Canada - Thorold - does anyone else have these feelings ?

[jacktar09]

I am a 56 year old male,a survivor of childhood abuse - sexual incest- physical abuse and emotional abuse - I’ve undergone 3 years of therapy but am having problems recalling things I supposedly did during a specific 10 year period of a 30 year relationship an even most details of the 30 years are un-clear jumbled and only relate to feelings and no specific dates and time and places.

This situation goes back further to when the abuse happened, and has become clearer as I get older things just are'nt
there, memmories, of family childhood,adult hood and growing up - i seem to haved lived my life in the dark every thing in boxes - I need to know the truth but can't understand where it is, any one else  ?????  Lost in Thorold.

[narla]

I was also sexually abused as a child,I try to remember everything but it's like a fog.My brother who was 10 years older than me was my abuser.When I've told my story ages and time lines are approximates only as I can't remember exactly.I have a sister 7 years younger than me but can't remember my mum being pregnant or bringing her home as a baby,my first recollection of her is at about 3 years-the strange thing is I've worked out as near as possible that my abuse started around 7 yrs and stopped around 10 yrs,which coincides with the time she was born and my first memories of her.I'm 47  and at 14 turned to alcohol to forget the abuse, at about 27 I started using codeine as well,but I now have liver damage so I've had to give them up cold turkey.I've gone into therapy and it is sometimes impossible to remember everything,but I'm finding the more I talk about the abuse the more I start to recall.

                      It's great been able to talk to people who really understand.
                      Feel free to talk or message me anytime.

                             Stay strong-Denise(An Aussie Girl)

                            
                          








                           Your not alone and never will be Denise(an Aussie girl)

[margypops]

You are right Denise you never will be alone , there are many people suffering in the same way, and it is good you come here and get it out ,being strong is the key to getting through it at least as much as you can.I do believe our memory blanks out things in our lives we cannot face, even smaller issues than these, cant be faced ,.I have always felt that the key to managing it ,is in acceptance it happened, a determination not to allow that the fact it didhappen,  to determine how we live our lives, I also know that it is our thoughts that make us feel bad,and make us physically sick.Its good you have been for therapy and talking a lot will help 'thrash' it out... painful recall can  help healing..Good luck

[guessagain]

I didn't have to suffer the additional sexual trauma, I was more fortunate than you. I suffered emotional and physical abuse for a very long time as a child. I'm very familiar with the thoughts you have. I learned to keep my head down, just emotionally "go away". Finally, I feel as though I just stayed there, wherever it was, it was a better place to be.

Life events finally landed me in a therapist's office a long time ago where I had to do some serious thinking. It's so hard to understand where the time went, the things that happened, it's all a blur. It took a long time to reach a point where I could even peek out and I'm still working on it. I know it's tough

It's a difficult journey. Lord only knows how many of us are out there, but I do know we are not as alone as it may seem at times.

[alonestranger]

yes i feel the same way the memeris i get r the ones that i dont want and then leave me with anxioty attacks just know that ur not alone

[Lisa6544]

No, you are not alone.  I had the same kind of life you had, never really aware of who or what was around me, never feeling a part of the world.  Never knowing who I was, or what I liked or disliked.  I can't even say I've lived a life.  I just went through the motions, that I was forced, and expected to.  I was sexually abused very early.   And started therapy almost 5 years ago.  I still dissociate,    I have dissociative amnesia where I do things that I don't remember doing, or have conversations I can't recall, or see someone, and don't remember seeing them, etc.   I've noticed it a lot lately, but I know it's gone on for a long time.   I dissociated during the abuse all the time.   Now, it can be something as small as getting mad about dirty dishes, thinking I'd like to throw them out.   Then later, I'd look for them, and wonder where they were, and eventually realize I must have thrown them out.   I don't remember doing it, but I do remember that initial thought then all goes blank.  But, I know I've done it.  Very scarey.  I hope I've never done bad things during these amnesiatic events.   But, who knows?   Not me.  lol.   Good luck, this is all very normal.   Let me know how you're doing.   Lisa    

[MrsMacDugle]

My dearest Paul,

You're not alone as you can see there are a great deal of us out here that have suffered great horrific pasts.  Not to belittle yours any more so than mine, I dealt with my past in a fashion where my precious innocent child was wrapped up in a few security blankets & placed safely away in a china cabinet to keep her from all harm, She is My "China/Chrystal" persona, I also have shatterred into 6 other personas to deal with each & every situation, I say only 6 as that is all I needed. I'm now attempting to blend us back together perfectly & become as normal of a human as possible.  I know that not all of us have split ourselves in the manner that I did, but some of us after much therapy will discover that they too have protected their innocent child in one form or another to prevent that innocence from being completely taken from us.  So please take you time during your therapy to deal with each situation as thoroughly as possible Before moving onto the next.  Create for yourself an enviroment that you will be safe no matter where you are.  I have a 3 sided island that I escape to during my therapy sessions now, depending on which of my many situations that I have to resolve.  I know that I'm along way from being cured of all my traumas but I also know that I've come along way from where I use to be.

I know that it isn't the easiest thing for any of us to talk about as it occurred so long ago, I've only been in therapy for 15yrs of my life & I'm just beginning to scratch the surface of the more damaging situations of my life.  I had to first become comfortable enough with my therapist which I changed as I knew I wasn't getting anywhere, as 1 of my personas wouldn't allow me to pull of the scab that I had protecting myself from the pain of the situation but in order for me to grow up & beyond I must tear open the old wounds & seek out help in coping with them.  I know it is very difficult considering we've stuffed most of the pains & situations away in boxes, & bags & stored within the dark creaves of our minds to protect us supposedly until the day we become strong enough to face them & destroy them.  Well hang in there my friend you will discover that you were stronger than you ever gave yourself credit for.  1 you survived horrors that no child should ever have to endure.  2 you came out on the other side knowing that you as an adult should never inflict this horror upon anychild yourself. 3 You will be able to overcome anything because you were able to overcome these situations while growing up even if it was by denying that it occurred so that you could endure them.  

You are brave enough to face them now & so don't beat yourself up if you can't remember the exact day, year, or time that the situation occurred, you lived in denial & pretended that it never occurred for far longer than you have been in acceptance & truly trying to recover from them.  So please my dearest friend know that you will find a light at the end of your struggle  it just takes time & alot of patience on our behalf to find our way back out of the darkness that has us trapped.

Please remember that I shall continue to lift you up in prayers while I'm away.  I know that it won't be easy.  But our survival instinct has kept us alive this long & will allow us to rid ourselves of all the harm that was bashed into our precious little bodies.  But it does take time.  We hid within our pain, shame & torment for far to long to stop trying to find our innocence now.  You did protect your inner child you hid him very well within your walls of your mind.  You will just need to give yourself permission to find him & comfort him as he learns to laugh & find happiness again.

[dysautonomic]

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How many of us are out there?

A horrifying statistic - 1 in 3 women will be sexually assulted or raped in their lifetime. Only 1 in 300 actually report it. Out of these VERY few result in a charge.

How many men?
It is estimated that for every 2 women sexually assulted, 1 male has been sexually assulted - that is 1 in 6 men, though almost none of them report it due to social stigma.
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