Can someone change

[JustMe5858]

If someone has been physically abusive to one that he says he loves...can he change? Or is that a pattern that will always be there

[chabliswine17]

with professional help...they might change a bit... everyone is different though.

[jenijeni41]

Abusers aren't always like that because of their childhood or learning it from someone else. My son is an abuser and I never abused him nor his father or our family. But at 14 he did a 360 on us and started being angry about everything. We struggled with counseling and he started drinking and smoking behind our backs. We had him in a drug rehab . He did good, then mood swings right after another. We had him admitted to a adolescent behavioral ( physciatric) hospital. One of the best in the country. He was diagnosed with bipolar. We never knew and he wasn't abused.  He and I argue now. Only because I won't tolerate him degrading, demeaning, hitting and threatening his girlfriend. He says I always take her side. No I just will not allow that in my home and she doesn't say or do those things to him. That's the only reason we argue. But before he was diagnosed he had a great life. Lots of friends family etc. So I'm not in agreement that he learned it from home or even being around any of the family we were. That's my opinion though. And the Dr. At OSU adolescent psychiatry agrees it comes from the bipolar. All in all, he won't take his meds now that he's an adult. And I'm scared for him.

[kathy434]

It is my experience as well as observation, that an abusive person has that choice to make him or herself.  The abuser will not change this behavior until he realizes it no longer serves his purpose.  When the victims draw the line, and leaves the relationship, only then does the abuser make the decision to truely clean up his act and get the help he needs, or, he just moves on to new territory and victimizes others.  

The victim must be the person who makes changes in his or her life.  After she draws the line on what she will tolerate and he meets that expectation with sincerity, or she moves away from the abusive situation and gets help with how she gets herself into these relationships in the first place, BEFORE she starts new relationships, she will only repeat her attraction to abusive people.  The victim is the one who must make the changes.

Let abusers be history in her life.  They abuse because they CAN get away with it.  They are sick people and deny this truth about themselves.  So victims, get out of the abuse and learn how to attract to healthy people and healthy relationships.  This goes for any abuse, verbal, physical, emotional, psychological, mental.  It is up to the victim to change.  Don't ever think the abuser will change.  That is wishful thinking as concrete as a cloud.  Unless you change your own expectations of yourself, and change yourself, you will be his, and others, victim.

[teko]

Yes, they can change. But not by themself. They need help and they need space between themself and the person abused. They need to have it known to them that it will not be tolerated a first much less second time.  If you stay with an abuser after setting the guidelines just because he/she is sorry, I guarantee it will happen again and again. You MUST stand your ground. Kick em out and at a distance until they get the help they need.

[jo929]

I have seen this time and time again, and just my opinion they never change  I wish that that i could say that i have seen someone change, but i have not it just gets worse, they say they are sorry, but the cycle starts all over again  luck  jo

[guessagain]

As someone who has stood on both sides of the fence on this one, I would have to say change is unlikely without professional intervention. The abuse is more than likely something that was learned over time and taught by a very good teacher. It can't be "unlearned", it's there. Unfortunately, under stress, or under the influence, it's probably going to surface. The abusers going to have to want in their heart to change instead of smooth over their actions. Seldom do abusers want to deal with the ugliness that made them the way they are, and it's difficult to believe the amount of shame, guilt, and anger they continue to suppress while appearing to be in some sort of remission, but it's there, just waiting to be uncorked for whatever reason. Don't allow yourself become a victim.    

[vmvnpv]

margypops is right.  The abuser needs to get help.  It's rare that an abuser will stop abusing without getting counseling but the chances of that are so slim it's not worth the risk.

[margypops]

If  he is really sorry and goes for anger counseling it may be worth another shot however statistics have shown once an abuser always an abuser.You dont tell about the abuse what triggered it ,how bad it was, it does happen,they can change with help.. but more often than not particularly if alcohol is involved ,unless they give that up and go for help it does happen again..