do?  

At the very least, DO NOT GET PREGNANT BY THIS GUY.  Talk to a counselor and think hard.

[allmymarbles]

If you have problems before marriage, who much worse will they be after you marry? You should enter such a state with no reservations at all. And is he protective or possessive?