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Boyfriend is Verbally abusive every now and then
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Boyfriend is Verbally abusive every now and then

I am 5 mo pregnant and my boyfriend and I planned to get married and was looking for a housr together after I became pregnant we started having heated arguments and he would call me out of my name I would do the same and I know how ro defend myself. I am just wondering if he was stressed because everything was moving so fast. We found a house for me him and my 10 year old but I decided not to move in because of all the arguing. When we broke up he was still there for the baby as far as doctors appt and apologized for his behavior he also was there for me if i needed something.we have been together 2 years and he is the sweetest person and caters to me cooks for me takes me out etc but when he drinks he can say things that i dont like and wr argue then he will apologize other than that he treats me like a queen. We even started going to church together with my 10 yr old and we have started couples counseling he had thrown things in the past when he got angry but not at me and i have also thrown things but he had never put his hands on me and i dont think he ever will he had told me many times he doesnt believe in hitting women. Since he is going to counseling with me and putting effort to show me he wants to change I am considering moving into the house that we picked together and giving it another chance we have been getting along good for the past couple of months I am now 5 months pregnant. Would like to hear any advice Thanks!
13 Comments Post a Comment
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535822_tn?1389452880
I would certainly continue with the counseling as it sounds as if you both are battling, how does the 10 year old take the fighting, does it not upset him,. I do think you need to get a hold on the behavior especially as there is a new baby coming along and two children will be subjected to it.The fact he has to tell you that he will never put a hand on you is a concern ..So really you have to make a choice not just for you , I would continue with counselling and wait to see what happens before you move in ...good Luck
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3060903_tn?1390303996
Hi Margy, good advice. Sunbeam, you've said that you both yell at each other, and give as good as you get. This is unacceptable behavior in a relationship and you need to find out in counselling how to cease and desist from this very negative behavior before you move in together and make this a forever home, especially for your 10 year old daughter who is not related to him.

The other thing that you did not really give any information about, and that is crucial to a loving relationship, is your partner's drinking habits. It sounds like he has a problem with alcohol, and as a recovering alcoholic I can tell you that most oft it becomes worse before it get's better. If your partner cannot control his mouth when he's drinking, he needs to stop drinking. This is no small feat if he is alcoholic, and can take years to rectify if he is not ready to admit that he is powerless over alcohol (unable to quit when he knows he can't handle his anger when he's inebriated).  

You need to become very pragmatic about this relationship, and have expectations for yourself and your children. That being said, you need to control your own temper and be of good example to the family. Your children's opinion will be of critical importance to you in the future. Don't drop the ball on this, or you'll regret it.

Do you do fun things together as a family? Does he work regularly? Do you contribute financially? Do you need to further your education? Does he? Do you both have hobbies that you enjoy? Do you exercise together? Is nutrition a high priority in your household? There are so many questions to ask, and preparation required for a couple to thrive. Please make sure that you do have expectations, and that they are met without guile, or deceit on anyone's part.

What you have here, young lady (I'm guessing) are a couple of big old red flags that you need to consider working on before you make any more concrete moves.

That being said, I wish you the very best, and hope that you both work out these issues, with your therapist. Liz
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Avatar_f_tn
Ditto margypops!! and
Ditto Nighthawk 61!!

I especially agree the 10 Year Old and the new Baby are of UTMOST importance.  You Both are/will be, modeling behaviour for them - "teaching" them what to expect, what to tolerate in a relationship

AND

Drinking is also a BIG issue.  ANYTIME drinking changes a Person's reaction to a situation, alters Their response to a situation, alters behavior -well, that is one of the first BIG clues that alcohol is a problem!!  When one is under the influence of any substance - that person IS thinking, acting, responding "differently"!!  That's what "being under the influence" IS!!

It is encouraging that You are both in couneling but I wonder if You should also consider Anger Management.  The two of You have Choices - that Baby and the 10 Year Old do not - They are dependent on the 2 of You to do the "right thing".  This I know is true.


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Avatar_f_tn
Thanks for the good advice ladies! Nighhawk61 I would like to give you some background information on us. I have an AAS degree and hope to still continue my education. I have always held a job since the age of 16. I am now 31 and been in healthcare for about 10 years. My boyfriend works in labor I make a decent salary its workable and he makes more than double what I make but he does get laid off sometimes during the winter and gets unemployment then but he is still able to pay all of his bills. He is very responsible as far as saving money and paying his bills on time and is very family oriented. That is what attracted me to him. His major prolem is drinking as you said and he doesn't always say things out of line when he drinks but sometimes. He knows his drinking is a problem and would always apologize the next day but he has gone months without drinking and would start back. I broke up with him for 3 months because he was drinking just because I didn't like it he didn't do anything or say anything of the way then but he stopped just to be with me and I can tell when he is not drinking he looks better, thinks better etc that is when he let me pick out a ring and we were supposed to get married. When his best friend's mom died he started back and things were ok but when I got pregnant the pressure was on and thats when we started arguing a lot I broke up with him again and didn't move in the house that he got for us and he once again stopped after we were separted for a few months and now we have been getting along great. We have an occasional disagreement but no name calling or disrespect. We do things together he myself and my son, we go out, cook family meals together, and we  have started going to church together. He shows me that he really loves me and is so caring the fact that he is willing to go to counseling gives me hope that things could work. My son has never heard us name calling but he has heard us argue he also wasn't around when we have thrown things but my son has told me that he thinks that we argue too much. For the past 3 months or so things have been going great. As far as me moving in with him I kind of don't have a choice because my lease is up and if I were to move somewhere else I would need to have more money saved. I am planning on moving in two weeks with him. He also cares a lot about the baby boy that we are having and talks about the baby a lot and our future. I just pray that my family will work and he doesn't get out of control with the alcohol. Please pray for us! Thanks and God Bless
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13167_tn?1327197724
Sunbeam,  I do see some positives in your story.  

I hope you realize,  that no one does anything when they're drinking that they don't want to do when they're sober - but they know they shouldn't.  Drinking strips away inhibition and reveals true desires.

If he's a mean drunk,  he's a mean guy who has learned to control his tongue when he's sober.  
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535822_tn?1389452880
RockRose nailed it...I still think you should put the children first , you sound like you are in protective mode of him ...
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Avatar_f_tn
Good point Rock Rose and margypops I think I just have this dream of having a family and I do love him but I am starting to realize that it is a pattern with him he does whatever to get me back and even stops drinking for months I now think he has started back because he has been starting arguments the past couple days over the dumbest stuff. I think I have accepted that its probably not a good idea to move in with him I cant say that Im not sad and hurt about it.
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535822_tn?1389452880
Of course you are hurt you had hoped he would change , he has to want to and hes not interested in changing.In time to come you will see its the best thing for you and the children .There are many good men out there looking for a good kind woman ..allow yourself some time to breathe enjoy your children ..
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Avatar_m_tn
You are a mother and your first priority needs to be your 10 year old and the baby who hasn't been born yet. When you became a mom the first time, that was it, your life as you knew it was over and it changed to be the kid's needs come first. Particularly as it relates to safety! I can't believe I'm even reading this that you would even consider getting back with a guy who has been abusive toward you! Where's your head? What are you smoking?

Look, regardless of what you think you want for a relationship, you need to FIRST consider how that relationship impacts your children. If the guy is abusive or in any way a bad influence on them then it's a no-brainer that you can't be with him! What kind of mother would willingly subject her kids to that environment? Someone who is selfish and a bad mom. I'm sorry but that's what I think and I don't think I'm wrong. Right now you are thankfully not living with him but if you did move in with him, your 10 yr old kid will be exposed to all the fighting and the abuse and he will grow up thinking its ok and normal so he will be that way with his own family. Is that what you want for your son? If not then don't do it. Quit putting him in a position where that will be the outcome and think for a long time about how every one of your choices will affect those kids. No one else in this world is going to care about them the way his mom is supposed to care. And if you've checked out cause of a drunken boyfriend then those kids are screwed. It's inevitable.
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535822_tn?1389452880
webbers speaks the truth Sunbeam
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Avatar_f_tn
Still do anger management even if you leave this guy.
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Avatar_m_tn
Yep, Don't move back in with this guy - he'll never change, trust me.
I know it's good to be taken care of and I know you're scared but
you have to think of those kids. You have the choice, right now, to
either get yourself and your children on the path to a good life OR
sink back into an abusive situation which will degrade you further and
even worse, destroy those babies for EVER.
I pray to God you make the right choice - Elizabeth
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Avatar_f_tn
First of all I am an excellent mother so dont go there I got pregnant at 19 and had my first child at 20 I workef full time and went to school full time with the help of my family to make sure that I could provide a decent life for my child with or without the father. My baby was always health I nursef him for 8 months made sure he had good nutrition he was always clean and had everything he needed and plenty of love. I left his father when he was an infant because he became controlling and abusive and I didnt want my son to see that.

Me and this guy were engaged to be married and for a year and half no problems until after I became pregnant and he started drinking heavy. He was VERVBALLY abusive sometimes and so was I because I will defend myself it was always over the phone ir when my son wasnt around but we have thrown things both of us but not at each other and not in front of my son. He had never put his hands on me but I fearef that if we moved in together my son would see some of this. Yes I do love him but I will always put my kids first. I have already started looking for another place I am in my own place now I think someone said dont move back with him we have never lived together.

It is just sad that we had all these plans and he is living in that house by himself and we had plans to be married all because of his drinking he is the perfect guy when he is not drinking. He is now going to mertings for his drinking but the most we can be now is friends.

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