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Confused...
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Confused...

I am not sure if I this even the right forum to post on because I read what other people go through and my issues seem so small...but I am really confused about some aspects of my relationship. I have been with my husband for 8 years and I am so confused if this relationship is abusive. He has never truly hurt me but has slapped me, pushed me and kicked me. Each time these incidents happened he just completely exploded over small things like me spilling wine or coming home from work late without letting him know. He frequently calls me careless and tells me I could never survive on my own. He doesnt apologize and just tells me that I made him angry and seems to feel no remorse. He has often trivialized these incidents making me feel like I blew it out of proportion. He is not particularly jealous but gets angry or sulky if I make plans without letting him know. I have often cancelled plans last minute because he wanted me home that night. He can be very loving and I dont want to give up on him. We tried counselling when I threatened to leave once but that seemed to make things worse, he felt like he was getting bullied. Is there any hope. We have a son together and I am getting concerned that he is not seeing a relationship of equals.
Tags: confused
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13167_tn?1327197724
I think you've been in this controlling relationship so long you aren't seeing it very clearly,  Cathryn.  

He's controlling and physically and emotionally abusive.  

A man telling you you could never survive on your own is a huge red flag.
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1032715_tn?1315987834
Get out of the relationship now.It will eventually get worse and even if it doesn't this is not a good relationship for your son to grow up in.He is abusive in every possible way you don't need to take this,You can do better without him he's trying to undermine your confidence in yourself,leave before It's damaged.I would have said try counselling but you've already tried that he does not care about your feelings,what is this teaching your son.No more! just go.  Denise
  
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Avatar_f_tn
I know I can get by on my own as I have a pretty well paying job. Yesterday he slapped me in front of our son because I forgot to lock the door when I left for work. I admit it was stupid. He never touched me before in front of our son and it just made me think about leaving again. I did not even fight back I just went into my son's room and locked the door and cried. I have no family living nearby and I have not told anybody whats been happening because I am embarrassed. and ashamed.
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13167_tn?1327197724
You don't owe anyone an explanation for leaving,  Cathryn.    

You are in a very good position here,  because you have a good paying job.  

From work,  call a family law attorney practice and set up an appointment,  and tell them.  You need to get your ducks in a row.

You really don't know how your "voice" comes across in your post,  but you have become entrenched in this abuse and self-loathing.  You are suffering,  and your son is being irreparably damaged.  

Call an attorney today,  if only to get clear information on your rights and how to make the first step.  You have no idea how free you'll feel if you're out of this.  You really have no idea the heavy burden you are carrying right now,  until it's lifted.
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973741_tn?1342346373
Agree with the others, when you say that he's not really abused you . . . he is actually really abusing you.  You don't have to end up in the hospital to be abused.  This is also having a direct affect on your son.  He sees his father hit you . . . what do you think that does to him and how he view the world?  Your husband at some point could do the same thing to him . . . what would you do then?  Could you forgive yourself for staying?  

So, please take the advice.  I've never been hit once and if I were-----  I'd be out the door.  Big deal, you didn't lock the door.  Is that worth of a slap?  No.  Save yourself, please and get out of this now.  good luck.
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535822_tn?1389452880
I echo the words of the other members ,..he will not change he will get worse ,they always do ,especially if you dont or cant stand up to them, hitting you infront of the child is very bad for that child he wont forget it ever and it will color his relationships.Go back to your parents taking him with you or a friends house , if he follows or tries abusing you outside you call the authorities. Good Luck  
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Avatar_f_tn
Thanks for the support everyone.  I am also worried if I did try to leave he would get custody of our son. I guess I should talk to a lawyer and/or counselor. I feel like I feel nervous  and anxious all the time.
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535822_tn?1389452880
Not certain where you live but as far as I know Moms mostly get custody and you would be telling of his behavior towards you , they wont like that yes a Lawyer is a good thing ...I am getting a snese of uncertainty form you , you could try getting him to go for anger counselling , see if that would help but to be honest it doesnt sound from your original post that he is the kind who will accept he is wrong .Know this if you dont leave your child will be subjected to seeing more and more of what you have described...and worse ...yes its hard it makes you nervous but its not all about you its also about an innocent child ....
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Avatar_f_tn
I agree with all of the others my daughter was in an abusive relationship, and yours will soon get worse, and he will start hitting breaking your nose ect, leave while you are alive some abuse gets so bad they kill one young woman wrote in her friend was in an abusive relationship, and would not leave she told us what the newspaper said her husband finally beat her to death, and left small children, so sad, protect yourself and your child, and get a restraining order against him also after you leave   luck jo
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1152782_tn?1366311480
Everyone has good points here! I agree.  Now think about how your relationship progressed.  Was he the sweetest man when you first meet? Promised to take care of you and love you no matter what.  He, maybe for the most part still seemed that way for a while.  Slowly the started getting upset for silly things, but dismissed them.  Then before you knew it he started yelling, which was kind of new.  Then he slapped you, eventually pushed you and then it led to kicking.  This can all happen fairly quickly, but abusers can do it without their partners even realizing the escalation. At first he may have apologized every now and again.  But now he's not apologizing and even blaming you.  When you brought it up you were certain about what happened, but after he got finished talking you were second guessing yourself. Yeah, maybe I did blow it out of proportion...This all leads to him eventually hitting you, throwing things at you, and ultimately, if you stay long enough, death.
I was in a relationship just like the one you described.  I had no idea it was abusive until I went to a counselor.  He had gone to prison before we dated for slicing a woman up very badly with a knife.  He has sent people to the hospital. I was lucky enough that I didn't stick around long enough for him to send me to the hospital.  
I took a class on sexual and phyiscal assault and learned even more that abusers all use almost the exact plan to get someone to feel obligated to stay.  This one I described.  And I was shocked to see how it fit almost perfectly what my ex was doing.
Then you think about your child.  Children grow up to mimic what they see in their home.  Women who stay in abussive relationship were either abused as a child or saw their mother being abused.  Men who are abusers saw their father abuse their mother or were abused as children.  There are acceptions to every rule, but sadly the statistics show, this is true more often than not.  If you stay, and your child continues to see the abuse it will cause damage to him emotionally that you can never fully understand.  And it puts him at a much higher risk of becoming an abuser.  Or even getting in a relationship with an abusive woman and becoming abused himself.
You don't deserve to be abused no matter how "small" you think it is, and if you wont get out for you, your son doesn't deserve to watch the abuse.  
Who's to say he wont eventually hit your son as well.  It's a posibility.  And not one worth sticking around to find out.
He only acts like a nice guy because it gets you to stick around.  Just like he acted like a nice guy all the time at first to get you to fall in love.  
I say this all with a loving heart, I have been there.  It is such a terrible place to be.  I would hate to think that someone else out there was suffering from the same feelings.  
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1192491_tn?1265035429
Cathryn78, he is abusive.  Anyone that slaps and kicks someone is physically abusive and the emotion abuse can be ever harder to take.  My theory is the first time a man hits me is the hardest time for him, the other times come easier.  Listen, I have been in abusive relationships and I can tell you it is not good for the children to witness physical or emotional abuse.  Besides, it is true, children do learn from what they see and hear from their parents.  Your husband is violating you. If he continues to abuse you, you will lose all you self esteem.   Don't you think he will treat you son the same way?  If you can't leave think of your son.

You may want to consider a separation until he goes thru some counseling and joins some of the 12 step programs available for anger and abusive people.
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