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Bystander parent

I am hoping get some perspective from others in my situation.  Although I had long ago realized the impact of my stepfather's abuse, it was only recently that I began to see to damage done by my mother's unwillingness to act even after I let her know what as happening.  So now after many years I can see that this betrayal is significant and has caused me to have some pretty conflicted feelings towards my mother.  Even to this day her version of the past does not include the abuse.  I can really no longer go along with this rewriting of history.  Are there others who can offer some advice?
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Avatar universal
On several occasions as a child an as an adult I tried to tell my mother what was happening.  She listened and never brought it up again.  And stayed with my stepfather, the sexual abuser, until the day he died... pretending to the outside world that we had this wonderful upbringing.  I have suffered all my life from the pain of the denial, the lack of protection, and the betrayal.  I have been in several abusive relationships.  Have been raped and beaten among other things.  When it comes to working - I am an incredible overachiever.  Successful professionally, but never able to handle inappropriate advances from men.  I am a mother of two wonderful children and can't imagine EVER letting someone hurt my child in any way shape or form.  I am divorced and have done everything myself since they kids were 9 and 11.  They are now 27 and 29, out of college and happy.  So, no, there is no excuse for turning a blind eye. I have had an unbelievable amount of anger towards my mother since my stepfather passed away this summer.  I had no idea I was this angry at HER.  She still wants to deny, doesn't want anyone to know - is still trying to live a lie for fear of what other people would think.  I have never felt validated, much less loved.  I trust NO ONE.  All those things you read about child sexual abuse and how necessary it is to have a parent be supportive of what happened and help you, talk to you, protect you, get you counseling.  How that's the best chance there is to not have it ruin your life.  Wow, what would that be like?  Telling her when I was a child was one of the most traumatic experiences of my life.  And she did not say or do anything about it.  And now says to me - I don't believe it.  Wow, talk about damaging your child.  She cares about what other people might think.  Seriously?  What about what I think?  I love her, but I don't like her as a person at all.  And how can you be around someone you don't like?  Or trust?  Yes, I need counseling for the anger, she will never give me what I need, and I just have to accept that.  This is a woman that goes to church every Sunday and acts like nothing ever happened...  
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Avatar universal
This happened to me, and actually, it is very common.  Older people, especially our parents, don't EVER want to admit that they were "bad parents."  On my mothers deathbed she still wouldn't tell me that everything she let slip by her was true.

The only thing I can suggest (didn't happen with my mother, but it might with yours), is tell her that unless or until she can tell you the truth, you will not call or have anything to do with her.  I'd tell her that you need closure, and you normally don't tend to associate with liars.

Your mother obviously has some issues of her own, but that is NO REASON to stand there knowing what is happening to her child.  Mothers are supposed to protect us, no matter what.   I would if it were my daughter, therefore, the excuses of "I was afraid he would leave," or "I don't think he did that" are exactly what they are, excuses.

It's not fair or right for her to ignore the obvious even if it means that she willl be painting herself in a dark light, she did it, she can own up to it.  Good luck to you.
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Avatar universal
Well for starters, there is absolutely nothing you or your mom can do to erase what happened. If your mother denies that there was abuse, she is either in denial or she does not believe there was any. Not much you can do about that either. But what you can do is to find a therapist/counselor, to help you sort all these feelings out and within that process you will learn how to move forward with this relationship with your mom. Can you find it in your heart to move on, and forgive or is this something that will forever be a barrier in your heart. Counseling will help you sort all this out.

I have no respect for anyone that calls themselves a mom to stand by and allow their child to be hurt by anyone, especially someone that has control over their lives. I also understand that parents are people too and are flawed and have mental issues of their own, and for whatever reason they do not do what they should do. It is a sad situation and you get to carry the baggage or not, depending on how you can deal with your own situation. Hopefully you can find the resolutions for yourself that your mom evidently could not. Good luck.
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134578 tn?1693250592
Anyway, while this conversation is interesting (and unusually philosophical for MedHelp), the original poster did ask the question of what she can decide to do given that her mother refuses to accept even today that she was abused as a child on the mom's watch.  

When I responded, I was thinking from the way the o.p. wrote the question that she (the o.p.) was attempting to have a continuing relationship with her mom.  If I were in the position she is, it would very hard to try to do this if my mom was not even willing to acknowledge the betrayal of my trust as well as my body.  But some people do want to go on with their parent even so.  Not knowing what the o.p. wants  -- distant formality?  no communication?  mea culpas? makes it hard to give useful advice.  But in any case, it seems she needs to brace herself against the real possibility that her mother will never acknowledge the abuse because she would then have to acknowledge her culpability.  Hoping there would be something she could say or some way she could treat her mom to get her to change this, is a fast way to wind oneself into a knot.
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134578 tn?1693250592
A lot of people, men and women, are susceptible to being dependent in relationships (often due to issues in their childhood, when they were unable to assess and fight off the messages they were being given).  Your comment that women don't deserve equal rights with men if some of them are dependent in relationships seems a very hard statement in a society that still rewards women for not being aggressive, staying in their "place," (and whose pop culture relentlessly tells little girls that their main function is to be decorative and objectified).  If you are saying that equal rights in society should only be granted to people with perfect psychological makeup, about 99% of humans fail the test.  Do we grant rights only to the perfect few and look down on the rest, or do we embrace others, frailties and all, as part of the same group as all the rest of us?   I think a case could be made for being more generous to people who have not attained perfection of self-security, especially since (as in the case of the original poster, abused as a child) so many times what has happened to them it is not any fault of their own.  
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757137 tn?1347196453
It was Hedda Nusbaum who got Joel Steinberg addicted to cocaine. (She was not quite the innocent lamb.) We woman demanded equal rights with men, and we deserved them. Along with equal rights goes equal responsibility. If we were so weak as to be brainwashed by men, they we didn't deserve equal rights. You can't have it both ways.
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13167 tn?1327194124
This is off-topic for the original poster's needs, but I certainly wouldn't have jailed Hedda Nusbaum.  

She had been abused for so long before they adopted little Lisa,  that there was almost nothing left of her soul.  All her facial bones had been broken,  she was completely broken down by the constant mental and physical torture.

I don't know how someone who looked like Hedda Nusbaum was able to adopt a child,  one look at her and you'd go WHAT is wrong with that woman's face?
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757137 tn?1347196453
Some years ago a man named Joel Steinberg was sent to prison for murdering his six-year old daughter. The mother did not protect her daughter (whose abuse was long-standing) with the excuse she herself was abused. That is not an excuse in my book. Her first duty was to protect her daughter, even if it resulted in her own death. I would have thrown her in jail.
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1032715 tn?1315984234
Nowhere in the original post does it say her mother was abused by her step father.
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134578 tn?1693250592
We've had two high-profile murders of whole families by their dads in our area in the past few years, and several man-on-woman murders.  I am not at all trying to make any excuse for the original poster's mom, and I have nothing good to say about a woman who sacrifices her child to her own concerns.  Of course, you and I would simply walk away.  But we might not be in that situation in the first place, and we probably have the resources (mental and emotional) to do it.  

I have a neighbor with a terribly narcissistic husband.  He has such a short fuse that once she called the police about him because he blew up at some small thing, and he was still out in the front yard yelling and cursing when they drove up, and we don't live near a police station so he had to have been doing it at least ten or twelve minutes before they arrived.  I always wondered what would happen if she finally decided to take the kids and leave, and had the uneasy feeling he was exactly the kind of guy who would murder her and her two kids.  She doesn't leave because she "promised God that she would love, honor and obey in sickness and health" right here in the church where her parents and she go, on our very street.  She is devout.  I can't argue with her on the devoutness, and I really can't be the one who eggs her into leaving because I have the sick feeling in my heart that he would wind up one of those totally crazed guys who does take their family's life.  

When I was in law school, I worked with abused women.  The classic question that people often ask who work with women in abusive situations is a frustrated "Why doesn't she leave?!?"  During our training, we were told that sometimes a woman who just doesn't leave and doesn't leave is staying because she knows leaving will make things worse.  This is often especially true for women with kids, that they know the court system might force to have some visitation time with the husband.  Often an abused woman will stay to take the hits and sexual abuse that she knows otherwise would be transferred to the children.    

Again, I am not saying that this has anything to do with the o.p.'s mother.  It sounds like she was more likely one of those women who were willfully blind to the situation at the time and remain in denial all their life.  That is a great shame for her daughter, if so, because she (the daughter) deserves a great deal more, and will not ever get the satisfaction of any kind of regret or apology from her mom.  That is why I said she probably shouldn't expect ever to forgive her mother, even if she manages to move on emotionally and maintain a life that includes her at some level.  Sometimes it is a relief to hear that you don't *have* to be all nice about the stinking things someone else did to you in the past.  You can just draw a circle around them and say, "That bites, I'll go past it but nobody can make me pretend it was anything but horrible."
Helpful - 0
1032715 tn?1315984234
There is no excuse for a woman to turn a blind eye when her child is being abused.I don't care if it meant my death I would never stay with an abuser.
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757137 tn?1347196453
The primary obligation of a mother is to protect her children. Everything pales in comparison. Not all women are virtuous and some have high a high appreciation of their self-interest.
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134578 tn?1693250592
I wasn't thinking of money per se.  It's about control -- some men are super-narcissists, and they dish out a lot of abuse but when the woman finally says she is leaving, they can't deal with the loss of her attention and it sends them over the edge.  On occasion, the woman knows the man is like this and stays where she is because she fears for her life if she leaves.  That is an extreme, and I'm not saying it is the story of the original poster's mom, but it does sometimes happen.  Not that the woman is staying for money but that she is staying due to deep dependency issues, learned helplessness, or sometimes fear of the violent act she is aware would come if she left.
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757137 tn?1347196453
In the case I mentioned it was not a question of money. The mother did not want her life disturbed, and did not want a divorce. Public opinion forced her to get one.
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134578 tn?1693250592
Some women are just so afraid to have to take care of themselves and their kids without a man, that they go deep into denial about what is happening.  Certainly (in worst cases) women and kids have been killed when the woman leaves, so in some cases they are truly in between a rock and a hard place.  But there is not a lot of excuse for being deliberately blind.
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757137 tn?1347196453
I know of a similar case where the abuser was the father. The mother successfully pretended nothing was going on until the incest became known to others. Then the mother sought and got a divorce. It is my gut feeling that if the situation had remained secret she would be with him today. Go figure.
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134578 tn?1693250592
I would never totally forgive my mom if she sat around in denial while I was abused, and stayed with the abuser.  I don't think you have to, even if you want to continue to have a relationship with your mom.  You don't have to say "Oh, it's all right", I would simply aim for moving forward, from this point.  If your mom refuses to believe the abuse even happened and it comes up a lot in conversation (where she is trying to get you to believe a revisionist version of family history), write down what did happen, even if it is long, and print a copy for her and one for you and one for any other family member who you think should know, and hand them out.  She can go on with her denial all she wants, but you will have had your say.  Then any time she coughs out the line that everything was OK, simply say "Well, Mom, it wasn't," and then go on with another topic.

It all depends on what you are after.  If you are after her saying "OMG I'm so sorry, I was so wrong, you're so right," it will probably never happen.  If you are after a civil relationship or even a loving one, based on today not on the past, you might attain that.
Helpful - 0
535822 tn?1443976780
Have you sat down with your mother and had a discussion about how you feel ?You will never be able to undo what happened in the past all you can do is move on, it wont erase it, but acceptance it happened will help.I have found that too much re thinking makes it worse, we humans seem to have to rerun through our minds the mostly negative things that happen.Its not easy I know but if you take control of what you think  it helps you focus on the positive. Sounds like she was in denial when she found out and this seems to be a factor in many cases of abuse ,I can understand how betrayed you feel, its time to speak out openly to her, and see if some closure can be achieved, you have all my sympathy its hard ..good Luck
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