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Confused about life
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Confused about life

I am not sure how to post this but I am curious about my life.

As a child I was the daughter of an alcoholic father and a physically/emotionally abusive mother.  I was sexually abused more then once and as I got older into my teen years I became self abusive.  I cut my skin, I overdosed on medications, and I attempted suicide on many occassions.  I was hospitalized for 3 months in a mental facility for teens, and many tests were run on me and there was no chemical imbalances or any other medical reason for my suicide attempts and self hate.  I was 15 the last time I officially tried to commit suicide.  I am in my 30's now and have had some bad times.  I try to come out on top but certain things happen to try to bring me down.  I have children whom I adore, but feel like perhaps I am not able to do for them what I would like for thier child hoods.  I have provided them with a broken home, as I came from and never wanted for my kids.

I take many different over the counter meds and quite often purposely take more then I should (definitely well over a safe amount).  I can deal with that, what I am not freaking out about is that I have started cutting myself again.  I do not know why, and I can't handle that I am doing it.  I want to know what is wrong with me, why am I so messed up.  I hate myself for cutting my legs or arms, or stomach, anywhere I think I can hide it.  I can't tell a doctor because I am in a custody battle for my kids and would surely lose them if it got out that I was doing that.  Nobody in my life has any idea that I take all the pills or that I cut myself, and I need to make sure nobody ever finds out.  I always worry when I go to the doctors that they will see the marks, so far they haven't.  I worry when I get blood work done that they will find out how much pills I take.  I feel like this is spiralling out of control, and I don't know how to stop it.  I have to go for a full physical next month and am totally at a loss as for how I will hide the cuts, or scars if I manage to stop cutting early enough.  I am so confused because I thought cutting was a teeanager thing, not adults????

I am deperate as to how to stop all this craziness.  Any ideas to make me stop with the pills and cutting.
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535822_tn?1389452880
My first thought is that you ask for help, the seriousness of what you are doing to yourself and the children does require some expert advice ,any reliable family you can talk to ,maybe a word with the Doctor and tell him you want to speak to someone with expertise in this field .You say you want to stop , that is a first step, as you have realised that it is not good, you have come here to ask others, all positive actions, so go that one step further, think of the children and get help.Ther is also something called 'control' and whilst I appreiate the behavior you have described can be compulsive , when you feel that urge to hurt your self, STOP, distract your self go do something , switch off your mind from the path it was going along.I know its not easy and my words here are platitudes ,I do believe in the human spirit to overcome all odds .Good Luck this is the begining for you take it to the next level .....
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973741_tn?1342346373
Hello.  I'm going to say this and it will sound blunt.  The least of your concerns is whether your family is going to find out or not.  Part of addiction is hiding it and you are still very wrapped up in that.  I urge you-----------  beg you, in fact, to seek medical attention.  Sometimes we can NOT handle things ourselves and I think it is time that you admit this.  Otherwise, you could have devestating consequences.  Not just for you, but for those that love you.  Your children and loved ones will support you as you try to recover from your addiction, depression, and desire to cut or harm yourself.  Speak with your significan other and possibly a trusted parent.  You have no other choice.  The cycle of trying to hide this problem means you are deep within the disease you are.  This is not to make you feel bad----------  I see you feel terrible as it is.  This is to urge you to seek help immediately.  Call your insurance and see a psychiatrist.  If you must enter a treatment program, so be it.  You have to do this to save yourself.  I wish you the best of luck and ONLY have your best intentions at heart.  Peace and comfort to you.  
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I get that this is a lot for one person to handle, and I am so far not doing so good at it.  But I kept this dormant for nearly 20 years.  I know I can make this stop, I am just struggling with how.  I am not going to tell my parents or children or anybody.  I came on here because nobody knows who I am.  I really want to stop, and honestly there are plenty of times when I do control it and don't cut myself, but there are certain stressors that set it off, and I can't control it, I know I can't because I am crying when I do it and I try to stop myself even as I am cutting.  This all sounds crazy I know because I am a fairly successful adult, I have a great job (which I would surely lose if it came out), and have wonderful kids who respect me right now, I would definitely lose that respect, and possibly custody (which was the main stressor, I have an ex who is trying to get custody for no reason except he doesn't want to pay child support any longer and he got a lawyer to help him and is already lying about everything), I can't allow this to get out, because everyone expected me to mess up again, and I didn't for a long time.  I know I would for sure stop when the court thing is over, and life settles back down.  I want to stop it BEFORE it gets worse.  I know that right now the cutting is minor (very very minor as I try to stop myself) I am hoping that the pattern from before doesn't come back, because the cutting will get worse if history repeats itself, it will get deeper, the pills will get more and more often.  There has to be another way, a more private way.  I could perhaps see a counselor or someone with whom cannot tell (except for that loop hole aboout self harm - they could tell someone which is exactly what keeps me from going to get that kind of help for this).  

I will keep trying to stop this on my own.  Thanks for trying to give me some ideas.
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973741_tn?1342346373
If your only option is to see a theapist---------  I'd consider going to one within a psychiatric practice.  If you are suicidal, then a professional would act.  No one (including you, I don't think) wants you to die.  Cutting/ self harm is a little different.  A professional can help you work through this.  Maybe not.  Maybe the problem is bigger than  you see it---------  that is the trick of addiction.  But it is worth a try.  Your family would not be involved, obviously.  But remember AA---------  one of the first things you do is stand before the group and admit you have a problem.  Secrecy is part of addiction.  There is nothing to be ashamed of.  You need help, you  have a chemical inbalance that you need help with.  But if you aren't ready for others to know, then start with the psychotherapist, psychiatrist.  It would be a good start.  It is important for everyone you do this.  Honestly, I don't want you to lose your children------  but if you are using narcotics and in a state of self harm-----------  you have to address it.  They WILL notice eventually.  good luck---------  I can't tell you how much I mean that.  
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Avatar_f_tn
I know I cannot hide this forever, which is why I am trying to stop.  But for me, going public is not an option.  I will stop this somehow, hopefully sooner then later.  I would never hurt my children, and if I thought I was a risk to them I would not allow myself to be around them.  I will look into some sort of therapy and hopefully I feel secure in it will keeping it quiet.  I do not have a chemical inbalance, if I did it would be easily medicated and I would be fine.  I would prefer that.  I realize that if this keeps up that everyone will know, and I would die if that happened.  I do not think that I am suicidal really, but I do sometimes think about it.  I always have.  I haven't actually tried really since I was 15.  I came on here because I do want help and I want to get better, and be better, and I hate feeling so helpless, and hopeless, I just hoped there was some sort of anonymous help I could get.  Or something I guess some sort of a miracle cure for this.
The last thing I want is to lose my children, and have everyone know that I have lost my adult self control and gone back to my teenage way of whatever it is.

Thanks, for trying to help me.  But I can only go somewhere if I know that nobody would let it get out, I would rather die then have it all out in the open.
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973741_tn?1342346373
On the upbeat side of your posts, you do seem to want to get better.  I am assuming from the drugs and the cutting both, right?  That makes a big difference in recovery.  I'm not going to list the pros of things that are time tested in the area of recovery that you state you absolutely won't do.  So, just doing something is a step in the right direction.  Taking action of some kind is posative.  Call for a psychiatrist in your area or a psychotherapist within a psychiatric practice to set up an appointment.  The reason why I refered to some of what is going on as a chemical imbalance is because depression is essentially that as is anxiety.  They are described medically as a brain chemistry problem.  It is never as easy as just prescribing a med to make it better-------  and your situation is complicated by a number of things going on.  So, I don't suggest that it is a simple fix.  I don't know too much about your drug usage.  Go to the substance abuse forums and start asking questions about people that have stopped on their own without a treatment center.  See if you get any ideas.  That is compounding all problems that are going on emotionally.  You have to come clean to someone that can help you.  Physicians are bound by privacy laws.   Please make that appointment as soon as possible.  There is no miracle cure.  It is going to take work on your part.  But you can do it.  I hear in the way you write that you want to.  Make that appointment.  good luck
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535822_tn?1389452880
Specialmom speaks it as it is you can recover ,you do need help to do it, it also is not just about you and your life, this  affects your children, I think you realise that so just do it, stop thinking and make that appointment you will be forever glad you did.Good Luck
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Perhaps you can try a call in type counseling.  I am not sure if they have them, I know that they have like suicide prevention call in type thing.  But perhaps it would make you more comfortable to call someone and talk to them on the phone.  I am not sure that anyone one here can counsel you via messaging, you will have to at least call someone.  And are you sure you are not suicidal, from the sounds of some of your comments it seems like you could be more suicidal then even you may think.  I would say you should get some help, but if you are so against going into some sort of therapy, maybe look into a call in type.  Also, I am pretty sure that if it is minor and not suicidal they have to respect privilege and can't act on it. But it may depend on where you are from.  I am pretty sure in Canada there has to be a risk of serious harm, injury or death to yourself or someone else.  I do not think they can just commit you or anything.

Good luck, it sounds like you really want help, and just don't know how to go about getting the kind of help you need.  I also don't actually think that this is just for teenagers, if you look more into it you may find that more adults do it then you think.  And you won't be alone.
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I do want to get better but I cannot go somewhere.  I like the idea of a call in kind of thing.  That sounds better.  I could find somewhere to call from where it there was no call display or something.   I will look into a call in counselling thing.

Thanks,
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1167108_tn?1328442913
If you are looking for help a good source would be Narcotics Annonomous (N/A). You can look on the internet to locate the closest chapter near you. A phone number will be provided. I would strongly encourage you to call the location losest to you.

I am in the process of helping a close friend of mine get professional help in his battle against addiciton to pills. I have done some of thsi leg work for hom at his request.

I will eb glad to provide you whatever help that I can. Just let me know how I can be of help to you.

Best of luck with your recovery efforts.
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Avatar_f_tn
Thank you for the suggestion.  I am sure it would be good but I couldn't actually go into somewhere like that and talk about things, and with the type of work I do I am quite sure I would run into people that would recognise me at work and that would not go over very well in my position at work.  
If there was an on-line or phone line type of counseling it may work better.  Maybe just typing this on-line is helping a bit too.  I know that it keeps me busy and even though I have thought about it I haven't done anything tonight since I have been on-line.  I did however get an email that made me concerned about how anonymous this is.  I must say that it worried me, and I am hoping that this is totally anonymous!  Thank you for your words and kindness.
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973741_tn?1342346373
I am sure there are crisis lines.  However, I still think your best chance of recovery is a physician.  They are bound by law in the US to keep everything confidential.  Itis the HIPPA agreement that you must sign to see them.  This law went into affect about 7 or so years ago.  Based on this law---------  they can not release your private information.  Please go to a physician.  It is your best hope for true help and privacy.  good luck
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Avatar_f_tn
there is a web site http://www.selfinjury.com/ that may be able to help you with this.

good luck
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1192491_tn?1265035429
It's clear you are under alot of stress, frustation and pain now. I don't know but I believe cutting is a way to release some of this pain.  I have done self mutaltion, not cutting, but a different type of mutalation as an adult and it was only because I felt that I could not take it anymore without a release...like a steam valve to let off some of the steam.  

I personally don't think you have to tell your family what is going on but I definitely believe you need to get to a p-doc to discuss how he can help you.  With all the Hippa laws, I don't think you would need to worry that someone find out.  If you need to go to the hospital, perhaps you can make up an exuse for your absence; taking a vacation to get away from all the stress, a trip you have planned for a long time, a business trip out of state to do work for a special  project; etc. or whatever you need to tell your family.

You need to get help to cope through these hard times you are going thru.  Stress can and does get your whole body out of balance including your brain chemicals.  I also urge you to get help before things get worse.  God bless you, Jude.
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Avatar_f_tn
I do think it feels better at first but then it's worse!  I can logic it that it doesn't make sense to do it bit I just can't seem to stop myself!  Today for instance I have thought about it all day and tried not to all day!!! And just finally lost the battle and couldn't stop myself and I felt better for a few minutes and now guilt!  I am frustrated with why I do it!  I looked up the website and was going to call but couldn't.  I know jow it sounds to myself let alone someone else.  I hope one day I can drag up the courage to call someone or even tell a doctor or someone for real... I am afraid of it getting out of control!  I read some stuff on line about people who self harm and I fall under most of the precursers.  Hopefully I can get out of it before it's too late.  Thank you all for your helpful words.
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Avatar_f_tn
Okay so I told a friend, and he was mad at first and now he keeps telling me we will figure it out.  I made him promise not to tell anyone and so far I am hoping he is keeping his word.  I couldn't take it any longer and I told him last night.  I felt a little relieved and then horrified that someone who can look at me and knows me and everything knows.  I couldn't sleep all night thinking right now he has all the power to totally tear my world apart.  I hope he is trustworthy.  Thankfully he didn't ask to see them.  What he doesn't know and I am afraid he will find out that I did it again today, well of course I have been doing it pretty much everyday for nearly a month.  Anyhow, he is going to help me try to fix it and keep it a secret.  He said he will come to counselling with me if I choose to go, and he is there for me to talk to if I just need that.  I hope he keeps it to himself, I really don't want it to get out.  Here is hoping I can over this part of my life.   Thank you all for your suggestions, and as much as I am sure this would work better if I saw a professional, I am not at that state of my life right now.  Perhaps I can see a professional about stress in my life without telling them what I do about it, and just getting help with the stress may make me stop cutting.  Who knows...
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1192491_tn?1265035429
I am so glad you have a support system in place; I sure it has been hard facing everything by yourself,  I hope you choose to go to a counselor, I really think that will help you alot.  Counselors and p-docs are very familiar with people cutting and will not judge you , they will want to support and help you.  I think as much support that is possible right now would help alot.  Hang in there and I'm glad you made the first step to helping yourself...all of this ca-ca you are going thru will end.  Please take care of yourself as much as possible for yourself and your children and please never hesitate to post if you need help or just to talk.  There are people here that want to help and care. God Bless, Jude.  
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684030_tn?1357024374
You really need some kind of counseling or therapy sessions because self-mutilation... such as cutting, is a manifestation of a deeply rooted inner struggle.

I dated a man who self-mutilated. He came from a dysfunctional upbringing where neglect and abuse (physical, mental and sexual) was a frequent occurrence. He explained to me that he suppressed the abuse as a means of coping. And, he learned that by submerging his feelings, he wouldn't feel life's pain. But, by doing that, he developed a profound sense of numbness and emptiness. And, out of that came the "cutting."

He added, that in order to mitigate this constant numb and empty feeling, he'd cut. "Cutting" he'd say, "makes me feel alive!"
It was only when he was clinically diagnosed... it was determined that he suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder..., medically treated and underwent intensive counseling that was he was able to address the abusive childhood trauma that paved the path of self-harming.  
So, it's imperative that you seek some form of treatment or support therapy in order to gain a sense of order in your life.



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Avatar_f_tn
I am going to try seeing a counselor about this.  It keeps getting out of hand.  I am starting to do deeper cuts, and multiple time a day and my friend is pretty freaked out, and it makes him frustrated and mad.  He has currently taken away all the "stuff" I use to do it, and when he took the one pair of scissor's that I used the most, I felt like I was having a heart attack, and had a hard time breathing.  It was  a horrible feeling, and I had to lay down because I felt like I was going to faint.  So that being the case, I realize that we (him and I) cannot do it alone.  Today is the first day I haven't cut myself in a while, but I have thought about it all day - and would of if I had something to do it with.  I am hoping I can get past this, but all day I have felt like anxious because I have nothing to cut myself with, so it is a hard day.
I appreciate everyones suggestions about seeking help.  I do not know that I will talk to the counselor about the actual cutting, but more the underlying issues.  
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1192491_tn?1265035429
sadmomma4, I'm glad you are reaching out for help.  Please let us know how the meeting with the counselor goes...it is okay to not go into detail about the cutting, but you need to make them aware that you do cut.  Just tell them you do not want to discuss the cutting yet but perhaps in the future.  It takes time to trust someone but in time hopefully you will.  I am afraid if you do not tell them that you do/have cut they will not help you properly.  You don't want to go thru counseling and not reap the benefit of learning how to stop the cutting.  Take care Sweetie.
P.S. go outside and beat the hell out of a tree with something today; try different methods instead of cutting yourself...scream to the top of your lungs, just do something else.    
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Ok so I have not seen anyone yet but I have not cut for 2 full days since I started cutting I have cut everyday.  I have been using some advice I got on this site and have been redirecting my attention.  So thanks to everyone who gave me advice and kind words.  I think I can do this without seeing therapist.
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Avatar_f_tn
So I am working on day 4 without cutting, I am doing this totally on my own now.  So far so good.  Now that I have come this far I am not going to seek therapy because I don't really see the point if I am already doing fine without it.  I have looked up a lot of stuff on line about cutting and why I would do it in the first place, and realized that it is most likely caused by sexual abuse as a child, so I know that that has come up in the last little while because of a certain person that did it, passed away and his name because commonplace around our family.  I didn't go to the funeral made up a lame excuse about work and got out of it, but the stress of it and my one child being the age I was when it started and another one of my children being the age I was when it started, really brought it back to the surface.  I have not talked about it with anyone but realized that I do not want that controlling me now.  I think I will be fine.  I am also working on stopping with all the pills... and by next week I hope to be pill free for at least 24 hours and go from there.

Hopefully anything else I write on here is good news.
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684030_tn?1357024374
do keep us posted... and, please feel free to PM me anytime.

Take care, iam1butterfly
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Avatar_f_tn
Well I made it 6 days without cutting but today I couldn't make day 7!  Tomorrow will start day 1 again!
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1162347_tn?1293506770
You have been given just about every kind of advice anyone could ever think about, but this secrecy you keep is not only because of your work and your kids. Please try to understand what I will say, it is not my intention to hurt you or make you feel bad. You had a pretty sour childhood you say "As a child I was the daughter of an alcoholic father and a physically/emotionally abusive mother. I was sexually abused more than once and as I got older into my teen years I became self abusive". Now, do you for an instance believe that any child could live a normal life with such a childhood baggage? Of course not. Do you know why you are hurting yourself? Allow me please, when children have such difficult lives they feel guilty for what has happened to them and their families, for some reason they believe they are the ones who caused all the trouble and pain in the dysfunctional family. Then they punish themselves for what they believe was their fault and never was, you are the victim not the aggressor.  

Your past sorrows are so deeply installed in your mind that you can't consciously tell the difference between what if anything could have been your fault and what was not  your fault. You hurt and keep hurting yourself as a way to punish yourself and I dare ask, what are you pushing yourself for? Is it because you had a dysfunctional family? Was it your fault at all? Was there anything you could have done to avoid the abuse in your childhood? You were just a kid and most certainly must have been scared to death so how on earth could you have helped out? You need to urgently rebuild your self esteem.

You have much more than many other women have in this life, you are young, certainly physically healthy, you have your kids, I am sure you have a nice home and a great job. What are you missing in the life you have build for yourself? Regarding your kids, you are going through a custody issue, if this matter was ever known you would loose custody and you know it, you are just in time to switch things around and rebuild a good family and home for your kids including a healthy and happy mother. Don't worry, no one here will ever know who you are or where you live so there is nothing to fear in this site.

Would you like your kids to do the same things you are doing? You are setting the wrong example for them and you are responsible for converting your home into another dysfunctional one like the one you grew up in. Then it was not your fault but now it is your absolute responsibility. I don't think you would want that for your kids, what you need is time to think things over, get your ideas in place, write a diary and please think about your kids and get urgent help for yourself.

Have you ever thought of the possibility you may have a personality disorder due to an abusive childhood? But wait don't freak out, a personality disorder can be treated with a special therapy for said disorders and you can have a good, happy and productive life. There is a great doctor his name is Leland Heller and he calls this kind of personality disorder "biological unhappiness" his web site with full contacts is the following: www.biologicalunhappiness.com/. Check his other site called "Ask the Doctor" you can send a fax or email and ask him whatever you wish. He is perhaps the only one who has ever cured and recovered people with personality disorders, do you know why? Because there are very few specific medications for said disorders and he knows very much, to say the least, about how to combine the medicines for each particular person in other words they are tailor made. Why not give it a try? What would you loose? Or better still how much could you gain.

I don't know if you understand that psychiatrists and psychologists have made an oath of silence before going into practice. Not even the laws can force them to tell anyone's life story and troubles. If they speak out they would loose their license and will never again be able to practice anywhere in the US, Europe or else where. If you try your very best and set an appointment with one of them you don't need to start speaking out about those issues that trouble you the most. Take it easy begin at the beginning and keep on going until you can let the whole issue out. By then you would know the person and would be able to trust him/her and that person would learn to appreciate you.  

I have asked several questions, think them over and answer them for yourself in your diary that could help a lot and don't forget Narcotics Anonymous (N/A).

Take care and be good.
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Wow you actually hit that one on the head.  I do feel guilty, so guilty for my childhood.  I feel guilty for getting pregnant at 16, and for putting myself in situations where crap happened to me.  I know I was not at fault for what happened when I was little, I know that as much as my father told me it was my bad behaivour that made him drink so much, and no matter how many times I have heard how much I ruined my mothers life, and what an ungrateful b I am and always was.  Not that I ever thought that was all my fault, I feel guilty about hating those people for my childhood, and yet still having them in my life now.  I am the only one that still speaks to my father, because, when I was a 13 I tried to kill myself and he had to be the one to find me and take me to the hospital, I was almost dead, and I told him I hated him for finding me, I hated him for making sure I woke up.  Because at 13 I hated myself more then ever and truly wanted to die, apparently I got scared (I do not remember) and called a helpline for kids and they called back and spoke to my father who found me almost dead on my bedroom floor.  He told me if he was ever going to quit drinking, if there ever was any hope of that, it was gone now.  So therefore I seeled his fate in my actions.  (I am by the way not suicidal now at all)  I know there are things that I am guilty for in my past and my present, however I am well aware that I am not to blame for being sexually abuses.  I appreciate your feedback and your advice.  I have reallized that I cannot do this on my own, and I am going to speak to a doctor next week about it, and what I need to do, privately to get better.  So far, my children have no idea, as far as they are concerned I am always happy, and nothing is wrong.  I am bending over backwards to make sure they are happy children and can look back on their childhoods with happiness and fond memories of me and their life with me.  They already have enough crap to deal with, with their father, they do not need to know any of my issues.  They have good relationships with my mother and my stepfather and father, so they do not need to know too much about the past.  
I do have a lot more then a lot of women I know even, but I strive for more.  I have always just wanted to be happy, and content with a nice normal life.

I am going to look into that website you talk about because I believe that I perhaps can suffer from "biological unhappiness" as well.  I realize that I am a mess, I try for a while and then I kind of give up for a while, it is a lot to deal with.  I do thank you for what you wrote and I am taking a lot of the advice I have got on here.

Thank you,
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I just thought I would put it out there that I am back on track I have not cut again since the last slip up... I am working in getting some counseling and hopefully working on my custody case and getting on track.  No more cutting and going to slow down on the pills a lot!!!  I have gotten a lot of advice on here everyone has been incredibly helpful.  So thank you...
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... I admire your determination.    take care, iam1butterfly
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1173196_tn?1292920090
I'm new to this board but I just read through this post. Congratulations on not cutting and on weaning yourself off of the pills. My childhood was similar to yours. I was physically, verbally and sexually abused by family members and I was a heavy drinker, suicidal and a cutter during my teenage years. I got away from my family as soon as I could and have very minimal contact with them now.

When I started having children, everything I had tried to supress came back at me. I eventually sought counseling at a sexual assault center. I was in a support group there for about 5 years and it helped tremendously. I urge you to find some sort of counseling or support group for yourself. It can really make a difference in your mental well-being. I still suffer from mood swings, anxiety and depression, but I've stopped self-medicating and take prescription anti-depressants, which might also help you.

Good Luck.
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Hello my dear:

I am so glad you are an intelligent person who can come to terms with what happened in the past because it was not your fault. Remember you can not punish the victim and you are the victim. There is no need to tell your children anything about what happened to you, that belongs to the past and it should be left there to die away and think it is gone and done with.

It is good to hear you are not hurting yourself now, you deserve a good and happy life leaving bygones to be just that. Each time those thoughts come back and remember what happened, don't let it advance in your brain rub those thoughts away and think "I am a good person and I will have a happy life because of myself and my kids". Good you have decided to check the web site and believe you may have biological unhappiness, that doctor is a genius and you can email him and he will help you.

Take care of yourself and love yourself, remember you have a huge  baggage you have carried for a long time but don't allow those memories to come back simply rub them away for your sake and that of your kids.

I hope you will keep posting if you need any help we are all here for you or to let us know how well you are doing you will make us very happy with your progress.    

God bless you and help you.
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Avatar_f_tn
thank you all, it is nice to know that people care becasue some times I really feel like nobody does.

I have not cut again since that time I slipped, but right now I am super stressed and am having the hardest time ever not cutting.  I wonder sometimes with my stressful life how I can go on, if I can.  I keep trying to bring myself up, and I just feel like someone keeps stepping on my head, and pushing me back down.  I am really struggling this week with the cutting and stuff, and I have yet to go see a counselor or someone, I know that there are some things are in my head probably but really if you stepped into my life, you may see that I just have crappy luck or whatever.  I have friends that tell me I am so strong (obviously they do not know what is really going on inside me), and they couldn't go through all that I have and continue on, and they couldn't put on a smile and just keep trying.  so I wonder is all this futile.  I do have all kinds of thoughts, about an easier way for me to deal with all this.  It is not something that I haven't tried or thought about before, I am just trying not to do that now.  I just can't seem to bring myself to ask for help (in person), I tried a lot of times and just can't do it.  I truly am coming apart on the inside, and do not know how long I can hang on.

Thank you all for your kind words and caring responses, it means a lot.

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Avatar_m_tn
    What I am stating is the exact opposite of the support group mentality which will let you relapse and support your apparent jack *** behavior. What happened to you as a child is terrible but is not who you are.  Stop using that as an excuse to abuse drugs.  You said you are not pyschotic or have severe imbalances.  So obviously you know right from wrong.  When I was addicted to pills for depression and anxiety I had ever excuse and medical condition possible not to mention excuses for my behavior and what happened to me as a child.  permant abstinence from all drugs will give you the healthy brain needed to stop your behavior.  Your animal brain seeks pleasure from depression ect.  You will have severe anxiety and depression when you withdrawal for a week tops.  And experience negative emotions.  Once you are clean for about 6 months you will be a whole new person.  If you truely want help help yourself do it for your children.  Support groups will enable your behavior tell you its okay that you need a higher power.  Thats ******** support groups help some people a very low percentage and they relapse and its okay and you just need more spirtual growth.  Take it one day at a time they will say.  Who wants to take it one day at a time.  Never take a drink or use a drug again in three months you will be fine!!!!  Start loving your life find your heart start exercising, yoga ect.  People will love you who cares if you cut yourself and have scars do you think people really care about your past.  They dont.  its all internal and mental the brain chemicals will come back im living proof.  You can be happy and live an awesome life without regret or worrie trust me it only gets better but the first 6 months are rough.  I suffered for 20 years and im a completely transformed person.  CAUTION  do not hang around people who are infected with drug use and negative thinking.  It is contagious thats why aa never worked for me.  My friends that I would drink and drug with were good people but they were morally wrong.  You being a mother it is wrong to use drugs so stop it and i GUARENTEE you will thank me.  When those cravings come up and you feel depressed remember that is not you thats your animal brain it wants to cut and take pills.  The animal part of our brains seek pleasure with no consequences.  Thats our survival mechanism.  But remember you control it.  Its your  hands that put the pills in your mouth.  You are not a victim of your past.  The feelings readers and people from support groups get when they read my post and disagree with it is the animal brain.  They want support.  Complete abstinence is key.  Stay away from the weak!  its your life take it back and i will support you but do it on your own for your family for yourself.  but know one should allow you to do drugs this is a zero tolerance policy.  Stop it!!  Do you really think doctors are there to help very few are that way.  Most are arrogant want there cash so they will nod there head when you tell them your problems write you a scribt and collect your money.  YOU can do iT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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i was raise in a physically,emotionally abusive home as well i was also sexually abused. i dont really understand cuttin but when i would get depressed or yelled at i would lock myself in my room and beat myself and pull out my hair,like until i would have blk bruises on my legs and arms,and sometimes even bald spots, i guess that could be another form of self mutalation.
My thing was i dont like scars. my way of dealing with my anger for what other did to me was a punching bag or my bed mattress. i would beat the hell outta them both.
Maybe you could try to channel you anger and depression into some other form of relief
Like cutting a doll or a chicken from the super market? something were you can also watch and maybe seeing that could ease the urge?
idk i hope my story an advice can help in some way

Good Luck
Nicky
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Avatar_f_tn
Those are very interesting idea's.  I relapsed yesterday and today.  Yesterday I cut and today I took a lot of pills.  Now I am all foggy.  I will survive it and try again to stop.  I do want to see someone but here is the thing as much as I want to get help, I have this whole thing about not being able to ask.  I figured out why today (after the relapse).  Whenever I have asked for any kind of help (well to be honest I have never asked - I have accepted against my own better judgement) from my parents, I am sent on a guilt trip about how much them helping me has put them out and how they never asked for help from their families etc.  I am scared to death about asking for help, afraid of how I will be judged for needing it.
Today I wanted to end it all, and probably came close to doing just that, because I feel unworthy of help and unworthy of happiness, not because I was bad, but because I was trained to feel that way by my parents.  If I ever asked "what about me?" I was considered as being selffish, even my soon to be ex made sure I felt like that.
So here I will be trying to help myself, because I was always taught that 1 you should always wait to be offered, but 2 when I accepted I was unworthy, therefore it has become quite obvious to me that I will never actually go to counseling, for this, and I sure as heck cannot seem to stop it on my own.  and Yes I am very aware of the fact that I make a decision to cut and a decision to take pills.  So it is all my own fault anyhow!
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ok sweety cutting is as much as a habit as the pills you are taking and as mentioned by someone else up there its a release vaulve and also a brain stopper for the moment. But, unless u learn to deal with what happened as a child you will never truely be cured. When you feel like cutting take a walk with your kids. Removing yourself from the situation you remove alot of the stress you will still think about the issues but when ur not in the security of your home YOU take away that option.I wore a rubber band around my wrist as silly as it seems. You feel like things are getting outta control pull it back and snap the **** outa it. You can do this you just have to have the want to. The pills will NEVER allow you to do it as long as your on them. There are many of us out here just like you. You are not to blame. Life is evil to some of us. You have all the control in your grasp. It is your life. You hold all the beauty in it. You are not liveing right now. Yes you breath your heart beats but, everyday you lose a lil more of yourself. Your worth more than all this. please dont bind yourself to this needless addiction.  
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Asking help from family members is not what I am suggesting.  You need to see a professional.  You can call a psychiatrist and be assured of your privacy and seek treatment.  It is all a viscious cycle that goes round and round and unless you break it ----  you will continue to live this way.  And this is NO way to live.  I believe from all these posts that you have a chemical imbalance that needs to be addressed.  That is why you are self medicating and that leads to cutting and that leads to more pills, etc. etc. etc.  Start with that chemical imbalance.  You will sign a letter of confidentiality that allows you to speak freely to the physician.  And since you want to do this on your own---------  this is kind of on your own as you would be helping yourself and wouldn't have to involve your parents or whomever.  But if you keep going as you are----------  your family will notice or you will do something that requires them to get involved.  Call a psychiatrist today.  
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Avatar_f_tn
Yes I didn't think you meant I should ask my family for help.  I did call a counsellor tonight it is a hotline that sets you up with a counselling service.  It's a place to start.  I will be meeting with a counsellor in about a week!
I do not know about seeing a psychiatrist I am not even sure there are any around here, but there are counsellors so I  starting there!
I know now I can't do this without help!  Professional help, I hope I can do it with that!
Thanks everyone!  
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Avatar_f_tn
Last night was really bad and I cut more then I have up until now, I couldn't seem to stop myself.  I think I must have added 20-30 new cuts.  I did this after I called the counselor hot line to get help.  I am hoping it was a one time thing, and now knowing that I am getting help will make me not do it again.

I do not understand why I did it, and if anyone has any incite please let me know.  I need to know.

thanks,
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Avatar_f_tn
Okay so I couldn't do it but I only took a couple of pills to take the edge off!  I couldn't work how I was feeling!  So clearly I am an addict if I was feeling like that!  I will try again tomorrow!  I made it 19 hours without!
I really don't know how people do it!  It is hard to stop taking something like that all of a sudden!
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Hello sadmomma4:

Would you like to analize why the cutting last night was really bad? Why you could not stop yourself and way 20-30 new cuts in a single night? What could have brought as a consequence? What about your kids?

You were doing a lot better than that, you were really trying to the best of your knowledge along with the stress not to cut again. You were much better before you called the counselor hot line, you say you wanted and needed help, but after you talked to the counselor two things could have happened:
1] You probably felt empty, lonely and ashamed of yourself for what you told the counselor.
2] Perhaps you felt ashamed you did not tell him all he needed to know in order to help you.

Which ever of the two possibilities try to get an answer for yourself. I believe you felt ashamed of yourself. All this happened once you let go of some of your inner feelings but you kept part of the pain and emotional unhappiness which you did not release to the counselor.  

You must have felt bad, sad and ashamed so you needed your pain to feel better. You needed to fill up you system with new pain which was stronger than yourself and you began cutting. You did not stop because you needed your dose of pain and reached it when you did the last cut.    

Try to think and understand that you are addicted to pain, suffering and emotional unhappiness, once you let it out you need it back again so you cut and keep cutting until you feel you are full of pain again.    

You say "I do not understand why I did it, and if anyone has any incite please let me know,  I need to know" do you believe I could be right in at least one of my above statements? Did you get your diary? If you would have written down all that happened you would understand why you did it. If you need to know why? Then please begin your diary and then you will have full record of what goes on before the cutting.  

Now regarding your kids and the custody issue. What would have happened if you truly over did it and were unconscious and bleeding, would you have had your kids take care of you? Who do you think they would have called for help? Their dad or 911 right? If that happened what would become of your custody battle? You would have provided the ex with the weapon to win the custody battle, or do you think a judge would give you custody after something so terrible happened?
Do you want to keep your kids or do you want them to live with their dad?

Remember these words: pain, stress, emotional unhappiness, shame and addiction .

Take care and please think on what you are doing to yourself and your kids.

Bye.

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Avatar_f_tn
I have not cut since that night.  I am getting better at not feeling better but redirecting.

I am not really sure what happened that night.  I was overly stressed out and I had taken so many T3's the day before, but not cut (even though I wanted too) and then I fought with someone I care about and felt so alone.  I was sitting on my bed after my shower and the scissors were there, and I had called a hotline (they didn't really ask a lot of questions - I did not tell them the effects of my stress, just the fact that there is stress and I need help with it), I was so scared after I called.  I sat there wanting to die, feeling like I am a failure because I had to ask for help, knowing I couldn't fix myself on sure will power.  I always thought I could do whatever I wanted too, if I wanted it bad enough.  I tell my kids all the time that they can be/do whatever they set their minds too, and yet I cannot.  The act of asking for help, demeaned me in someway I can never explain to anyone who hasn't felt it.  Giving up on myself and having to let someone else, someone real - not on-line in has freaked the crap out of me.  When I was a kid I was forced into seeing a psychiatrist, I sat there saying nothing every time for the entire hour, didn't say a word.  They did some wierd tests like eeg's or whatever, some sleep tests etc. but I never told them anything, I sat quietly or occassionally answered nothing questions, about the weather etc.  That is all I have ever known to do in that situation, well this is not forced on me, this is me asking, and I do not even know if I can tell them anything about how I feel or what I am doing.  The whole thing scares me so much I wanted to die.  I started cutting so I wouldn't take all the pills in my house - I started cutting, just a little one not anything major, I was just going to do it this last time - then I went crazy cutting and cutting deeper and more times (I compared it to the dieter binge eating before the diet starts), I knew I wasn't going to keep cutting anymore this had to be the last time, so I just kept cutting.  Finally the phone rang, and I stopped cutting and answered the phone, otherwise I do not know if I would have stopped.  I cleaned up the mess and there was a mess and I did what I could to hide the stuff, and went out to watch tv like nothing was wrong.  I had bandaids all over my thighs and stomach under my pajama's, but you couldn't see them so you couldn't tell what I had been doing.  I always clean up.  So I do not know really why I kept on cutting so much that night, or why it felt so out of control, but I know I stopped by fluke, and that scares me too.  If my phone never rang I may not have stopped.  I do not think at the time, who will find me, or what will happen, I really don't think anyone does.  I feel the immense guilt about that later after it is all done though.

Not sure if that is really what you meant, but I am glad you gave me or ideas of what could have happened.  thank you.
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Well Sadmomma---------  please follow through on your appointment with the counselor.  As to a psychiatrist, they are everywhere.  Every city has dozens and even rural towns usually have a psychiatrist somewhere nearby.  They are a common specialty that you should have no trouble finding and should find.  Good luck
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Avatar_f_tn
I hope you are still doing the counseling!  I haven't heard from you for a couple days, are you okay?  I hope your still doing good with the not cutting and not overdoing the pills!  Please keep is posted!
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I was wondering the same as Niknak how are you doing sadmomma ?
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Wow.  What a thread and what a sad story.  Sadmomma, I'm glad to hear you're pursuing counseling and hope you continue through the hard work ahead.  You ARE worthy of not only life, but a good and happy life.  

I think you mentioned way back in the beginning that there are cetain triggers that get you reaching for the pill bottle and the cutting implements.  Can you firmly identify those triggers or have any sense that they're coming?  One part of therapy is to teach you how to do just that: identify triggers to harmful behavior.  The next part is to train yourself to react in a different way that isn't harmful.  

Next time you reach that point, can you maybe try shredding a telephone book instead of your body?  Go ahead and scream and shout while you're at it.  Anything to get past those triggers and feelings of wanting to harm yourself.  Some people find smashing glass bottles in a noisy metal dumpster to be very satisfying in these situations.  Can you think of any alternative behaviors to engage in rather than what you're currently doing?  It's a start, and I think you're going to need to take baby steps over time to get where you want to be.  As long as you keep that goal in mind, I think you'll make it.

Never forget that you ARE a human being and deserving of happiness.  You were the victim, but I also understand that many victims blame themselves for abuse perpetrated on them by someone else.  It's all to easy to accept blame, but you've put enough guilt on yourself already - and needlessly so.  You know that already or you wouldn't want to stop so badly.  Don't let that fragile candle flame of seeking therapy get blown out.  Help is waiting for you and you don't (nor should you) go through this major life change alone.  Keep the hope alive and in the meantime try to find alternatives to self harm when that terrible urge comes at you.  Sadly, you have a great deal of company in your shoes.  Praying that you will find the strength to overcome your demons.  :-)
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